A Gambler's Tale

[Macavity]

..

[David]

I think this is very good. It seems to go through several distinct modes, getting oddly religious (in a screwed-up manner) in the second movement, but there are some great lines throughout - Again I've won / an empty house; / a plate of cold, / tired spaghetti and our sex so much / hard butter spread / over burnt toast are my favourites at the moment.

The short lines - as I think Seth has mentioned before - don't seem entirely necessary. but perhaps if I saw this with longer lines I wouldn't like it so much. And does anybody still use "dell" in ordinary conversation? They must do.

Cheers

David

[Macavity]

Thank you David. I think the short lines help me to write. In deference to Seth I tried a long line version of this, but it diluted the impact for me. Perhaps the length in the reading is still there, vertical rather than horizontal - a reading by the master of the skinny poem:

http://media.sas.upenn.edu/pennsound/au ... -22-75.mp3

The dell/dingle was a place I played as a kid. Too local/personal context? I liked the thread with hell.

cheers

mac

[Antcliff]

Hi Mac,

Interesting..for a while I found that very short lines helped me write as well
and it seemed painful when people suggested longer lines. So I know the feeling. So I'm not a good judge on this.

But here is my shot...to be ignored of course if it does not suit. All I can say is that it does not dilute the impact for me. It feels as if parts are (rightly?)emphasised in a way that is not so if all lines are left so short.

After the shift, it's down the dell,
I'm rolling dice with icy hand,
my best butties warming my soul with old banter.
It's a good craic until Mary spies me,
claws me into bracken.

And so I find, upon my head,
a crown of thorns. I have Christ's luck.
Again I've won an empty house;
a plate of cold, tired spaghetti;
a TV loud with quiet murder.

I whisper, plead,
I canker her with confetti promises,
and still our sex is so much
hard butter spread over burnt toast.
Unwrapping her beneath the sheets,
my hands yearn for the warmth of dice,
the craic, banter, my familiar hell.

[Macavity]

Thanks Seth. I've tried an edit. Thanks for your pointers. The pain!

cheers

mac

[ray miller]

I thought this had a D.H. Lawrence feel until the spaghetti appeared.Bit of a shame that!This is still the best part of the poem, though

Again I've won
an empty house; a plate of cold,
tired spaghetti; a TV loud
with quiet murder.

There's a few places I'd have chosen "and" instead of a comma - Mary spies me and claws me...

I'm not sure "canker" is the most apt word and think you'd have been best keeping "promise" after confetti.

Nice poem, lots to like.

[Macavity]

Thanks Ray. I've restored promises. I'll have a think about canker. An old-fashioned word, but one I've had an ambition to include in some poem. It's so corrupt! ( I liked the sound of canker/confetti too)

cheers

mac