heath robinson contraption / weird today

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
John G
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 826
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
antispam: no
Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
Contact:

heath robinson contraption / weird today

Post by John G » Tue May 22, 2012 8:56 pm

Version Two
Lunchtime stroll = ugly couples,
prams pushed by youth
smell of corn on the cob
eyebrow maintenance,
baklava.

Dull train update: man who looks squeezed at both ends,
an accordion with glasses,
a lucozade bottle half empty.

A lady appears perplexed by a crossword clue
(but it may be sudoku).

Clouds outside seem to cover the black to white spectrum.
a sign,
a lyric repeating itself ‘an even cash flow: this cannot be underrated’
the cranking of metal
the smell of meat.

50/50 weather.

Left foot, loose lace

and canned laughter follows him everywhere
but he feels nothing inside he is empty,
save from a series of ropes and pulleys that control his movements.


Version One
Lunchtime stroll = ugly couples,
prams pushed by youth
smell of corn on the cob
eyebrow maintenance,
baklava.

Dull train update: man who looks squeezed at both ends,
an accordion with glasses,
a lucozade bottle half empty.

A lady appears perplexed by a crossword clue
(but it may be sudoku).

Clouds outside seem to cover the black to white spectrum.
a sign,
a lyric repeating itself ‘an even cash flow: this cannot be underrated’
the cranking of metal
the smell of meat.

50/50 weather.

Left foot, loose lace

and canned laughter follows him everywhere
but he feels nothing
inside he is empty,
save from a series of ropes and pulleys that control his movements.

The parents are being pushed in the swings by their offspring
grown men in nappies crushed up in bulging prams.
Cats eating dogs.
Humans shitting on pigeons.

It’s all a bit weird today.
Last edited by John G on Fri May 25, 2012 8:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: heath robinson contraption / weird today

Post by Arian » Tue May 22, 2012 10:57 pm

Good to see you back, John. It's been a while. Interesting piece, as always. Will try and return soon for a closer look.

Cheers
peter

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: heath robinson contraption / weird today

Post by Arian » Wed May 23, 2012 7:38 pm

Back. A day later.
Well, it certainly bears your slightly left-field hallmark, John, and an enjoyable pice it is, too. I loved the first line - in fact the whole of s1 is rich with observational promise.

I have a feeling that the basic idea rather over-asserts itself (a poncy way of saying that the piece doesn't evolve and becomes a bit tiresome towards the end) but there's no doubt that there's some really sharp lines (man who looks squeezed at both ends - great!).

Very engaging piece, as is so often the case from you. Flawed - but hey, what isn't?
Cheers
peter

John G
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 826
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
antispam: no
Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: heath robinson contraption / weird today

Post by John G » Thu May 24, 2012 8:23 pm

cheers for the input - sort of agree with the point you make about "tiresome towards the end" - i think the last stanza doesnt really go with the rest - less is more - I probably shall remove.

Glad that you liked the observational aspect of stanza one.

I'll have a re-think about the ending.

cheers
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Oskar
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1692
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 3:40 pm

Re: heath robinson contraption / weird today

Post by Oskar » Thu May 24, 2012 8:36 pm

John

Some great pictures in this. It’s always a thrill to read you.

An obvious wart –

but he feels nothing
inside he is empty


Two lines, when one would do?

I agree with Peter’s all of the above. He knows his poetry and appreciates a good poet. You’re one of them and should be posting in Experienced – warts and all. There’s no one else quite like you. Looks like you’ve kept busy writing. Don’t forget to keep us regularly supplied! You’ve been missed.

Regards
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

John G
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 826
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
antispam: no
Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: heath robinson contraption / weird today

Post by John G » Fri May 25, 2012 8:06 pm

Hello Oskar,

Such nice words!! Thanks for the feedback - I'll have a look at those two lines - and yep Ive been busy writing and will (try) and keep you supplied. In the experienced section - maybe -

but again thanks for the positive comments.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Post Reply