Trap of Death

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
Ron63
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2012 7:13 pm

Trap of Death

Post by Ron63 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:08 am

(2nd version - note title change)

PRIMEVAL TACTICS

Spinning for spoils
with crafts of cunning,
an ambush is set;
taut and finely tuned
like a fisherman with a net
at the ready,

Poised, with twitchy legs
fused on filaments,
expectation builds
for the quiver of silver…

Strands vibrate, adrenalin on fire,
faster than a flash
she towers over meaty expire
as the captive strains to escape.

A death coat, spun,
and trapped within
the catch is hauled back to the den
and consumed, then discarded
like a used, empty tin.



********************************************

(Ist version)

In the rapids of life,
lurks a small population
of fine net makers
with a craft so capable
you can hardly see the ties
in their netting.

Spinning for spoils
with crafts of cunning,
an ambush is set;
taut and finely tuned
like a fisherman
with a rod at the ready,
poised for a catch.

Her twitchy legs
clasp the line
as she waits…

and waits…

for the quiver of a thread.

A rush of chemicals
race through her body
when the trap vibrates,
and faster than a flash
she towers over her meal
with eight eyes palpitating
as the fly flaps
and wriggles to escape.

Confinement
is more secure than Alcatraz
when a death cocoon is spun
that binds the prisoner
tighter than a straightjacket.

Immovable within,
the catch is carried back to the hole
and consumed,
then discarded
like an empty food packet.
Last edited by Ron63 on Wed May 02, 2012 7:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.

BenJohnson
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1701
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:32 am
antispam: no
Location: New Forest, UK
Contact:

Re: Trap of Death

Post by BenJohnson » Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:25 am

Hi Ron,

For me the poem ends here 'as she waits…', you have built up a certain mystery in the first two verse and revealed it at this point, anything beyond that feels like food for another poem.

Ron63
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2012 7:13 pm

Re: Trap of Death

Post by Ron63 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:19 am

BenJohnson wrote:Hi Ron,

For me the poem ends here 'as she waits…', you have built up a certain mystery in the first two verse and revealed it at this point, anything beyond that feels like food for another poem.

What about splitting it as scene I and scene II?

Tim Love
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 138
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:55 pm
Contact:

Re: Trap of Death

Post by Tim Love » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:29 am

I had the same feelings as Ben, except that I didn't see much worth re-using from the 2nd part of the poem. I don't know how best to exploit the first half. I don't think it can stand alone. I think I'd double or treble the line-lengths.

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Trap of Death

Post by ray miller » Thu Apr 19, 2012 9:38 am

Hello Ron. I enjoyed the poem, first half more than second. Opening line is good. I'd lose the last line in the first two verses. Straightjacket is one word.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Zorro
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:40 pm

Re: Trap of Death

Post by Zorro » Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:08 pm

Hi Ron

I enjoyed this - lots of vivid images bringing the scene to life. But (only a small but) the line "she tower's over meaty expire" doesn't work for me and needs tweaking I think - and is the apostrophe right?

Ron63
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2012 7:13 pm

Re: Trap of Death

Post by Ron63 » Wed May 02, 2012 7:08 pm

Zorro wrote:Hi Ron

I enjoyed this - lots of vivid images bringing the scene to life. But (only a small but) the line "she tower's over meaty expire" doesn't work for me and needs tweaking I think - and is the apostrophe right?

Thanks for reading. Your are right of course, the apostrophe shouldn't be there - now corrected. As for meaty expire, I have been wondering about that. It seemed ok at the time of posting, but now, I'm not so sure. I shall have to think more on that one.

John G
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 826
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
antispam: no
Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: Trap of Death

Post by John G » Tue May 22, 2012 9:01 pm

for the first stanza, i think it works best without the "at the ready", for me it just stifled the flow.


that being said, really enjoyed the last stanza, thumbs up etc
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Post Reply