at a friend's

[Lake]

at a friend's


visitation
mourners’ solemn looks broken
by her smile on the wall

plum blossoms-
whisper of tender recollections
among friends

death, that taboo...
we talk openly
snow at burial

[David]

This is like a drawing that consists only of a few skilful strokes - can a drawing have strokes? - and yet makes a very attractive and touching picture. Nice one, Lake.

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

Yes, a success surely.
The notebook is held together by following the order of events.
The uses of b seem somehow to build to taboo and fittingly end with burial. Content on events great, but also an internal repeating sound structure that emphasises well the big bits..taboo and burial.

Cheers,
Ant

[Lake]

This is like a drawing that consists only of a few skilful strokes - can a drawing have strokes? - and yet makes a very attractive and touching picture. Nice one, Lake.

Hi David,

I like how you use “stroke” in your reply for I once practiced calligraphy when young ( actually, it was a required class). Those strokes make up a character, but not every stroke in a word was good in my writing. What the teacher did was to red-circle the good ones. And we counted how many circles we received when the assignment was returned to us. You words brought back a sweet memory.

Thank you.

Lake

[Lake]

Yes, a success surely.
The notebook is held together by following the order of events.
The uses of b seem somehow to build to taboo and fittingly end with burial. Content on events great, but also an internal repeating sound structure that emphasises well the big bits..taboo and burial.

Hi Ant,

How nice of you to have mentioned the sound b , which allows me to go back to enjoy my poem again.
And thank you also for the help in English Pronounciation.

Best,

Lake

[Arian]

Sorry Lake old thing, but this is not one for me.

I tried, honestly I did, with several reads. But the more I read, the more it shouts "I WILL be a poem" at me, the more it exudes artificiality, derivative form.

Mind you, I did like the sound of s2, whatever it might signify.

But

we talk openly
snow at burial

defeats me completely, both semantically and syntactically.

Sorry.

peter

[Lake]

Thanks peter for stopping by, and especially thank you for spending time to try to understand it.
As David kindly put it, these are just strokes and not all of them are good ones.
I listen to all opinions, so your thought is very much appreciated.
In fact, these meant to be a linked haiku for the things happened as mentioned in Ant's reply-
"The notebook is held together by following the order of events."
I was thinking about sending one of them to a haiku contest, now I am discouraged.
But I did have one (yes, only one good stroke) accepted and published in Red Moon Anthology 2011.
I'll remove this from my submission list, for sure.

Thanks, peter.

Lake

[oranggunung]

Hi Lake

This reminds me of renga (multiple haiku), but being written by only one author, I’m sure that can’t be the correct terminology.

I’m afraid I’m frustrated by the very clipped language here. I don’t think it needs to be so abrupt to be effective.


Why not “a mourner’s”, instead of “mourners’”?

Why not “among your friends”, instead of “among friends”?

Why not “snow at the burial”, instead of “snow at burial”?


These are all little quibbles, but their cumulative effect is distracting for me.
Did you feel restricted by a syllable count?
I’ve heard that the syllables in (English language) haiku are less important than the sense and the flow. Would you agree?


enjoyed despite quibbles

og

[Lake]

Hi og,

I value your crits on the language.

I’m afraid I’m frustrated by the very clipped language here. I don’t think it needs to be so abrupt to be effective.

Good point. If it sounds too abrupt, it is crippled.

Why not “a mourner’s”, instead of “mourners’”?

I used a plural form to mean there are many people at the funeral.

Why not “among your friends”, instead of “among friends”?

Why not “snow at the burial”, instead of “snow at burial”?

These are all little quibbles, but their cumulative effect is distracting for me.
Did you feel restricted by a syllable count?
I’ve heard that the syllables in (English language) haiku are less important than the sense and the flow. Would you agree?

I totally agree with you re the sense and the flow. So I didn't feel restricted and didn't even go by the 5/7/5 rule; but I did try to use as fewer syllables as possible. The two examples above showed my intention to omit the words you pointed. They can be added back if the omission affected the flow of the poem.

Thank you for your questions and suggested edit. They are very helpful.

Lake

[k-j]

Why not “a mourner’s”, instead of “mourners’”?

Because the number of mourners is greater than one?

Why not “among your friends”, instead of “among friends”?

Different meaning?

Neither of these queries occurred to me. I think this poem is fine as it is. I love the association of "snow at burial" with "we talk openly". That really is the way we talk about death: silently, slowly, tentatively, ready to melt, whereas the way we normally talk is like rain.

[David]

That really is the way we talk about death: silently, slowly, tentatively, ready to melt, whereas the way we normally talk is like rain.

In the absence of a "Like" button, let me say I like that.

[Lake]

Hi K-j,

How well you interpreted it. Lovely write. Thank you very much!

Hi David,

Thanks again for your vote.

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

In fact, these meant to be a linked haiku for the things happened as mentioned in Ant's reply-
"The notebook is held together by following the order of events."
Lake

Hi, Lake

The main problem for me is that, by narrating the order of events as they happened, the final line is merely a description and detracts from the impact of the previous 2 lines.

I think
snow at burial
death, that taboo...
we talk openly
- would give a better, more upbeat vibe to the poem. (Just my opinion)

Also, using "solemn" as a noun doesn't work for me, although I can see why you have avoided "solemnity"!

Regards
Geoff

[Arian]

now I am discouraged.

Well, I certainly hope not, Lake.
My view is just one of many, and - on this occasion - it seems to be a lone view. I'd say, from the remarks of others, you have plenty to be encouraged about. It's also worth noting that I'm not an admirer of haiku, so my judgement on anything that purports to follow the form is likely to be biased.

Cheers
peter

[Lake]

Hi Geoff,

Glad to read your comments. I'll think about your rearrangement of the lines to have a feel to see which "would give a better, more upbeat vibe to the poem". I can't explain it any better than K-j's remarks about the death, snow and people's reluctance to mention the word death. The way I put it (I hoped) would give it a double reading- talk about death, or talk about snow... or talk about death at the burial (now I know I have to use "the" here) when it snows. Does it make any sense?

And "solemn" is used as an adjective in this poem, meaning "their solemn looks". Maybe the word "looks"confused the reading, this one is used as a noun.

Thank you Geoff, for the reading and comment.

Hi peter,

It's very kind of you for comming back to encourage me. In fact, I don't feel like writing these days. It might be a good idea to just read now.

Thanks again.

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

And "solemn" is used as an adjective in this poem, meaning "their solemn looks". Maybe the word "looks"confused the reading, this one is used as a noun.
Lake

I think I need a trip to the optician

[twoleftfeet]

reluctance to mention the word death. The way I put it (I hoped) would give it a double reading- talk about death, or talk about snow... or talk about death at the burial (now I know I have to use "the" here) when it snows. Does it make any sense?
Lake

I see - I assumed it didn't snow until you were at the cemetery.
And I associated "talking openly" with death.
I give myself 0 out of 10 on this one

[Lake]

[quote="twoleftfeet]
I give myself 0 out of 10 on this one [/quote]

I give myself -1 of 10 on neally all the things I read.

Lake

[oranggunung]

Lake

I see my misinterpretations now.

Best to leave this as it is.


og