Houseproud

[dragonfly]

Posted this before then changed my mind. So here goes again:



Houseproud

What she remembered
wasn't the upwards fall

her head cracking the roof
into eggshell

not the jellyfish billow
of her nightie or the gasp

of entry into the alien pod

where she breathed
for the first time in her life.

It was finding the whole
of her kitchen up there

cleaner than was humanly possible.



Possible changes:

Instead of eggshell, maybe:

her head cracking the roof
like a wafer

or:

her head through the roof
like a hole punch

or:

her head cracking the roof
like a meringue

[David]

Is this actually - can it really be - a mixture of alien abduction and extreme earthly cleanliness? (Cleanliness is next to podliness.) I'm not sure, but I think it's excellent. As you can tell, the exact sense evades me, but the phrasing is beautiful.

Very nice. Don't change your mind again.

Cheers

David

[dragonfly]

Hi David, Thanks so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It is a strange one isn't it? But yes, my idea was that this woman's been beamed up by aliens, yet all she remembers about it is the fact that her kitchen seemed to be in the spaceship, and how clean it was. (Maybe too many unexpected elements crammed together in one short poem, I don't know) Love your phrase 'cleanliness is next to podliness' by the way.

Thanks for the encouragement.
Best,
dragonfly

[David]

I should also say that I love your phrase "not the jellyfish billow / of her nightie".

And "her head cracking the roof / into eggshell" is also good, but the eggshell effect might (intentionally?) apply to both head and roof. Syntactically, I think it's clearly roof that's meant, but the image of the head shattered like eggshell (which is probably more headlike than rooflike) still intrudes. You think?

(Maybe too many unexpected elements crammed together in one short poem, I don't know)

No, not too cluttered for me. Just tantalisingly, not impossibly confusing.

Cheers again

David

[Mic]

Hi Dragonfly,

I thought this was a good, controlled piece of writing. Surprising and fresh. I enjoyed it.

Mic

[Mic]

Actually, I think this is very good.

Mic

[dragonfly]

Hi again David. This mutual phrase-appreciation is fun.
I had that query in the back of my mind too, about eggshell. Will have to ruminate on that. Thanks for the reassurance about the non-clutteredness - I often worry about being clear enough. Really appreciate your input, thanks.

Hi Mic. Many thanks for the read and appreciative comments. Very glad you enjoyed it.

Chuffed I posted this now

[BenJohnson]

I'm glad to see this back I had it open the first time round on my work computer but got called away, when I got a chance to comment it had vanished. I recall you had two different versions the first time, which I think only differed on line breaks. David makes a good point about eggshell which I have trouble with connected to roof, but there are many good phrasings through this. An enjoyable a piece to read and you end it very well.

[Oskar]

Very good. A mature piece of writing. Great imagination and, as Mic says, impressive control of words. I think Scotty should seriously consider beaming this one up to Experienced. Welcome, Earthling.

[JohnLott]

Imagination, precise, well structured and balanced.
v.good


J.

[Nicky B]

I liked this too, but confused about the single lines.

I think it would read better as:

of entry into
the alien pod

and

cleaner than was
humanly possible

But I'm just a beginner too, and a stickler for order, so feel free to ignore.

Enjoyable stuff. Thanks,

Nicky B.

[Nash]

Yes, nothing much to add but my praise. Very good.

Chuffed I posted this now

You should be!

Nash.

[Moth]

Well, I did say I liked it Just sorry I've come to this late, but so glad everyone seems to agree. Love the idea of that perfect alien kitchen. Now if that's what a knock on the head can do! Excellent piece.

[dragonfly]

Hi BenJohnson. Many thanks and sorry about vanishing the first time! I did post two versions originally with different line breaks because I couldn't make my mind up but for some reason this arrangement just felt right. I'm still pondering the eggshell issue, so thanks for letting me know about that. Happy to hear you enjoyed it too.

Hi Oskar and thank you for the encouragement and the friendly welcome. LIve long and prosper! (is that the right saying?)

Hi John Lott and thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it

Hi NIcky. I wondered too about those single lines. Still do! I just kept playing around with it and kept coming back to leaving them that way. I don't know if maybe it does create a kind of symmetry between the spaceship and the clean kitchen. (Some people's kitchens do remind me of spaceships sometimes.) Or maybe I just wanted to upset the order a bit. Thanks for noticing, it does show me that my doubts are not completely random, which they sometimes feel. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying.

Hi Nash. Well thank you. This is most encouraging.

Hi Moth. Thanks so much for the nudge to post it again Glad you liked this little bit of craziness, both times. Maybe I will go and clean my kitchen now!

[Sandbanx]

Very different and very well done. Not many want me to read them more than once, but this one did..

Glad I found this one....

[dragonfly]

Glad I found this one....

I'm glad you did too. Thanks so much for reading, enjoying and commenting, Sandbanx.

best wishes,
dragonfly

[Arian]

For me, the parts don't quite make a whole, but the parts themselves are remarkable and thoroughly enjoyable. Some excellent lines, even if the narrative point is vague.

Real promise here, I'd say.
peter

[dragonfly]

Thank you Peter. I'm very glad to hear the parts worked well for you even if the whole didn't quite.

I was curious to see whether people would find the narrative clear, and also whether or not this would be an issue. Still getting my head round these questions and all their implications, so thanks for your thoughts on this.

Very grateful for your encouraging words too (ones like 'remarkable' can't help but make a person glow)

All the best,
dragonfly

[gavin]

What she remembered
wasn't the upwards fall

her head cracking the roof
into eggshell

not the jellyfish billow
of her nightie or the gasp

of entry into the alien pod

where she breathed
for the first time in her life.

It was finding the whole
of her kitchen up there

cleaner than was humanly possible

what you have here is a poem that carries one through to the end, the transporting effects, has me wondering about her nighty
billow out as she rises into the pod, unless the aliens were obliging in their manner in bringing her up fathom by low fathom! But overall a wonderful poem well furnished with original idea’s, and worthy of notice.

[dragonfly]

Generous and encouraging words, Gavin. Thank you! So glad it was a good read.

Best,
dragonfly