Making Tea

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Raincoat
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Making Tea

Post by Raincoat » Thu Apr 15, 2010 4:29 pm

I open my eyes..
Clouds drift into an unending chasm that has breached the periphery of this world
up, up, they go,
like the steam from my tea..
Wisps, curling. unfurling;
Then they stop
for a while..
Then again,
more wisps billow from my cup
and behind the piano, sun beams have latched onto physical objects, boxes, papers, dust,
so that a cut of yellow floats in space on space in my simple room.

Tea now lukewarm, begrudgingly I move my heavy carcass from my depressed cushion and head back to the kettle..
for the cycle to begin again.
Need to break it.. I need a healthier state of mind
to blot out the song.. meri piya
over and over
meri piya
tormenting my mind with yah diya
a Hindi song,
“my love, you are this lamp”,
yet with soft, hurting eyes I tell myself..
I’ve had enough,
pissing piya, piss right off!
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." Henry David Thoreau

calico
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Re: Making Tea

Post by calico » Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:08 pm

Hi raincoat.

From one newie to another:
I like the idea of following the wisps of steam and the simple immediacy of this:
"
and behind the piano, sun beams have latched onto physical objects, boxes, papers, dust,
so that a cut of yellow floats in space on space in my simple room.
but would clouds drift into a chasm? Chasm doesn't seem quite right, and breaching the periphery isn't as clear as it could be.

I like the depressive laziness of repeated cups of tea, I know that one, and I like these lines:
“my love, you are this lamp”,
yet with soft, hurting eyes I tell myself.."

The ending? Not sure, sounds very heartfelt!

thanks.

Gematria
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Re: Making Tea

Post by Gematria » Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:46 am

My instinct is to say that you should cut out the clichés and superfluity. "Clouds drift" is a cliché, as clouds are often described as doing that. "Unending chasm" is another, for the same reason. "Heavy carcass" seems like it could do without the adjective, as could "physical objects."

Sharra
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Re: Making Tea

Post by Sharra » Sun Apr 18, 2010 10:56 am

I think Gematria is right. The cliche is diluting the good stuff in this. I think you need to focus in on more concrete images.
I've been very cheeky and done a hatchet job on it - if this was mine, I'd begin by cutting it back to...
I open my eyes..
Watch clouds drifting
like the steam from my tea..
wisps, curling. unfurling.

Behind the piano, sun beams latch onto boxes, papers, dust,
a cut of yellow floats in space

Tea now lukewarm, I head back to the kettle..
for the cycle to begin again.
I need to blot out the song.. meri piya
over and over
meri piya
tormenting my mind with yah diya
a Hindi song,
“my love, you are this lamp”,
yet with soft, hurting eyes I tell myself..
I’ve had enough,
pissing piya, piss right off!
I think this begins to bring it back to what the poem is actually about. But please feel free to ignore :)
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

bery
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Re: Making Tea

Post by bery » Wed Apr 21, 2010 10:47 am

I agree, the thought of watching the steam is a splendid idea but, definitely some chopping are necessary. Those long lines only reduces the already-constructed rhythm to a confusing state. Why not make the transition one word a line. Hope these help. :D

I support Post-Modern Poetry.

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