two ships

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Mic
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two ships

Post by Mic » Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:28 pm

two ships

anchorless afternoon; a fierce sun thrusts its last,
as another meek deadline waved, as it passed,
at the two of us pissed, we just laughed

we push self-pity around a bit, like peas
while your napkin boats - quite unfit for high seas -
launch themselves on the tropical breeze

the afternoon drifts, day empties into night
as we spit-roast our shame and gorge on it, quite
game still, despite the fast-draining light

tequeños, mojitos, a portion of chips
more cerveza in which to capsize our wits
then homeward-bound; just two passing ships
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Ros
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Re: two ships

Post by Ros » Mon Jun 08, 2009 2:38 pm

This is good - great sense of atmosphere, great images. Not too keen on the two 'as' in l2, though. Really enjoyed the read.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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ray miller
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Re: two ships

Post by ray miller » Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:22 pm

Oooh, I loved the rhythm and rhyme in this, but it does falter in places.

a fierce sun thrusts its last - that's quite difficult to say!

I'd suggest: as another deadline waved and passed. Not sure that meek adds anything.

we push self-pity around like peas/ while your napkin boats - unfit for high seas -

day empties to night

quite/ game despite the fast draining light

Of course, you might be hearing a different rhythm to me, in which case just tell me to piss off!
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Lovely
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Re: two ships

Post by Lovely » Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:27 pm

I love the rhythm in this it flows sweetly and is a nice poem with plenty of imagery.

A lot of fun.

Really.

L xxxxxxxxx

Mic
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Re: two ships

Post by Mic » Wed Jun 10, 2009 10:12 am

Ros, Ray, Lovely -
Thanks for approval and suggested amends. I'll get the chisel out.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Lovely
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Re: two ships

Post by Lovely » Wed Jun 10, 2009 10:46 am

Listen here Guys/Girls I love this loads.



I so much love it. Thank you .



lxx

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Re: two ships

Post by Mark Townsend » Thu Jun 11, 2009 7:25 pm

I like this poem - it's young and really flows!

I also enjoyed your use of imagery.

:) Best
Mark

arunansu
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Re: two ships

Post by arunansu » Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:21 am

Mic, good write again. Loved the use of metaphors. S2 and S3 are strong. Enjoyed.

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