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these words of you

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:41 pm
by Mic
these words of you

I mustn’t miss a word of you

words of you
dropped from other lips—

pages of you
turned in another’s gaze—

I will catch every word of you

I will write these words of you

Re: these words of you

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:17 pm
by Dalena
Mic

This is so very sweet..........I'm seeing the sentiment................but wondering if this feels personal to you
in its delivery? Do the phrases sound familiar to you? It's a little teensy weensy bit valentine cardish.................

Perhaps some more personal phrasing would be worth a go ?

Thanx

Dalena x

Re: these words of you

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:42 pm
by Mic
Oh dear! Really? And there was me feeling rather pleased with myself for thinking I had hit on a different angle. Back to the drawing board.

Re: these words of you

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 5:02 pm
by David
I'm not so sure you'd find these words - or words like them - on a Valentine's card, Mic. They do put me in mind of a song, though, but I can't quite give you a name for that yet.

I think you might be better concentrating on just one idea - maybe the drink rather than the reading material - but you can wrestle with that yourself.

You capture that mood of rapt attention to the loved one very well, so don't be disheartened.

Cheers

David

Re: these words of you

Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:12 pm
by dogofdiogenes
Hi there,

First line is my favourite. Go from there! The other lines feel a little bit cliched, but we've all been there. Read as much love poetry as you can.

Thank you

jacq :D

Re: these words of you

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:50 am
by arunansu
Oh! This is a nice write, Mic.

words of you
dropped from other lips—
pages of you
turned in another’s gaze—

I must catch every word
and script them.

Thanks.

Re: these words of you

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:27 am
by Mic
Dog, Dalena, David & Aru,
It appeals to my sense of symmetry to see opinion so neatly divided.
Thanks!

Mic

Re: these words of you

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:36 pm
by David
That's not symmetry. That's anarchy.

Re: these words of you

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:32 pm
by Lovely
I do love this for being you.

I do believe poets should be true to themselves first. You come across as a good writer with a a great expression of passion in

a very sincere way. That is so important really.

I am sure you will find much diversity of crit here but also, and more importantly perhaps, much love too. This always helps us.

I seem to be attached to your work (magnetism) I don't know. But you have something inside of you which draws me near.

I look so forward to more of your art as this could become quite deep for me. Stick here for me and take on board the Lovely
Souls who too are so ever Sincere, please.

Lots of love,

Lxxx

Re: these words of you

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:37 pm
by David
David wrote:They do put me in mind of a song, though, but I can't quite give you a name for that yet.
I could drink a case of you. That's it.

Re: these words of you

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:58 pm
by Mic
Ah yes! Joni Mitchell, I think, from 'Blue' - I love that album, and especially that song!

Mic