these words of you

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Mic
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these words of you

Post by Mic » Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:41 pm

these words of you

I mustn’t miss a word of you

words of you
dropped from other lips—

pages of you
turned in another’s gaze—

I will catch every word of you

I will write these words of you
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Dalena
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Re: these words of you

Post by Dalena » Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:17 pm

Mic

This is so very sweet..........I'm seeing the sentiment................but wondering if this feels personal to you
in its delivery? Do the phrases sound familiar to you? It's a little teensy weensy bit valentine cardish.................

Perhaps some more personal phrasing would be worth a go ?

Thanx

Dalena x
Life is one good lick away from being naughty

Mic
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Re: these words of you

Post by Mic » Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:42 pm

Oh dear! Really? And there was me feeling rather pleased with myself for thinking I had hit on a different angle. Back to the drawing board.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

David
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Re: these words of you

Post by David » Sun Jun 07, 2009 5:02 pm

I'm not so sure you'd find these words - or words like them - on a Valentine's card, Mic. They do put me in mind of a song, though, but I can't quite give you a name for that yet.

I think you might be better concentrating on just one idea - maybe the drink rather than the reading material - but you can wrestle with that yourself.

You capture that mood of rapt attention to the loved one very well, so don't be disheartened.

Cheers

David

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Re: these words of you

Post by dogofdiogenes » Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:12 pm

Hi there,

First line is my favourite. Go from there! The other lines feel a little bit cliched, but we've all been there. Read as much love poetry as you can.

Thank you

jacq :D
I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)

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Re: these words of you

Post by arunansu » Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:50 am

Oh! This is a nice write, Mic.

words of you
dropped from other lips—
pages of you
turned in another’s gaze—

I must catch every word
and script them.

Thanks.

Mic
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Re: these words of you

Post by Mic » Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:27 am

Dog, Dalena, David & Aru,
It appeals to my sense of symmetry to see opinion so neatly divided.
Thanks!

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

David
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Re: these words of you

Post by David » Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:36 pm

That's not symmetry. That's anarchy.

Lovely
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Re: these words of you

Post by Lovely » Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:32 pm

I do love this for being you.

I do believe poets should be true to themselves first. You come across as a good writer with a a great expression of passion in

a very sincere way. That is so important really.

I am sure you will find much diversity of crit here but also, and more importantly perhaps, much love too. This always helps us.

I seem to be attached to your work (magnetism) I don't know. But you have something inside of you which draws me near.

I look so forward to more of your art as this could become quite deep for me. Stick here for me and take on board the Lovely
Souls who too are so ever Sincere, please.

Lots of love,

Lxxx
Last edited by Lovely on Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

David
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Re: these words of you

Post by David » Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:37 pm

David wrote:They do put me in mind of a song, though, but I can't quite give you a name for that yet.
I could drink a case of you. That's it.

Mic
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Re: these words of you

Post by Mic » Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:58 pm

Ah yes! Joni Mitchell, I think, from 'Blue' - I love that album, and especially that song!

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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