Fools Gold

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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mesmie
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Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Sat Jun 06, 2009 6:43 pm

I covert
a self-imposed
blinkering.
Why should I feel shame
when surprise
is no surprise at all?
I shall shape myself anew,
moulded into beauty
with still blurred edges
and the colours of dull.
Second-hand me
would rather walk, though
rest my slippers
outside your door.

The Lamian child
sits frightened, alone,
chasing a sun that flips,
mocks in its brightness.
Fading behind Scottish Pine,
to shine on ancients stones.

Sun-tan lotion would be nice,
but today I burn emptiness.
Tears mean nothing,
softly cast my love
on a sacrificial altar.
I'm bruised, raw
to the edge.
And dead lives are lost
to understanding.

Suzanne
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Re: Fools Gold

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jun 07, 2009 11:37 am

oh mesmie!it is lovely reading you. I liked this very much. The courage and the heart break is felt. I don't understand the middle bit, i don't know if it is needed at all as it flows nicely with out it. I will come back and say more later but, mesmie, your writing is inspirational. Thanks. Really.
Suzanne

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by Mic » Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:38 pm

Mesmie,

The meaning of this one was lost on me, I'm afraid. I didn't get it at all.

I covert (? is this a typo - do you mean covet?)
a self-imposed
blinkering.
Why should I feel shame
when surprise
is no surprise at all?
I shall shape myself anew,
moulded into beauty
with still blurred edges
and the colours of dull.
Second-hand me
would rather walk, though
rest my slippers
outside your door.

The Lamian child (what's a Lamian child? bit obscure for me!!)
sits frightened, alone,
chasing a sun that flips,
mocks in its brightness.
Fading behind Scottish Pine,
to shine on ancients stones.

Sun-tan lotion would be nice,
but today I burn emptiness.
Tears mean nothing,
softly cast my love
on a sacrificial altar.
I'm bruised, raw
to the edge.
And dead lives are lost
to understanding.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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mesmie
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Re: Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:46 pm

Suz

You know summat?...you are very insightful of my scribblings...and that feels so very strange..in a good way mind!..I may take out that middle section yet I have already taken away so much of this...and...as I usually write less rather than more.. I was quite pleased with a long un for a change! :lol: oh I dunno will take a look again..perhaps it's a woman thing..perhaps we think alike on some things..hmmm?... :)

warmly
mes

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:49 pm

Mic :)

Have no fear...I tend to confuse m'self at times!!

yes that is a typo and Lamia through out the ages and in different cultures was cursed to steal/kill/drink the blood of little children

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by Danté » Sun Jun 07, 2009 5:39 pm

mes

How's it going?

Glad to see you posting, I enjoyed this and wondered if you might incorporate the middle section into the last
and hang on the parts that keep the whole thing in the original context that you had in mind.
Lamian is of interest and seems important in the overall scheme of things
you have some really good visuals going on here that combine with the deeper stuff really well.

I'll keep an eye and see where you take this

all the best

Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by David » Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:29 pm

"Lamian" is a vampire thing, isn't it?

What are you up to, girl?

Cheers

David

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by dogofdiogenes » Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:46 pm

Hi there. I guessed (or hoped) that first line was an error. I quite enjoyed some of the images here, although I was a bit confused at first. It actually reminded me of the Song of Songs in places. I am glad you explained 'Lamian'-as Dante says, perhaps you could work on this. Lots of stuff here, anyway.

jacq

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I never give explanations-Mary Poppins (Management in the NHS-rewritten by Nightingale F,. original by Hunt,.G)

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:09 pm

Dante...I am not too bad an' you?

Thanks for reading and your time...this is a very emotional piece (for me that is) and yes the Lamia child is significant but you know I guess I could have substituted it for something else more understandable...dunno what I am gonna do with this one as yet..but will come back to it in the future I dare say!

again thanks for your time sir
mes
:)

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:10 pm

David... :lol: behave

Meant it to mean I felt as if I were being bled dry...emotion yer know?...oh bollox :lol:

cheers you
mes

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:11 pm

Jacq

most kind of you...ohhh my head works in the strangest of ways :lol: and yeah I shall return to this no doubt with new and more hopeful eyes!

appreciated
mes

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by Lovely » Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:27 pm

Mesmie, nice to see you posting more it's a very sweet write. Obviously from the heart of You....that's fantastic then.

I enjoyed it much. The way you express yourself at times is so heartfelt and honest. Really.

It shows the nature of the true poet here so ever and sincere.

Loved it, and thank you so much.

So happy to know you are finding yourself again so deeply and sweetly.

I think this is rather (solid gold) than fools gold. Thanks for your heart sweetheart.

Lxx

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by Ros » Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:29 pm

I liked this, particularly the first verse. The second was a bit of a mystery to me, as to most people I think. This bit

Sun-tan lotion would be nice,
but today I burn emptiness.

jarred, I think because the image is so modern and immediate and the rest is wonderfully obscure. Good to read, and the deep feeling comes through even though we don't really have the context.

Ros
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Re: Fools Gold

Post by mesmie » Fri Jun 12, 2009 3:56 pm

Lovely

What a splendid reply and you offered me such a smile...thankyou! :)

Ross

Yes this was written with high emotion and I am pleased that came through..it does need work though..but I hope not too much...thankyou for your time

mes
:)

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Re: Fools Gold

Post by arunansu » Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:35 am

Overall, I loved the read. Much has been said about "Lamian Child". Are you talking about Lamia, the city?
Nothing more to add. Enjoyed.

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