Colours

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peterkiggin
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Colours

Post by peterkiggin » Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:19 pm

COLOURS

SHAPES AND COLOURS MOVE THE EARTH
FOREVER TWISTING ,BEGINS FROM BIRTH
EYES SO WIDE THEY BLINK OR BURST
COLOURS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

COLOURS ON A FAVOURITE T SHIRT
COLOURS WHEN PLAYING ,IN THE DIRT
COLOURS SHINE SO BRIGHT IT HURTS
COLOURS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

COLOURS ON A PRINTED PAGE
COLOURS WHEN YOU FEEL ENRAGED
COLOURS WHEN I LOOK AT YOU
A RAINBOW FROM A RAIN THATS TRUE


COLOURS MAKE YOUR MIND EXPLORE
COLOURS THINK, LIKE YOU,VE NEVER DONE BEFORE
WE ALL SHARE COLOURS IN OUR LIFE
A COLOUR PAINTER ON A PALLET KNIFE
WHAT,S YOUR COLOUR AT THIS MOMENT
DOES IT FEEL WARMTH
IS IT POTENT
COLOURS SEEP INTO YOUR SKIN
FROM GOD ABOVE TO JOY WITHIN
COLOURS

Mic
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Re: COLOURS

Post by Mic » Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:59 pm

Dear Peter,

There is some good rhythm in this piece, though it stumbles once or twice (e.g. l2 of your 4th stanza) - but this is easily corrected. I didn't really understand the line "A COLOUR PAINTER ON A PALLET KNIFE". You might perhaps have meant 'with' instead of 'on'. Quite liked your final line "COLOURS SEEP INTO YOUR SKIN FROM GOD ABOVE TO JOY WITHIN".

Dear Peter,

It really is hard on the eye - and the ear! - to read your poems all in caps. For me, it's like having someone just millimeters from my face roaring at me.
Can we see your next poem in lower case?
Please?

Best

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Sharra
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Re: COLOURS

Post by Sharra » Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:01 pm

I have to be honest, I'm struggling getting past the capitals too. It is the text equivalent of shouting - is that how you want your poems to be read?
Sharra
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It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

oranggunung
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Re: COLOURS

Post by oranggunung » Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:01 pm

Peter

Welcome. I hope you get along with the PG crowd (they) we’re a friendly bunch.

Is this a performance piece? The repetition of the title at the beginning of the lines is quite hypnotic and serves to stress the rhythm of the lines. Unfortunately, that emphasises the hiccups in the rhythm. Smooth those out and it’ll be great fun to read.

I’m unconvinced by the capital letters - a reaction against e.e. cummings, perhaps?


og

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