one in a million and one - revised

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Mic
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one in a million and one - revised

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:47 pm

revised:-

one in a million and one

I wait

a million beats
for a single sound from beyond



I walk

a million paces
across the breadth of a single hair

I climb

a million strands
of febrile DNA

I watch

a million corpuscles dressed in crimson cloaks
a million atoms caught in pressed embrace
a million particles pair, collide and evoke

muscle, tendon, flecks of bone
fragments of thought, unsexed, no home

I wait

a million

beats

before

we meet


original:-


Re: one in a million and one
by Mic on Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:45 pm

revised:-


one in a million in one

I wait

a million beats
for a single sound from beyond



I walk

a million paces
across the breadth of a single hair


I climb

a million strands
of febrile DNA

I watch

a million corpuscles dressed in crimson cloaks
a million atoms caught in pressed embrace
a million particles pair, collide and evoke

muscle, tendon, flecks of bone
fragments of thought, unsexed, no home

I wait

a

million

beats

before

we meet

for a stranded moment, blessed sweet
at the edge of our shattered selves
Last edited by Mic on Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:50 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Lovely
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Re: one in a million and one

Post by Lovely » Fri Jun 05, 2009 6:42 pm

I liked this much. A nice pace througout. For me it flew like a butterfly really from one fragrance to another.

The continued form was good and that is hard to do. One in my book.

Cheers M.

Lx

arunansu
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Re: one in a million and one

Post by arunansu » Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:57 am

Liked the pace and the flow of thoughts here. Love the images:

"a million corpuscles dressed in crimson cloaks
a million atoms caught in pressed embrace
a million particles pair, collide and evoke..."

Thanks for the read. A million times.Smiles.

brianedwards
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Re: one in a million and one

Post by brianedwards » Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:19 am

Much to enjoy here. Especially like the zen-like million steps across a single strand of hair.

The last couplet was a disappointment and I think it is more effective to end on "meet". Similarly, the "I swim" section is much weaker than the others, "savage tear" especially jarring. That section seems to repeat what has already been established, and so I think cutting it would improve the poem greatly.

Best regards.

B.

Mic
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Re: one in a million and one

Post by Mic » Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:45 pm

Aru, Lovely - thanks for the comments. Brian, thanks. I've incorporated your suggestions.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: one in a million and one - revised

Post by Sharra » Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:01 pm

Mic, I really enjoyed reading this. I think the new version reads better.
I think you have some great images in there, and I really like the way you've used line spacing in this.
Thanks for the read :)
Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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mesmie
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Re: one in a million and one - revised

Post by mesmie » Sat Jun 06, 2009 8:06 pm

mic

very much enjoyed reading this..loved the format and the images were super..nice job.

mes
:)

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