Colossus

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backinblack
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Colossus

Post by backinblack » Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:32 am

Heavy air hung sand filled,
a veil for distant dunes.
Behind the guise of matter,
in the notes of mystic tunes.

Waters clear and energized,
a force of immeasurable power.
Lapping waters hypnotize,
each minute turns to hour.

Her shorelines hug her tenderly,
sands so brilliant,pure and bright.
A colossus stands there,still,alone.
A guardian of the night.
Last edited by backinblack on Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Poems everybody...poems.. the laddie fancies himself a poet!..Pink Floyd-The wall.

arunansu
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Re: Colossus

Post by arunansu » Thu Jun 04, 2009 1:07 pm

Truly wondrous sight it would be, BinB. Nice write, however, I expected a better ending. Don't you feel the last line sounds "preachy"? Smiles.

"Her shorelines hug her tenderly,
sands so brilliant,pure and bright."
- great lines, my friend.

Thanks for the read.

Mic
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Re: Colossus

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:38 pm

Dear Black,

A good first stanza, especially liked the first two lines - they landed me in the poem immediately, I could picture the scene. First two lines of second stanza are weak, and 'immeasurable' jolts the rhythm off-course. I liked "Lapping waters hypnotise/ each minute turns to hour' and "Her shorelines hug her tenderly". But I wasn't very keen on the rest of the final stanza, it's a little lame. "A truly wondrous sight" - What's that thing they say 'show, don't tell'.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Lovely
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Re: Colossus

Post by Lovely » Fri Jun 05, 2009 7:01 pm

I do like this BinB. Was that where you were, in Greece?

You've not lost any of your skills and expressions by the looks of it.

"Behind the guise of matter,
in the notes of mystic tunes" very nice touch.

Pacey work this with thrills.

Lx

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Danté
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Re: Colossus

Post by Danté » Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:02 am

Bnb

Great to see you about the place, I agree with other comments re the last verse and think a little more work
could deliver a better impression rather relying on simply saying it was wonderous.
That also goes for line two of the second verse. It´s a compact form that flows well and is not going to be
too easy to incorporate better visuals, but I think the potential reward certainly makes it worth considering.

Enjoyed the sights and would like a little poiter here and there to allow the senses to engage more.

all the best

Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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