Complex heights

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Mic
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Complex heights

Post by Mic » Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:25 am

Complex heights

Love travels with you, you say, as we move together towards greater complexity

I run my fingers through your well-kept words
Climb upon the sinewy back of your telescopic sentences

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator

Dishevelled sentences, raucous with laughter
Waltz shabbily past us in the crepuscular light

We climb higher
My chest tightens

I feel the grit of your irritation underfoot
Look over there, you say. Anger burns like ice in boiling oil

But your smile is as soft as a snowflake landing
Your eyes explore the way ahead with a surgeon’s touch

You hold a sleepless truth between us, carefully, in opened palms
I gaze astonished but unblinking at its uncompromising charms
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Lovely
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Re: Complex heights

Post by Lovely » Wed Jun 03, 2009 10:50 am

Very beautiful indeed! "Love travels with you".......

Lovexxxxxxxx

nar
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Re: Complex heights

Post by nar » Wed Jun 03, 2009 1:27 pm

Hi, Mic.

OK, some honest crit here, I think this piece is worth it.
The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator
That is bloody good, friend. Just a great line.

Yet,
But your smile is as soft as a snowflake landing
is IMHO, just bloody awful! A cliché and a poor simile all in one. Sorry. The rest of this poem deserves better than this.

Overall, I think this is very good. I'd lose the other ice/oil simile too, and focus on the stronger image-creation you use elsewhere.

Very much enjoyed.

- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)

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Re: Complex heights

Post by Ros » Wed Jun 03, 2009 2:33 pm

In my opinion this is much better than your first poem. Some great images-

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator,

I feel the grit of your irritation underfoot

I have more of a problem with eyes having a touch - that is somehow a bit ukky! and would ice burn in boiling oil? I think it would be gone too quickly... but I approve of anyone who can get crepuscular into a poem! Btw, it's more common not to use capitals at the beginning of each line when the sentence runs on (though I expect someone will argue with me about that). Something else to watch for is not to load the poem too much with adjectives before each noun - it tends to be more effective to find a stronger noun or verb. Enjoyed reading this, thanks.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Mic
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Re: Complex heights

Post by Mic » Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:06 pm

Lovely - thanks!
Neil - most appreciate your frank remarks.
Ros - Erm, I'm not exactly sure what would happen re ice in boiling oil. I'll give it a go tonight, and report back. And thank-you too, for technique suggestions.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Complex heights

Post by R Cox » Wed Jun 03, 2009 7:27 pm

This is not a crit, but please don't start throwing ice cubes into oil. I don't fancy cleaning up after angry oil, even less less so your kitchen ceiling. Words of wisdom need not always be cryptic.

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Re: Complex heights

Post by Sharra » Wed Jun 03, 2009 7:35 pm

Mic, I too liked this one much better. Especially:
I run my fingers through your well-kept words
Climb upon the sinewy back of your telescopic sentences

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator
I wasn't too keen on crepuscular - it made me stop and work out its meaning, which detracted from the poem for me.

I liked the meaning of the last 2 lines but felt that the rhyme with charms and palms upset the rhythm of the poem. I wonder about changing charms, it doesn't feel a strong enough word to be astonished at.
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Complex heights

Post by ray miller » Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:05 am

I liked this, some lovely phrases. I thought some of the sentences were too long.You could lose "together" in the opening line and the closing two lines were too lengthy, "uncompromising" jars particularly."I feel the grit of your irritation underfoot" is very good. I liked the "smile as soft as a snowflake landing" though perhaps "delicate" rather than soft.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

arunansu
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Re: Complex heights

Post by arunansu » Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:58 am

I would second Ray and Sharra here. the last two lines are awfully long, and the end rhymes were unnecessary. I too loved "as soft as a snowflake landing". I found "crepuscular light" interesting, yet not too sure whether it suits the poem.
All in all, a lovely read.

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Re: Complex heights

Post by backinblack » Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:14 am

Hi there , a really good write IMHO, very vivid and visual.
Some very nice lines in there too.
Greatly enjoyed.
thanks.

Binb.
Poems everybody...poems.. the laddie fancies himself a poet!..Pink Floyd-The wall.

Mic
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Re: Complex heights

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:42 pm

Sharra, Ray, Usnanura, BinB - thanks for the considered commentary. I expect to accommodate most of these excellent suggestions in my revision.

What a great forum, really.

PS R-Cox: I abandoned the ice in oil experiment (and expect to abandon that line). I was v. tempted though, most keen to know what it would be like. Perhaps my local chippy, Sore Finger, will have some insights. I shall report back.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Mic
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Re: Complex heights

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:44 pm

PS 2 - excuse me for being thick. What does IMHO stand for?
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Complex heights

Post by Ros » Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:44 pm

In My Humble Opinion

hth
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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ray miller
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Re: Complex heights

Post by ray miller » Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:48 pm

I thought it was In My Honest Opinion!
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Ros
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Re: Complex heights

Post by Ros » Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:27 pm

perhaps it depends how humble (or honest) you are!
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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