Daily (My daily visitors)

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Suzanne
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Daily (My daily visitors)

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jun 02, 2009 8:58 am

Daily

Desire arrives every morning,
sits on the edge of my bed
asks why she can't move in,
she knows I want her near.
She presses your photograph
to my cheek, clouds my eyes with tears-
I'm no longer able see your face.

At breakfast, Prudence stamps
her clay feet around the flat, pounds
out the daily rhythm, jarring sounds
of contracts made. Cruelly, laughs
at the dew upon the orchids,
tells me it's not real rain, hisses-
it can't sustain even a balcony life.

But Sweet Contentment, lingers
in the doorway waiting for me to notice.
He offers me shoes, I slip them on,
strong hands tenderly tie my laces,
with whispers he reminds-
I'm free to do what I like.

Skipping, I go look for you.

.


Desire arrives every morning,
sits on the edge of my bed
asks why she can't move in,
she knows I want her near.
She presses your photograph
to my cheek, clouds my eyes with tears-
I am no longer able see your face.

At breakfast, Prudence stamps
her clay feet around the flat, pounds
out the daily rhythm, jarring sounds
of contracts made. Cruelly, laughs
at the dew upon the orchids,
and tells me it's not real rain, hisses-
it can't sustain even a balcony life.

But Sweet Contentment, he lingers
in my doorway patiently waiting
for me to notice him, offers me shoes,
I slip them on, strong hands tenderly
tie my laces and with whispers he reminds-
I'm free to do what I like.

Skipping, I go look for you.

.
Last edited by Suzanne on Tue Jun 09, 2009 6:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Lovely
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Re: My daily visitors

Post by Lovely » Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:43 pm

Lovely ending really loved that!

Wow.........you're back!

Nice------ and of course deep!

If i may say; a sleeping wakefullness.

Love always xxxxxxxxxxxx :D

ray miller
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Re: My daily visitors

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:55 pm

I liked the first two stanzas, especially the second, but I thought the final one was poor, to be honest.Do you not want "to" between able and see?I loved all those stamps, pounds,laughs, hisses, really good. For rhythm sake I'd remove clay before feet."can't sustain even a balcony life" is a great line.You could finish there, it would be a different poem but otherwise you need to rethink the last stanza.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Mic
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Re: My daily visitors

Post by Mic » Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:22 am

Amusing portraits of Desire, Prudence and Sweet Contentment. Prudence is a bit of rude guest, no? This I like, goes against type (I imagine parsimonious Prudence as careful, considerate, meticulous). Your foot-stamping, crabby, bad-tempered Prudence is funny. I like the 'sustain' / 'rain' half rhyme. Amusing portraits in a tight structure. Not sure the last line is necessary.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Suzanne
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Re: My daily visitors

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:28 pm

Lovely,
Thank for your lovely comments. You are so kind to me. I appreciate the time. I am glad that you liked the last line. I seem to have a habit of having a clear last line... a summary or conclusion of sorts. lol. probably not great poetry but satisfying on some crazy level.

Ray,
I like you comments, they always make me think. I do agree that leaving out the last bit would be okay, but.. like you said, it would make it a different poem. I like the idea of choosing Sweet Contentment while putting on my shoes to go play. lol thanks. I like it when you are around.

Mic,

Thanks for your reply and comments. I liked my Stubborn Prudence, too. She made sure she was heard. I can ignore her now and again, I admit it... but she can never say she is not heard. lol.
I guess the last line is my personal input, which... well, when I am published, I may leave out. because i agree with you! lol. Thank you for your time,

Warmly,
Suzanne

Lovely
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Re: Daily (My daily visitors)

Post by Lovely » Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:46 am

I loved this first and love more now. What a grand flow........this.

lxxxxxxxxxxxx

arunansu
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Re: Daily (My daily visitors)

Post by arunansu » Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:12 pm

Wonderful read, Suzanne. For me, S2 is the strongest. Smiles.

R Cox
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Re: Daily (My daily visitors)

Post by R Cox » Wed Jun 10, 2009 6:39 pm

Good on the title change. It brings the whole thing to the now, which is I presume what this is. At least the effect of it... Bringing timeless themes incontrovertibly into the present. As others have said already your portrayal of Prudence is great and a lovely prelude to your Sweet Contentment. For me, the last line is a must. X

Suzanne
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Re: Daily (My daily visitors)

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:54 pm

Aru, thanks! it is a real compliment when you think the flow is good. thank you!

Lovely, glad you like the slight edit. You encourage me to write another!

R. Cox, thank you for the support of the last line! the skipping and looking are some of my favorite activities!

Suzanne

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