First shower of July

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
arunansu
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2873
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:01 pm
Location: INDIA
Contact:

First shower of July

Post by arunansu » Tue Jun 02, 2009 6:27 am

vagabond snail
crawls on moist wall--
leaves gift pearls

**

rain plays samba drums--
infant wildflowers
with broadened eyes

**

crickets read out
weather bulletins
to a broken twig

**

under wooden arbor
and bathing vines
--damp mid-noon

Lovely
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2195
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:37 am
antispam: no

Re: First shower of July

Post by Lovely » Tue Jun 02, 2009 12:41 pm

Some very beautiful words here. It canon rocks for me.

I'm really getting to like and enjoy the way you express yourself now.

Spring flowers for this winter, for me. Skip none but love it!

Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lake
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2294
Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:55 pm
Location: Sky Blue Waters

Re: First shower of July

Post by Lake » Tue Jun 02, 2009 5:19 pm

Hi arunansu,

These are delicate, hard to choose which is the best.

1
vagabond snail
crawls on moist wall--
leaves gift pearls


A hyphen after "wall" means a break, I wonder would a fragment instead of a sentence after the "--" make a clean break ? Something like

vagabond snail
crawls on moist wall--
glistening thread

2
rain plays samba drums--
infant wildflowers
with broadened eyes


Are there flowers called "infant wildflowers"? What do they look like? I liked the contrast images here - loud rain and blooming flowers.

3
crickets read out
weather bulletins
to a broken twig


"crickets read to a broken twig", makes me smile.

4
under wooden arbor
and bathing vines
--damp mid-noon


The placement of "--" is untraditional.

Some reactions after reading these haiku. I'm still in the process of learning how to write good haiku, so be aware that my points may not be valid.
Glad to read these soothing stuff.

Lake

arunansu
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2873
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:01 pm
Location: INDIA
Contact:

Re: First shower of July

Post by arunansu » Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:01 am

Thanks Lovely for your reply.

Dear Lake,
I'm also learning. Smiles. Thank you for the time and suggestions. Yes, there are always room for further improvement. :)

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: First shower of July

Post by ray miller » Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:39 am

It's kind of hard to imagine a snail being fast enough to be vagabond!"leaves gift pearls" is very nice. You could do better than crickets read out, how about declare just for the cricketing pun.Isn't wooden arbor a bit tautologous?Beautiful language, mostly.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Mic
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1758
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:58 am
antispam: no
Contact:

Re: First shower of July

Post by Mic » Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:00 am

These have a coy, quiet beauty about them. I like the sequence of them. Satisfying. Like dropping pebbles in a pond and watching the ripples spread out. No. 3 has the best ripples, for me. Instead of 'read out' I wonder if 'announce' would work?
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Post Reply