Smoke

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ton321
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Smoke

Post by ton321 » Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:06 am

followed us in through the door,
was in our hair,
the strands of our clothes;

we were soaked in it like water
in a sponge, the kind
from burning tyes,

that fleeing armies make
in the middle east
out of spite

as they set another oilfield alight;
that hibernated in our being,
wintered out

for thaw, for spring,
bided its time like fog does
on some mornings.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Smoke

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jan 12, 2020 5:13 pm

.
Hi Tony,
not sure about this one.
L4 is a bit of a stumble, for me.
Maybe a more condensed version?


Smoke

the kind fleeing armies make
as they set another oilfield alight;

followed us in through the door,
hibernated in our being, wintered

for spring, for thaw, bided its time
like fog does, some mornings.


Regards, Not



.

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Poet
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Re: Smoke

Post by Poet » Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:49 am

I like it, really interesting, I like the imagery in here, I wouldn't change a thing.

ray miller
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Re: Smoke

Post by ray miller » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:08 am

Enjoyed. It's true that the poem really becomes interesting at the third stanza. Maybe you could trim some of the opening.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Smoke

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:13 pm

I also like it, Tony, and wondered if the final version might lie between Not's version and your own.

Enjoyed, especially second time round.

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Smoke

Post by bjondon » Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:17 pm

It's an odd last line. All the other stanzas end on two beats, this has two and a half or three, with that mushy word 'some'. It's a change of pace, a dying fall, so maybe it works.
That's my only stumble. There are two or three other disconnects in the flow of sense/grammar but they all work for me as discomforters, derangers - it all adds to the sense of paranoia, panic, something majorly wrong but not quite stated.
Typo on L6.
I'd be tempted to end it on
'for thaw, for spring.'
Jules

ton321
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Re: Smoke

Post by ton321 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:06 pm

Thanks Not, Poet, Ray for taking the time to have a look. JJ, you may be right, it needs to an alteration as the others have said. Thanks BJ for your comments, much appreciated! I'll bear the sense of rhythm in mind when I revise it
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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