Magpies (V4) formerly Parakeets

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bjondon
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Magpies (V4) formerly Parakeets

Post by bjondon » Tue Nov 06, 2018 6:33 pm

Magpies

Four parakeets
on the perihelions of the sycamore tree
Five parakeets
bouncing, flouncing, trouncing
PEW PEW PEW
Their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
They're screaming limeys, neon Skeets!
so up and gusted
scattering suave in curlicues

We Buds make way
. . . Crark! . . . Crark!
They hold their sway




Parakeets V3
Four parakeets perched
on the perihelions of the sycamore tree
Five parakeets
bouncing, trouncing, flouncing
PEW PEW PEW
Their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
the warrior's yelp of glee
They're screaming limeys, neon skeets
They're up and gusted
suave in scattered curlicues
They hold their sway
We drabs make way





parakeets
4 parakeets
on the perihelions of the sycamore tree
5 parakeets
bouncing, trouncing, flouncing, screaming limeys
pew pew pew
their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
the warrior's yelp of glee
then up and gusted
scattering suave in curlicues

and all us other birds make way
those neon skeets have come to stay




Parakeets original[i/]
Four parakeets bouncing
on the perihelion of the sycamore tree
Bouncing in the wind

Five parakeets, their neon skeets
their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
a conversational pew pew pew
the warrior's yelp of glee

And then, like scattered wheat
they're up and gusted
suave in curlicues

And all us other birds make way
Those new birds on the block
hold sway
Last edited by bjondon on Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:54 pm, edited 6 times in total.

1lankest
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Re: Parakeets

Post by 1lankest » Wed Nov 07, 2018 9:20 am

Liked it, great sonics appropriate to the content. Perihelion is a bit much, though. Let sure many people will get that reference and it seems out of place in a poem about parrots.

‘they're up and gusted
suave in curlicues’

Not sure this makes sense grammatically, either.

This beautiful pest needs controlling, I hear, down in Kent and other places. A touch of this dilemma is present in the close of you poem.

L

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Re: Parakeets

Post by Perry » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:41 pm

I find myself wondering if "parakeets" is a metaphor for a certain kind of human, and that you aren't writing about parakeets at all. I'll proceed on the assumption that the narrator is an actual bird speaking about actual parakeets.
bjondon wrote:
Tue Nov 06, 2018 6:33 pm
Four parakeets bouncing
on the perihelion of the sycamore tree ["perihelion" is a word having to do with orbits, no?]
Bouncing in the wind [I don't usually mind repeating words, but in this case I would replace the second "bouncing".]

Five parakeets, their neon skeets [why has the number just increased to five? not sure what "skeets" means in this context.]
their horny Harry Corbett squeaks [will a bird know who Harry Corbett is?]
a conversational pew pew pew [is that the sound parakeets make?]
the warrior's yelp of glee

And then, like scattered wheat
they're up and gusted ["gusting"]
suave in curlicues

And all us other birds make way
Those new birds on the block
hold sway [I can't say exactly why, but "hold sway" sounds trite to me. "need space, they say" popped into my head as an ending that rhymes.]
Regarding Harry Corbett, when putting words in the mouth of an animal, I think it's best not to get too specific about human culture.

It's a nice little poem. I think the language could be made a little clearer -- i.e., less fragmented. More punctuation would be nice.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

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Mirrorball
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Re: Parakeets

Post by Mirrorball » Wed Nov 07, 2018 3:26 pm

Five Pa-ra-keets, four calling birds, three French hens….

I think I know what you’re doing with the numbers but they could be multiplying.

It’s funny how your mind works Jules, it was sweep who squeaked rather than Harry himself. I’m not aware of him either being horny but obviously Matthew was conceived at some point.

Should it be the sycamore with the perihelion or the bird orbiting the tree? Generally trees don’t orbit.

“the warrior's yelp of glee”

I’m not familiar with parakeet behaviour. Are they aggressive towards other birds?

“And all us other birds make way”

N being a bird does confuse me. I wonder if the poem is a metaphor for an exuberant newbie joining (or re-joining) this forum. *MB looks from parakeet to Jules and from Jules to parakeet….*

A good read, thanks.

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Re: parakeets (V2)

Post by Macavity » Wed Nov 07, 2018 6:56 pm

Hi Jules,
I prefer the original. perihelion/curlicues are both interesting word choices. The way/stay couplet sounds trite.
cheers

mac
bjondon wrote:
Tue Nov 06, 2018 6:33 pm
4 parakeets
on the perihelions of the sycamore tree
5 parakeets
they're bouncing, trouncing, flouncing, screaming limeys..............sounds childish
pew pew pew
their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
the warrior's yelp of glee
then up and gusted
scattering suave in curlicues

and all us other birds make way
those neon skeets have come to stay



Parakeets original[i/]
Four parakeets bouncing
on the perihelion of the sycamore tree
Bouncing in the wind

Five parakeets, their neon skeets
their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
a conversational pew pew pew.................like the use of conversational
the warrior's yelp of glee

And then, like scattered wheat
they're up and gusted
suave in curlicues..............................like the phrasing

And all us other birds make way
Those new birds on the block
hold sway

bjondon
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Re: parakeets (V2)

Post by bjondon » Wed Nov 07, 2018 7:15 pm

Thanks guys,
this was written and posted fast, then reworked overnight
- basically upping the sonics and positioning the N more decidedly as a bird.

Luke: I have pluralised perihelion which I think works better. Literally it means
'closest to the sun' . . .why shouldn't a tree be a planet? (especially a sycamore).
Parakeets are indeed cute and pestilential, entirely naturalised in greater london
and yes, quite a problem for farmers and market gardeners. Glad you liked it.

Perry: double bouncing . . .I agree
'skeets' was me just neologising and onomatopaeing at leisure, but then I discovered
it does actually mean something:- one of those disc-shaped clay missiles toffs catapult
into the air for target practise. It struck me that that is the single worst thing that one
bird could call another.
Would a bird know who Harry Corbett is? …the bird in my head does.
'gusty' or 'gusted' … I think the wind does the gusting so it's fair to say they are 'gusted'
'hold sway' … you are right, it's a nice phrase but it does sound kind of trite in that context.
The Corbett reference is a bit quirky, but I think it fits (just).

Mb: Numbers are tricky!
We all know it was really horny Harry doing the squeaks (sorry to disillusion you).I would also like
to point out that Sweep was entirely silent. I had forgotten about Matthew! Hopefully YouTub
is keeping this legend alive.
Trees don't orbit but they do constantly angle their branches and leaves towards the sun.
Parakeet aggression: they are like little samurai, very cool but the young males can lethally
wound each other and they face down magpies with no problem.
I hope you don't think of me as a neon skeet :D

mac: will have a think about that 'childish' line . . . I was trying for a build up of hysteria and indignation

Regards, Jules
Last edited by bjondon on Wed Nov 07, 2018 10:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: parakeets (V2)

Post by Mirrorball » Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:41 pm

Jules, sweep is definitely doing the squeaking in this video:

https://youtu.be/MqcinlOYIyc

But I'm of generation Matthew and the age profile on this forum is quite high so you're catering for your audience. :) It also makes no difference to the poem.

I agree with Mac that there's something more compelling about the original. The sycamore tree idea is unique. Naturally I would think of birds orbiting a tree first but that could just be just me and I like your idea now you explain it. Perhaps you could be clearer because it is quite an obscure word to connect to the image.

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Re: Parakeets (V3)

Post by ray miller » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:45 pm

I'd love to know who or what these parakeets are meant to represent. I keep thinking of the Invictus games - and I know I shouldn't. Can a sycamore tree, or anything else, have more than one perihelion?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Parakeets (V3)

Post by Macavity » Thu Nov 08, 2018 7:14 pm

Four parakeets perched
on the perihelions of the sycamore tree
Five parakeets
bouncing, trouncing, flouncing.............................yes, better with out the limeys
PEW PEW PEW
Their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
the warrior's yelp of glee
They're screaming limeys, neon skeets...................................oh dear, the limeys are back gain! :lol:
They're up and gusted
suave in scattered curlicues
They hold their sway
We drabs make way...................................I do like that addition
cheers

mac

bjondon
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Re: Magpies (V4) formerly Parakeets

Post by bjondon » Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:44 pm

Thanks Mb, Ray and mac,
this workshop experience is weirdly multiplying these parakeet things,
perhaps even a sequence of subtly shifting Ns?
Mb:- To my eternal shame you seem to know more about Sooty and Sweep
than I do. But I would site this:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozl1wT7BwfA
as evidence that in 100years time Harry will still be king.
-- You preferred the original . . . it seemed a bit naive and directionless to me
but I can see how subsequent versions might have succumbed to metaphoritis.
Making the Ns Magpies might help . . .
'perched' added to L1 in V3 situated them more firmly on the tree but lost the sonics.

Ray:- Sycamores seem to have five or six tendrils at their apex, all reaching and competing
that bit harder for the sun. And these birds love these little whippy perches. No astronomer
would accept such confused reasoning. Pluralising to 'perihelions' either gives a helpful
clue or adds insult to injury.
Invictus! …allI can say is wow! - very edgy and I really like it (even the Harry connection)
and perihelions seem to fit better … Would I dare? … I think I'd want to ask an expert
how much offence might be taken. If I was disabled I think I would like it (i.e. simply
retitling V3 as Invictus) … even the 'squeaks'. (plus at the end we become the 'drabs')
I was thinking of pushing it more towards
an army of occupation feeling but instead have gone a bit more specifically back to
the birds, with maybe a hint of gang warfare.

mac:- 'screaming limeys' - yes, not too happy with that, but it runs a bit better coming
from a Magpie.

Jules
Last edited by bjondon on Fri Nov 09, 2018 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Magpies (V4) formerly Parakeets

Post by Macavity » Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:51 am

We Buds make way
. . . Crark! . . . Crark!.......................................the sonics of that fracture the familiar way/sway, which is good
They hold their sway
best

mac

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Re: Magpies (V4) formerly Parakeets

Post by churinga » Fri Nov 09, 2018 7:36 pm

'perihelions'
The problem with 'perihelions' apart from the meaning is the sonics, 5 syllables takes up a lot of sonic space,
I would atleast have a line break after the word to give the reader time to catch his breath.

bouncing, flouncing, trouncing
This is a bit corny.

PEW PEW PEW
I have lorikeets in my area, I don't associate pew with the screeching they make.

Their horny Harry Corbett squeaks
I like this, I loved Harry in Steptoe and Son.

They're screaming limeys, neon Skeets!
so up and gusted
scattering suave in curlicues
I really like these 3 lines, I would put 'in curlicues 'on a separate line.

I don't think you are doing yourself any favours by posting revision after revision so rapidly.
I would wait a while until you are sure the poem is what you want it to be.
I often wait years before I feel a poem is finished.

cheers

Ross

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