Box Mothed

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
bjondon
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 182
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Box Mothed

Post by bjondon » Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:39 pm


there's a fine line
currently hung with frass
between humanity's hot pursuits
time , space , mass
carving greenery
and
greenery's carvery
patient , rapacious , heavy
waiting
to ride an ass








==============================================================================================






Humans are getting in a tizz
an insect won't die when we tell it to
I was aiming for the dramatic effect
of comparing
a tiger with a moth
appropriating some of the awe
most of the twinkle
and
signposting
in the process
the sheer absurdity of writing poetry
hoping that somewhere
hoping that from somewhere
within its strangled grammar
seeming equality would emerge
the moths , the tigers
them , us

Oh, and there was a pun in there too
an elegant little two fingered salute
from Mother Nature herself
This moth
perched on one of many human appurtenances
as it is wont to do
(with striking impertinence!)
this moth


at rest
wings lying flat
two large white triangles
with a wide slapdash black border
a diamond shaped frame
in effect nothing
less obvious
than
a badly drawn
box!





Box moth, box moth gleaming white
Hard against the patio light
Who that dreams of bio-tech
May bring this wretched race to wreck

Who that spins a diamond frame
Shall casually out live their name
And boxed in self idolatry
Make havoc their geometry

Box moth, box moth take to wing
Escalate one simple thing
Spin the tilt of unframed air
Upwrench your equal if you dare
Last edited by bjondon on Wed Oct 24, 2018 5:14 pm, edited 18 times in total.

Perry
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 378
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am

Re: Moths in Boxes

Post by Perry » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:11 am

I just can't read a poem which is all centered, in the same way that I won't read a prose poem that has no line breaks. Sorry.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

bjondon
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 182
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: Moths in Boxes

Post by bjondon » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:59 pm

I don't think the composite idea is working so have separated new top piece and changed the title.

Perry, I take your point. I too find this format can be a bit twee and irritating, plus it changes
and diminishes the impact of the line breaks. The next step would be to put it in a fancy font
on top of a faded misty print of a country idyll . . . yuk!

I'm interested in concrete poetry though i.e. the poem as an actual physical object in the world. As far as line breaks go, they're still there, and if related to breathing, this is quite a harmonious way of doing it.

I specifically chose the format because of its echoes of the moth's symmetry
and of topiary hedges made out of box (very popular in the UK).

At only ten lines long I hope I can entice you back to have another look!

Regards, Jules

Perry
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 378
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am

Re: Box Moths

Post by Perry » Fri Oct 12, 2018 12:13 am

I did read it several times, and I don't understand it. I'm just not any good at deciphering poems that are heavy with symbolism.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

Post Reply