noli illegitimi carborundum

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Binz
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noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Binz » Mon Sep 10, 2018 9:22 am

Revision 2 (credit to Mac)

Don’t let him get to you. Move on.
Let it all out: cry, scream, shout.
The sea is full of finer fish.
Bastards come and go, he’s gone, so
Grind your heel in his photo’d face.
You own your life, free from his fist. Let’s go
Down town on the pull and get pissed.


Revised

Don’t let him get to you. Move on.
Let it all out: cry, scream, shout.
The sea is full of finer fish.
Bastards come and go, he’s gone, so
Grind your heel in his photo’d face.
You freed yourself from his bloody fist. Let’s go
Down town on the pull and get pissed.


Original

Don’t let him get to you. Move on.
Let it all out; cry, scream, shout.
The sea is full of better fish.
Bastards come and go, he’s gone, so
Grind your heel in his photo’d face.
You own your life now you’re not his. Let’s go
Down town on the pull and get pissed.
Last edited by Binz on Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:25 am, edited 2 times in total.
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

Ravallion
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Ravallion » Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:54 am

Ah. Very clever indeed. Ive worked with those grinding disks.

I have no suggestions. You accomplished all you intended imho.

If this is real world, Id love to be there when you show it to whomever is its
inspiration. * unless it is self directed& Excellent job✌

Let's get pissed indeed

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Binz
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Binz » Mon Sep 10, 2018 11:07 am

thanks Ravallion

I thought it would be fun to play at crafting a poem starting with each line with a word of the phrase and this is what came out. It is based on no one specifically but many people generally.

B
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

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Mirrorball
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Mirrorball » Mon Sep 10, 2018 9:45 pm

Avoid
Construct
Restriction
Or
Subconsciously
The
Imagination
Creates
Straightjacket

***********

Binz, your poem is like a 'word' acrostic. It's always good to see poems that are accessible to those who don't normally read poetry. I could imagine this being circulated around the office. :)

If I was going to be fussy then I could say things like 'The sea is full of better fish.' is a forced phrase/cliché but I view your poem as a bit of experimental fun and there's nothing wrong with that in my book.

.................................Let’s go
Down town on the pull and get pissed.

Are you in the USA? Do American's pull and get pissed too?

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Binz
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Binz » Tue Sep 11, 2018 9:53 am

nice acrostics acrostic :)

yep, it was as you view it, just a bit of experimental fun.

I'm OK with a cliché in this as it reflects the reality that in those circumstances many clichés will be offered. But I did struggle with that line and it still feels clunky, I thought of replacing 'better' with 'finer' but it felt like too many 'f's.
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Macavity » Thu Sep 13, 2018 11:58 am

Binz wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 9:22 am
Don’t let him get to you. Move on.
Let it all out: cry, scream, shout...........perhaps a colon for list
The sea is full of finer fish....................the alliteration's fine
Bastards come and go, he’s gone, so
Grind your heel in his photo’d face.
You own your life now you’re not his. Let’s go ...more zip needed here?
Down town on the pull and get pissed.

The sea's loaded with finer fish...an option if you do have alliteration concerns

Good one

Mac

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Binz
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Binz » Thu Sep 13, 2018 4:36 pm

thanks Mac. Revision posted with alternative line 6 and other tweaks.
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Macavity » Thu Sep 13, 2018 4:41 pm

I think you've gone too far the other way now Binz!

Perhaps drop the adjective to...

You own your life, free from his fist

best

mac
Last edited by Macavity on Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:36 pm

I enjoyed this one, Binz, very much, in fact.

I wasn't immediately hooked but was interested enough to keep reading.
Before long I was being landed, having taken the hook, line and sinker.

It's worth remembering that cliché is an important and useful rhetorical device,
especially where humour is concerned. It's too easy to forget.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Binz
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Re: noli illegitimi carborundum

Post by Binz » Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:37 am

thanks Mac, good improvement, which I have now included.

thanks JJ, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the advice

thanks all for the feedback and coaching on this one.

B
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

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