Visitations (revision5)

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Macavity
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Visitations (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:01 am

revision5

Camping last night,
the wind wailing
through the valley,
threaded our dreams.

Early morning,
runes of red light
beaded the stack
of silent pines.

And now this ink,
crows in flight,
a scrawl of
opaque portents.

And then the quiet
scripting its slow claw.
No bird perched
tree-proud. No song.

Our labrador barks
at something. I hear
myself muttering
a childhood prayer.

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.


-------------------------------------------------



revision4

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silent pines.

And now this scrawl,
those crows in flight,
their caw inking
our tired minds.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks,
and then whines.

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.





==========================================================================================

revision3

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
crows caw in flight,
an alphabet
scrawling portents.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something.

======================================================================
revision2

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
keening the forest.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
corvus in flight,
an alphabet
worded to omen.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something.

=====================================================================


revision

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
keening the forest.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silent pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.



===========================================================================

original


Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
soaked earth, tree and us.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light,
the spiders web
beneath the pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.
Last edited by Macavity on Wed Sep 19, 2018 4:56 am, edited 44 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Camping in the Sirhowy

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Jun 04, 2018 2:51 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi mac.
Macavity wrote:Camping in the Sirhowy
Can't see any connection
between the title and poem.
Macavity wrote:a banshee of rain
terrific line, but then 'soaked' ?
(seems a bit weak)
Macavity wrote:a claw of red light
another good line

The doesn't seem to be enough here
(and ending on 'something' is a bit
of an anticlimax)

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

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Re: Camping in the Sirhowy

Post by David » Mon Jun 04, 2018 6:28 pm

Hi Mac. A "banshee of rain" sounds great, but the defining character of a banshee (for me) actually is the sound of it, and I don't think I hear that sort of sound in rain (i.e. no wailing, shrieking, or keening).

Similarly, "a claw of red light" seems a bit overwrought, although it's a nice twist on rosy-fingered dawn - unless (sudden thought) it's a description of the spider's web?

I like the ending on "something" - it's indeterminate, but (possibly) full of menace.

Cheers

David

P.S. It's actually an industrialised valley? (I have been Googling.) I think you could make interesting use of that fact.

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Re: Glamping in Cwmcarn (revision)

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 04, 2018 7:54 pm

Thanks NQS and David for the nudges and prompts. I'm usually quite conservative on how much colour I apply to the canvas, but I think I'll just throw the can at this one. Cwmcarn is a particular part of the Sirhowy - industry was there, Celts and Romans too, and now mountain bikers. Resource Wales have been harvesting a lot of forest over the past year, which has had a major impact on bird life in the area. I guess folk like their woodburners!
I like the ending on "something" - it's indeterminate, but (possibly) full of menace.
Yes, that was my intention and experience.

cheers

mac

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Re: Glamping in Cwmcarn (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Jun 05, 2018 1:51 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi mac,
coming more into focus with the revision, I think,
but I'm not sure about the new title. The tone
(of glamping) seems wrong somehow.
Something of a feeble suggestion, 'Morning in Cwmcarn'
(with the weak pun).

Late last evening,
through our valley,

not sure about 'our'
a banshee of rain
Ok. Why not 'Cyhyraeth'?
keening the forest.
'keening' improves (and to me,
at least, explains 'banshee'),
but I liked the implications in
'earth, tree and us'

Early this morning,
bit dull this, why not simply 'now'?
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silent
pines.
again, an improvement, tbut
shouldn't it be past tense?
I do miss the spider's web though.
Just for the sonics
[scratched at] the stacked
silent pines.

I think you could add a verse here,
(just to build on the deforestation
and the loss of bird life) and because
I think the jump to the final verse
is a bit jarring.

Regards, Not.
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Re: Glamping in Cwmcarn (revision)

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jun 05, 2018 5:23 pm

Hi, Mac

I like the sentiments of this poem and enjoyed it from start to finish.
Macavity wrote:revision

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain ...I like the idea of this line but like David I associate banshees with shrieking ghosts. "A banshee of wind and rain" works, I think.
keening the forest. ...The first stanza sets us up with a dose of shocking weather in the forest. Ok no prob's there.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light ...Ah, so we have a claw and a banshee playing with the senses, and the claw isn't illuminating the stack but fingering it. A touch of the macabre, perhaps?
fingering the stack
of silent pines. ...Is 'silent' the right word here. I'm assuming they're dead but wondered if 'drying' or 'lifeless' might work.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something. ...I like the imagery and action but I'm not sure why it's relevant. It seems like the conclusion is missing.

All in all I enjoyed the read and details but was left wanting to know more.

Hope this helps some.

Best

JJ



===========================================================================

original


Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
soaked earth, tree and us.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light,
the spiders web
beneath the pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.
Long time a child and still a child

Macavity
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Re: Glamping in Cwmcarn (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Tue Jun 05, 2018 8:50 pm

Thanks NQS and JJ. I agree that the poem needs expansion. Will ponder.

all the best

mac

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Re: Glamping in Cwmcarn (revision2)

Post by David » Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:39 pm

Macavity wrote: a banshee of rain
keening the forest.
No no no no no. If I may so.

That doesn't work at all, Mac.

See me.

David

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Re: Cwmcarn (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Wed Jun 06, 2018 7:57 pm

Hi David

I read that banshees lament loss and keening was the term for that lament. What were your thoughts?

best

mac

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Re: Cwmcarn (revision3)

Post by David » Thu Jun 07, 2018 7:53 pm

No problem with "keening" as such, Mac, but "keening the forest" I just don't think will stand. Unless I'm mistaken - and it wouldn't be the first time - keen is an intransitive verb. You don't actually keen anything - you just keen. No?

David

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Re: Cwmcarn (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Thu Jun 07, 2018 8:20 pm

Thanks for coming back and explaining David.

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision3)

Post by churinga » Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:07 am

of silenced pines.
The pines are silent but 'silenced' is a bit rich.

corvus in flight,
covus sounds academic, would you actually use this word, why not crows or ravens.

I also like the ending. Reminds me of Blase Cendrars who saw poems as snapshots, not stories.

I didn't read the earlier versons.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Camping (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:00 pm

Thanks Ross. I have used corvus in another poem. I quite like the word/sound, but I don't think it is consistent with the lexis. Will edit.

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision3)

Post by the stranger » Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:30 pm

I do love captured moments, and there are some great lines, but I think the bread above the filling needs work, at both ends?

The nonchalant:

"Our labrador barks
at something."

Ok, we can imagine what he barks at and I guess that's "dynamic poetry" but is it engaging or interesting?

Cheers
TS

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Re: Camping (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:34 am

Thanks Ts. I'll see what I can bake :)
Ok, we can imagine what he barks at and I guess that's "dynamic poetry" but is it engaging or interesting?
Ironically that is an autobiographical moment and my most spooky experience. Freaked me out to the extent that I went out to look around - an action I always think is contrived in a film - and found nothing...not even a doggie snack calmed the dog down!

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision3)

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:33 am

Morning, mac

As is often the case with all of us, the reply reveals more than the poem. Your reply to Ts, with regards to the dog's barking,
was a spine-tingler and I feel you should attempt to describe that feeling in the poem. It's too good an opportunity to be missed.
Macavity wrote:revision3

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing ...This works well.
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
crows caw in flight,
an alphabet
scrawling portents. ...The portents of death and destruction are well represented by the corvids.

You sneeze. ...What's the significance of the sneeze? Is there a connection to the rest of the narrative? I wondered if it startled you.
No songbird sings. ...I think this is crucial, but I'm a birdlover so I might be distorting your intent. However, the link to the felled trees and the lack of beautiful songbirds hasn't been established, at least not for me, and I so want it to be. :)
Our labrador barks
at something. ...This is interesting, and I mean that sincerely, but your explanation to Ts put me right in the picture. It moved the action from interesting to exceptional IMHO.
I still think this is a very appealing poem and one I'd return to.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Camping (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Sat Jun 16, 2018 4:17 am

You sneeze. ...What's the significance of the sneeze? Is there a connection to the rest of the narrative? I wondered if it startled you.
I wasn't sure about that JJ. I wanted to hint that one camper was not spooked, not keyed into the fears of the other, and a commonplace sneeze was used to signify the ordinary. I like the aural thread there.
.This is interesting, and I mean that sincerely, but your explanation to Ts put me right in the picture.
Okay I'll have a ponder while I watch England beat the Aussies, though being Wales, I expect to acquire a sneeze or two watching rain!

Or perhaps a quick edit... :)

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by David » Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:31 am

Ah, you've humoured me on the "keening", Mac. Thank you. That's not always a good thing to do, but I think it is in this case.

I quite like your new S5, but I think I preferred the (lightly) loaded mystery of your labrador barking at "something". (Despite the intervention of The Stranger.)

The corvid seems an unnecessary fancification, though.

Cheers

David

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by the stranger » Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

I quite like your new S5, but I think I preferred the (lightly) loaded mystery of your labrador barking at "something". (Despite the intervention of The Stranger.)
You know what, maybe that is the case, perhaps no justification is required?

More often than not I engage with poetry, and this poetry forum in-particular, when I've had a few! It's always been the case. I like to write and comment under the gentle influence...

Unfortunately as my better half states: "You are the most pompous, judgemental drunk imaginable..." Could be worse I guess?

Anyhow on sober reflection, mystery is good?

Personally I tend to take on just about intelligent crit and often don't stop to think about the actual consequences of those changes. I guess it's about being confident in your words and writing, a place I've not accessed yet.

So, to summarise - take my comments with a pinch of salt, if they happen upon a Friday night!

Tis a good poem.

Cheers
TS

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by David » Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:58 pm

Ah yes. Late Friday night posting is a pleasure I've learned to do without. Saves writing apologetic retractions on Saturday morning.

But no need for you to retract or apologise here. I'm not sure you're not right.

Cheers yourself

David

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Firebird » Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:46 pm

I like it Mac, and for me each revision is an improvement. I like that there are no main verbs in the first three stanzas. It works well to set a scene and puts the reader in the moment. Some specific comments below.

Macavity wrote:revision4

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
keeping us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silenced pines. (Not sure about 'silenced')

And now this ink,
corvid in flight,
an alphabet
scrawling portents.

You sneeze. (And now an emphatic verb - excellent)
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something. (Not to keen on this line)

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors. (Nice last line)

==========================================================================================

revision3

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
crows caw in flight,
an alphabet
scrawling portents.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something.

======================================================================
revision2

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
keening the forest.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silenced pines.

And now this ink,
corvus in flight,
an alphabet
worded to omen.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
at something.

=====================================================================


revision

Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
keening the forest.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light
fingering the stack
of silent pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.



===========================================================================

original


Late last evening,
through our valley,
a banshee of rain
soaked earth, tree and us.

Early this morning,
a claw of red light,
the spiders web
beneath the pines.

You sneeze.
I exist in your frown.
Our labrador barks
at something.

Macavity
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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 18, 2018 3:27 am

The corvid seems an unnecessary fancification, though.
Fair point David.
Ok, we can imagine what he barks at and I guess that's "dynamic poetry" but is it engaging or interesting?
I thought that was an intelligent, coherent, question Ts. I try to avoid taking in salt :)
of silenced pines. (Not sure about 'silenced')
Just fits my experience Tristan. Extremely sad when I see familiar trees stacked and the birds I found in that part of the forest are no longer there. Something about the sway and sound of a pine that connects.

thanks again all

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Joao » Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:58 am

This is very clever, mac. The anticlimax makes it much more interesting, in my opinion. I read the latest version first and it was clear throughout, apart from the 'silenced pines”. Like JJ, I could only see the link with the birds after reading the comments. (It's a great phrase!). Something like the below would've made it much clearer to me:

Early morning,
no birdsong.
Red-light runes
on a stack of silenced pines.

I, for one, did like the corvid alphabet, but does an alphabet scrawl? I would've thought an alphabet is scrawled. Sorry for tampering, but I would've preferred:

And now, this ink in flight,
scrawling portent
in corvid letters

Really enjoyed reading this.

Cheers,
Joao

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Tue Jun 19, 2018 4:08 am

Thanks Joao. I've made a few tweaks in light of your suggestions. There has been a consensus on 'silenced' so I've edited to the simpler 'silent'. I like 'corvid' too, but in the context of the poem's voice it is too fancy. I've shuffled the alphabet lines too.

cheers

mac

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Re: Camping (revision4)

Post by Firebird » Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:45 am

Hi Mac, I much prefer 'silent pines'. S3 is still a bit of an issue for me: it doesn't quite run/make sense (may only be my opinion though).

Cheers,

Tristan


[quote="Macavity"]revision4

Last night the wind
and rain, wailing
through the valley,
kept us awake.

Early morning,
runes of red light
across the stack
of silent pines.

And now this ink,
an alphabet,
crows in flight
scrawling portents.

You sneeze.
No songbird sings.
Our labrador barks
and whines.

Nonsense of course.
Logging happens.
Birds are just birds.
We're not actors.

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