Hymn

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Hymn

Postby Joao » Thu May 03, 2018 12:39 pm

Do not listen to this blubbering curse.
We both know the murky well from which
it springs. Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.

Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning
voice: it’s only wind, pretending
to be song. You can clear up your throat,
now; you can screw up those eyes, musing
muse, I see the trick: roll
up your sleeve, let me smell
once, last, your flowery wrist:
what’s beneath this sprayed-on mist?
What’s beyond those parted lips?
Wipe off that heeding smile,
warm as a painted sunrise, present
as a look at the clock. Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;
let this be our final, fiendish
tryst. I’ll cackle and curse you
like a devil in fiery bliss,
looking up at your tilted hip,
at the heaving valleys of your perfect ribs,
bawling on the floor
like a child denied a treat:
foolish, petty, sordid
and free.
Last edited by Joao on Wed May 09, 2018 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hymn

Postby Macavity » Fri May 04, 2018 4:07 am

hi Joao,
Effective, unnerving tone, apt for the subject matter. It is adjective heavy, but many of those do colour the read. I did get lost in some of syntax, but that may be my sluggish mind! Definitely enjoyed the read.

Do not listen to this blubbering curse.
We both know the murky well from which
it springs. Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.


I like the notion of a blubbering curse. I was a little confused by that last sentence, the thought of mould as fungal matter, but on reflection I read the verb for shaping: the dig was in soggy ground; that the 'idol' will have a muddy mould not a plaster of marble (like the alliteration by the way). Perhaps a comma after 'hole' ? Probably just me!

Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning
voice


Like the emphatic tone of that. I l enjoyed the sonic thread of cracks/clear/tricks/clock/cackle.

Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;


Again like the emphatic dynamic, though perhaps the 'trample me...' is a familiar expression.

hope that help some

best

mac
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Re: Hymn

Postby David » Sat May 05, 2018 3:30 pm

What's going on here, then, Joao? You've been dumped. That's my guess. I'm tempted to say, simply, get over it lad. As a response to that situation - if I haven't got it completely wrong - this is a bit melodramatic, a bit declamatory for my taste. But that's only my taste.

If I've got that completely wrong, I apologise.

Cheers

David
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Re: Hymn

Postby camus » Sat May 05, 2018 11:26 pm

I like its archaic approach, some wonderful language and phrases used.

Where it fits in the poetic pantheon, though, i'm not certain?

Cheers
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Re: Hymn

Postby Joao » Wed May 09, 2018 1:36 pm

Thanks for the helpful comments, mac. Glad you've enjoyed it. My answers below.
Macavity wrote:hi Joao,
Effective, unnerving tone, apt for the subject matter. It is adjective heavy, but many of those do colour the read. I did get lost in some of syntax, but that may be my sluggish mind! Definitely enjoyed the read. It is a bit adjective-heavy, you’re right, and I should probably try to simplify syntax.

Do not listen to this blubbering curse.
We both know the murky well from which
it springs. Rise above it as I dig
this soggy hole and mould with mud
an idol meant for marbled wings.


I like the notion of a blubbering curse. I was a little confused by that last sentence, the thought of mould as fungal matter, but on reflection I read the verb for shaping: the dig was in soggy ground; that the 'idol' will have a muddy mould not a plaster of marble (like the alliteration by the way). Perhaps a comma after 'hole' ? Probably just me! It is meant as a verb. I'll add the comma, you're right.

Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning
voice


Like the emphatic tone of that. I l enjoyed the sonic thread of cracks/clear/tricks/clock/cackle. Thanks!

Spit and laugh
at me; trample me under your feet;


Again like the emphatic dynamic, though perhaps the 'trample me...' is a familiar expression. Thanks, I'll think about this.

hope that help some

best

mac
Last edited by Joao on Wed May 09, 2018 1:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Hymn

Postby Joao » Wed May 09, 2018 1:46 pm

Thanks, David. Fortunately, this one is not autobiographical :D . I'm still not sure it's to my taste either. Thanks for your honesty.

David wrote:What's going on here, then, Joao? You've been dumped. That's my guess. I'm tempted to say, simply, get over it lad. As a response to that situation - if I haven't got it completely wrong - this is a bit melodramatic, a bit declamatory for my taste. But that's only my taste.

If I've got that completely wrong, I apologise.

Cheers

David
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Re: Hymn

Postby Joao » Wed May 09, 2018 1:48 pm

Thanks, camus, glad you enjoyed parts of it. It is a bit of a bastard piece, you're right.

camus wrote:I like its archaic approach, some wonderful language and phrases used.

Where it fits in the poetic pantheon, though, i'm not certain?

Cheers
C
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Re: Hymn

Postby Macavity » Thu May 10, 2018 6:42 pm

hi Joao

You may want to consider this ezine for the piece

https://threedropspoetry.co.uk/submissi ... bmissions/

best

mac
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Re: Hymn

Postby Joao » Tue May 15, 2018 11:37 am

Thanks for the tip, mac, I'll have a look.
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