Half a Person

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Half a Person

Postby the stranger » Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:21 am

My father haunts me most days, he’s my Picasso dread.
His face an oblique transcript, upon unsuspecting heads.

Today he was a croupier, dowdy-slick and cool,
Yesterday he was my mother, false teeth, wig an’ all.

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour, down the local hall
Cause bastards get 20% off, council tax an' all.
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Re: Half a Person

Postby Charles » Thu Jan 25, 2018 9:16 pm

Heya Stranger,

I like this poem, read it yesterday and came back to it today and it improves with the digesting.

Not quite sure what is meant by "Picasso dread" - is this some allusion I'm missing, or just an image that doesn't quite work for me. The whole first verse was a bit oblique for me, it makes more sense once you get to the end and it fits together, but not sure you're doing yourself favours by confusing the reader from the get-go.

Was the Smiths reference in the title intentional, or an accident? :lol:

Just my 2p.

Again, really enjoyed.

Thanks,
Charles
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Re: Half a Person

Postby oggiesnr » Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:33 pm

Hi,

Not sure I get the opening allusion either but if you're going there I'd be tempted to make it rhyme so l2 could read "... on an unsuspecting head".

Steve
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Re: Half a Person

Postby David » Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:54 pm

Good stuff - S2 especially.

Wondering about that "upon" in S1, though.

Cheers

David
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Re: Half a Person

Postby the stranger » Fri Jan 26, 2018 11:11 pm

Thanks guys, appreciated.

I shall explain:

Charles:

"Not quite sure what is meant by "Picasso dread"


Take Piccasso's finest cubist moments, then input them upon a head of your own choosing. Then imagine you don't know who your father was, then mix them up, that's basically it.

"Was the Smiths reference in the title intentional, or an accident?"

Oh, totally intentional, glad to meet a fellow fan!

Steve:

Not sure I get the opening allusion either but if you're going there I'd be tempted to make it rhyme so l2 could read "... on an unsuspecting head".


Well no, because the N's "oblique transcripts" transcripted upon a variety of heads, at the end of the day, he doesn't know who his father is, and he projects...

David:

A mere "Upon?" please explain.

Cheers
TS
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Re: Half a Person

Postby fortytwo » Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:55 pm

My father haunts me most days, he’s my Picasso dread.
His face an oblique transcript, upon unsuspecting heads. understand and like this but it scans better with on rather than "upon.

Today he was a croupier, dowdy-slick and cool,
Yesterday he was my mother, false teeth, wig an’ all. Suggest "Yesterday my mother with false teeth, a wig an' all". Scans better

Tomorrow he’ll be my saviour, down the local hall..For the same reason "My saviour tomorrow down at the local hall
Cause bastards get 20% off, council tax an' all. and final suggestion " Because bastards get a discount Council Tax an' all

All these suggested changes are based on maintaining 13 syllable line count and more or less consistent canning. Try reading the lines out loud its a great way to check the rhythm but of course as always TOT.
Sincerely Ft
Control is controlled by its need to control. William S.Burroughs,
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Re: Half a Person

Postby David » Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:30 pm

the stranger wrote:David:

A mere "Upon?" please explain.

Cheers
TS


TS eh? You should start calling yourself The Stranger Eliot.

I just meant that the "upon" stuck out a bit - for me - in "His face an oblique transcript, upon unsuspecting heads" - except that I think I've just got it. Other people are walking around with your father's face on - is that it? I still think "on" might be better.

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