Seal Interlude

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Seal Interlude

Postby camus » Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:23 am

Whilst breaking apart, we took in the seals.
Drove coastal in search of harsh weathered
Worship; a desolate departure from desolation.

Each eloquent in our comprehension of loss,
Each finding new ways to love – too late.
Your artless recognition of magpies, my

LAND AHOY – just diminishing connections,
Last-ditch attempts to conceal the congealed,
To expand our poor map reading skills.

At Donna Nook the seals harped
As the caustic Northern winds disguised our tears,
And fat pups used their black-holed eyes as shields.

Thick skins are required to stay – we left.
Me - with thoughts of axes in soft pink flesh,
You - of cradles and of baby seal knitwear.
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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby David » Fri Feb 02, 2018 6:10 pm

The end of a relationship - all dregs and lees. Bleak - the weather and the spirit.

Is "a desolate departure from desolation" overdoing the d's? It seems to break the tone of the poem a bit. See also "conceal the congealed". You'll be beginning the beguine next. (Never a bad thing to do.)

"Your artless recognition of magpies" is excellent, as is the "LAND AHOY". These details anchor the thing in truth (it seems to me).

I'm sure I've been to Donna Nook in your poems before. Oh okay, I'll google it.

"And fat pups used their black-holed eyes as shields" - not sure I'm quite getting that.

And "Thick skins are required to stay – we left" is excellent too. Nice contrast in the last two lines, but the image you use for your thoughts is a troubling one. Rightly so, I suppose.

Just - finally - wondering whether interlude is the right word. More of an ending?

Still, good (if that's the word) bleak stuff. I'd like to think you're now living happily ever after. And her too.

Cheers

David
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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby Pauline » Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:10 pm

Sorry Cam, but this is a little too wordy for me.
As it’s in a relaxed format you could easily ( I say that with a tongue in cheek)
shave away the unnecessary ‘s and get straight to the point.
I feel it would deliver a stronger, more personal piece.
I’m crap at explaining what I mean,
especially when I don’t fully grasp the story .
I will offer you my thoughts in good spirit and hope you will receive them and respond the same way.
Here we go.

We drove the coastal road in search of seals.
Our last ditch attempt to find new ways to love
and conceal our diminishing connection.

Donna Nook offered fat pup seals with black
holed eyes and caustic winds to disguise tears
shed for too late recognition of magpies and land ahoy.

:wink:

Depends how you want to deliver your message.
Yours is neither serious nor flippant.
It's up to you.
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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby Macavity » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:07 pm

I like it lots.

Is "a desolate departure from desolation" overdoing the d's? It seems to break the tone of the poem a bit. See also "conceal the congealed".

"Your artless recognition of magpies" is excellent, as is the "LAND AHOY".


Agree with all of that.

best

mac
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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby oggiesnr » Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:04 am

I found it really difficult to get into this one. Once there I found much to enjoy.

The one line that grated with me was - "At Donna Nook the seals harped" . Couple of reasons, the allusion seems really forced and the seals at Donna Nook are grey seals, not harp seals. Okay I accept thatthat last point is probably the inner pedant in me but as a detail it detracted from the poem for me.

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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby fortytwo » Sat Feb 10, 2018 12:13 am

This is an impressive piece in my opinion. As the fabric salesman said..”feel the width”! It has a maturity and competence that I find so refreshing . Mostly unaffected in style, inevitably my judgement revolves around personal preference and, I have to confess, the limitations of my comprehension. The setting and activity is perfect for the emotional conflict being portrayed and very nice subtle references throughout. Almost immediately as the reader I cared, you pulled me in. A few concerns, I recognise the significance of the final stanza in emphasising the difference in character and outlook between N and subject and I know you seek impact I’m not keen on the “axe pink flesh reference”, for me it’s a depart from subtlety, even a touch ott.
Perhaps a few more reads will clarify but “pup eyes” and “magpie” references don’t register that well. Assuming the magpie reference is “one for sorrow” etc if part of some conversation between N and subject I find it too isolated and unconnected.
I do not wish, however, to give this critique an undue emphasis on any negative aspects I might think exist because, as previously stated, I find the work impressive and enjoyable of its kind.
Thank you for it. Ft
Control is controlled by its need to control. William S.Burroughs,
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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby Jackie » Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:23 pm

I agree with David's
Is "a desolate departure from desolation" overdoing the d's? It seems to break the tone of the poem a bit. See also "conceal the congealed". You'll be beginning the beguine next. (Never a bad thing to do.)

"Your artless recognition of magpies" is excellent, as is the "LAND AHOY".


Very much enjoyed—I can see the sky and the waves, too. I had the feeling throughout, though, that if you'd written it in the present rather than the past tense I wouldn't be searching for a happy ending (because I'm there).

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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby JJWilliamson » Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:12 pm

I think it's one of the most moving poems I've ever read. The reflective melancholy and sad acquiescence is palpable.
Some interesting comments for revisions, I see. Perhaps simply drop 'desolate' from that line David and mac mentioned.
I thought the seal shields were those astonishingly beautiful, sad and helpless eyes acting as a defence against the brutal, killer blow.
"How could you hurt one so vulnerable and innocent and sad".

Best

JJ
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Re: Seal Interlude

Postby camus » Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:00 pm

Thanks guys, some great feedback, really appreciated.

David:

You'll be beginning the beguine next.


Ha! You're right of course, the alliteration police have been informed. I shall tone down some.

Just - finally - wondering whether interlude is the right word. More of an ending?


You got me thinking! Then, NO! "an intervening period of time; an interval." Depends on how you place the poem, take the first line as Gospel: "Whilst breaking apart, we took in the seals" in the here and now? Maybe my tenses are messed up (See Jackie's Comment)

Pauline:

especially when I don’t fully grasp the story.


Well that is a failing on my part I guess. "This a local poem for local people, we'll have no strangers here..." No, there are elements that would be hard to follow, I agree. Personally I do like having to dig into a poem, I enjoy obscure references, places etc... Certainly received in good spirit though!

Mac:

As per David, the alliteration over-indulgence shall be attended to. Thanks.

Steve:

It's all in the details. So that's a very fair point. I'd say all seals "Harp" as a general rule, it's their thing, their sound regardless of breed or type, BUT I may be wrong? I'll look into it. Cheers.

FT:

That's the kind of feedback one ultimately hopes for, so thank you for taking the time.

Almost immediately as the reader I cared, you pulled me in


Good.

I recognise the significance of the final stanza in emphasising the difference in character and outlook between N and subject and I know you seek impact I’m not keen on the “axe pink flesh reference”, for me it’s a depart from subtlety, even a touch ott.


I agree. It was at the time emotively motivated, which was wrong, which is always wrong! I'll have a re-think.

Jackie:

I had the feeling throughout, though, that if you'd written it in the present rather than the past tense I wouldn't be searching for a happy ending (because I'm there).


A very good point, alas it couldn't be done!

JJ:

I think it's one of the most moving poems I've ever read


Thank you so much for that comment.

I thought the seal shields were those astonishingly beautiful, sad and helpless eyes acting as a defence against the brutal, killer blow.


That was indeed the intention. It's great when a line is perceived as it should be.

Anyhow, stuff to work on, many thanks.

Camooooo.
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