Torc (revision3)

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Torc (revision3)

Postby Macavity » Sat Nov 25, 2017 11:15 am

revision 3

Those gleaming pools of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.
Perhaps that lace of runes across her back
opens a book, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross last year in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls within her mind - I'd burn
but I'm married. We dig. For love, I find.

=====================================================================


revision2

Those gleaming pools of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.
Perhaps that lace of runes across her back
reveals a map, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross buried in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls within her mind - I'd burn
but I'm married. I dig, for love, to find.




revision

Those puddled eyes of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled soul.
Perhaps that map of runes across her back
opens a book, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross buried in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls within her mind - I'd crackle black
but I'm married. I dig. Always, I find.

===================================================================

original

Those puddled eyes of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.
Perhaps the lace of runes across her back
opens a book, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross last year, a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Within her mind those scrolls I'd crackle black
but I'm married. I dig. Always, I find.
Last edited by Macavity on Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:12 am, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: Brooch

Postby Luce » Sat Nov 25, 2017 11:42 pm

Macavity wrote:Those puddled eyes of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.
Perhaps the lace of runes across her back
opens a book, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross last year, a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Within her mind those scrolls I'd crackle black
but I'm married. I dig. Always, I find.


Oh mac I'm pretty confused as to what is going on here. :? Can't seem to piece it together. I can only follow the first two lines of the 2nd stanza. Then you throw me a curve ball with the "but I'm married" line.

Sorry, I know my crit isn't helping at all. I'll definitely keep tabs on this and hope someone can see the poem a lot clearer than me. Right now, it's as clear as "those puddled eyes of mud" the N refers to in the opening line. :)

Luce
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Re: Brooch (revised)

Postby Macavity » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:16 am

it's as clear as "those puddled eyes of mud" the N refers to in the opening line


:lol: Form reflects the content :)

Yes, some of the syntax is more Wenglish than English. I'll tinker a little.

Thanks for taking a look.

best

mac
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Re: Torc (revised)

Postby Nash » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:00 am

Hello Mac,

Always a pleasure to read one of yours, I like the earthiness of them.

I prefer the original, adding 'buried' in L5 just seems too obvious. I like what you've done with the last two lines in the rewrite though.

I'm wondering if you've over-egged the pudding in the first two lines? I'm all for a bit of internal rhyming but it's verging on a tongue-twister! Also, you've got 'mind' twice in a relatively short poem so you could perhaps afford to rejig L1 and L2 and keep 'mind' in L7 which picks up nicely with 'find' in L8.

Cheers,
Nash.
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Re: Torc (revised)

Postby Macavity » Mon Nov 27, 2017 7:15 pm

Thanks Nash. Always good to see you about. I take your point about the twister, though I wanted a level of judgmental...superficial. Tweaked. Again buried was used for the same reason - plus I quite like buried/married - will ponder some.

all the best

mac

Nash wrote:Hello Mac,

Always a pleasure to read one of yours, I like the earthiness of them.

I prefer the original, adding 'buried' in L5 just seems too obvious. I like what you've done with the last two lines in the rewrite though.

I'm wondering if you've over-egged the pudding in the first two lines? I'm all for a bit of internal rhyming but it's verging on a tongue-twister! Also, you've got 'mind' twice in a relatively short poem so you could perhaps afford to rejig L1 and L2 and keep 'mind' in L7 which picks up nicely with 'find' in L8.

Cheers,
Nash.
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Re: Torc (revision2)

Postby Charles » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:39 pm

I enjoyed reading this but like luce I'm not sure what's going on... :?

But I'm enjoying the mystery. Some good imagery even if it does "muddle my mind"...

What I'm getting is a poem about an attraction to a young woman? "kneels her to dig" is interesting.

EDIT: I actually missed the title. I just started reading from "revision2".

Once I'd googled what a torc was it made much more sense. :lol:

Good imagery. I'm guessing now it's about going round with a metal detector digging for stuff? Though I think the erotic overtones and the implication of the hobby being like an illicit affair are intentional? Good poem.
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Re: Torc (revision3)

Postby Macavity » Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:48 am

Apologies for my late response Charles. It has been a struggle this one because it all made sense to me :) I think in clarifying I've lost the poetry. One to put away and return to at a later date.

all the best

mac
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