Future England

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Future England

Postby David Smedley » Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:17 pm

Everything toppled or toppling:
angel's head of shattered stone,
chiselled hair close shorn
and adorned with yellow lichen.

Shadows from headstones
lay atop one another
like toppled dominoes. Her wings
roped and dragged through thigh

high grass to a lightning struck
tree and mounted there; fallen;
spray painted on the over-mantle

of feathers. Hands, arms, torso and feet
never come to light, crushed to powder.
Inherent now, another layer in the strata.


ii Fanfare.

Men will pitch up with barrel organs
to play for days at the intersections
where barricades later go up.
Posters quoting Shakespeare appear

on walls, "Our doubts are traitors
and make us lose the good
we oft might win by fearing to attempt."
His face stares down from thousands

of gable ends.The red, white and blue
never flies, too ingrained still, as a symbol
of evil in the indoctrinated masses.

Sunrise over a forest of oak, all their heads
swished by wind, a conclave of kings whispering
"this is England."
Last edited by David Smedley on Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:12 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Future England

Postby Luce » Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:12 am

David - I love the title. It definitely threw me in. I like how you used the fallen statute to hint at something more than broken stone.

I like the expert use of the setting which again infers something more than just death. The rope around the wings, the dragging of the statute on the grass and leaving it in a tree uncomfortably reminds me of a lynching, in a good way, if something like a lynching can ever be viewed as a good thing.

However, there was some minor stuff I could of done without. Nothing major though. See below.

Luce


David Smedley wrote:Everything toppled or toppling:
angel's head of shattered stone,
chiselled hair close shorn
and adorned with yellow lichen.

Maybe say "toppled" or "toppling" but not both. I'd say "toppled". Better yet, I'd switch this to the present tense, if possible. See how it sounds in that tense. However, it is not a deal breaker if you leave it in the past tense.

I don't know if I would make the angel's head "shattered stone" because if it's shattered than it's gone really. Maybe describe some of its features as shattered/smashed only like the nose, chin, mouth, etc. Do like the image of the chiseled hair "close shorn".. It makes me think of women, whose hair were cut short or shaved because they consorted with the enemy. It's another example of "mob justice" and gives a fitting foreboding feel to the piece,


Shadows from headstones
laid atop one another
like toppled dominoes.
Her wings
roped and dragged through thigh

I'd delete the lines as shown above which contains a moth eaten cliché. You don't need it really and it takes away from the powerful image of the wings being roped and dragged through the high grass

high grass to a lightning struck
tree and mounted there; fallen;
spray painted on the over-mantle

Perhaps describe the tree rather than tell us it has been struck by lightning. I think something stronger than "mounted" like "strapped, hanged, thrust or jammed", etc.

of feathers. Hands, arms, torso and feet
never come to light, crushed to powderInherent now, another layer in the strata
.

I'd make the "fallen/spray painted on the over-mantel of feathers". the last line instead. It's a powerful image and it goes back to your title in a cool way.

Luce


Last edited by Luce on Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Future England

Postby David Smedley » Sun Nov 26, 2017 5:17 pm

Luce, thanks for the work you put in here. Will be adding to this piece. David.

PS.
You said. "I'd delete the lines as shown above which contains a moth eaten cliché.


I agree the cliché is there, but what you have not taken into account is whether the cliche here has been used in a different enough way to merit that use, I would argue that it was, and that is why I used it.
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Re: Future England

Postby fortytwo » Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:03 am

I love the theme which I think you have explored with imagination and flare. Some may differ in regard to bits of the language used but your individuality is here to be rightly celebrated. Keep writing
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Re: Future England

Postby Luce » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:22 am

David Smedley wrote:Luce, thanks for the work you put in here. Will be adding to this piece. David.

PS.
You said. "I'd delete the lines as shown above which contains a moth eaten cliché.


I agree the cliché is there, but what you have not taken into account is whether the cliche here has been used in a different enough way to merit that use, I would argue that it was, and that is why I used it.


I noted how you' were using the cliché to describe the shadows on the headstones. I just felt that it took away from the impact of the strong image that immediately followed it. However, it's not a big deal breaker if you want to keep it.

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Re: Future England

Postby David Smedley » Thu Nov 30, 2017 4:10 pm

Fortytwo, thanks for your view.

Luce, thank you for returning to give further thought to this.

David.
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Re: Future England

Postby ray miller » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:20 pm

I enjoyed Fanfare more than the first one, mostly because I found it easier to follow.

David Smedley wrote:Everything toppled or toppling: - toppled gets repeated in line 7, which is, er, repetitive
angel's head of shattered stone,
chiselled hair close shorn - I like this line, I can see that
and adorned with yellow lichen.

Shadows from headstones
lay atop one another - I like the image of shadows lying on top of each other
like toppled dominoes. Her wings
roped and dragged through thigh - I can see the attraction of the enjambment on this and the following line. Interrupts the flow, though. Still, you pays your money...

high grass to a lightning struck
tree and mounted there; fallen; - the semicolon after fallen seems misplaced
spray painted on the over-mantle

of feathers. Hands, arms, torso and feet
never come to light, crushed to powder.
Inherent now, another layer in the strata. - I don't really get the last stanza


ii Fanfare.

Men will pitch up with barrel organs
to play for days at the intersections
where barricades later go up.
Posters quoting Shakespeare appear

on walls, "Our doubts are traitors - it's an apt quote
and make us lose the good
we oft might win by fearing to attempt."
His face stares down from thousands - Hmmm, I must say Shakespeare idolised by the indoctrinated masses sounds unlikely!

of gable ends.The red, white and blue
never flies, too ingrained still, as a symbol
of evil in the indoctrinated masses. - I have to say I don't know what point you're trying to make here. Unless England has gone it alone and the UK has dissolved. Is that it?

Sunrise over a forest of oak, all their heads
swished by wind, a conclave of kings whispering
"this is England."
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Future England

Postby David Smedley » Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:46 pm

Ray said.
I have to say I don't know what point you're trying to make here. Unless England has gone it alone and the UK has dissolved. Is that it?


I think England (and not only England) will be changed irrevocably through migration, whether for good or bad. I am one of those too that think this change will lead (even more than now) to internal strife. Far fetched? Not if you look five moves ahead!

I will be adding to this piece (at leisure) when the mind throws up what it is cogitating.

David
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Re: Future England

Postby ray miller » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:10 pm

Five moves ahead! You're not one of those bloody Russian chess players, are you?
I'm one of those more concerned about over-population than migration, per se. Which is to say there's plenty of white people with a huge sense of entitlement in this country I wouldn't mind seeing the back of. Happy days are here again.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Future England

Postby Luce » Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:44 am

David Smedley wrote:Everything toppled or toppling:
angel's head of shattered stone,
chiselled hair close shorn
and adorned with yellow lichen.

Shadows from headstones
lay atop one another
like toppled dominoes. Her wings
roped and dragged through thigh

high grass to a lightning struck
tree and mounted there; fallen;
spray painted on the over-mantle

of feathers. Hands, arms, torso and feet
never come to light, crushed to powder.
Inherent now, another layer in the strata.


ii Fanfare.

Men will pitch up with barrel organs
to play for days at the intersections
where barricades later go up.
Posters quoting Shakespeare appear

on walls, "Our doubts are traitors
and make us lose the good
we oft might win by fearing to attempt."
His face stares down from thousands

of gable ends.The red, white and blue
never flies, too ingrained still, as a symbol
of evil in the indoctrinated masses.

Sunrise over a forest of oak, all their heads
swished by wind, a conclave of kings whispering
"this is England."


David - did you add to this after I saw it the first time? I definitely don't remember the lines from "ii fanfare" on down. I usually quote the poem I'm criting to make sure I catch everything. Don't have the lines from "ii fanfare" down.

Luce
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Re: Future England

Postby Charles » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:20 pm

Heya,

Like ray I found the second part easier to follow. Though the imagery of the first part I still found pleasing and came together for me with the second part.

The final image of the forest I particularly enjoyed.

Civil strife, statues being smashed - this is agitant material isn't it? :wink:
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Re: Future England

Postby David Smedley » Thu Dec 07, 2017 2:40 pm

Ray said.
Five moves ahead! You're not one of those bloody Russian chess players, are you?

Hahaha, no! I like to collate a lot of disparate information though and put it together somewhat.

Luce asked.
David - did you add to this after I saw it the first time? I definitely don't remember the lines from "ii fanfare" on down. I usually quote the poem I'm criting to make sure I catch everything. Don't have the lines from "ii fanfare" down.


Yes Luce I added to it, I did mention I might in my first reply. I will be adding to this again .

Thanks Charles.
You said.
this is agitant material isn't it?
Only if you care, hahaha. I like satire.

David.
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Re: Future England

Postby Luce » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:15 pm

David Smedley wrote:Everything toppled or toppling:
angel's head of shattered stone,
chiselled hair close shorn
and adorned with yellow lichen.

Shadows from headstones
lay atop one another
like toppled dominoes. Her wings
roped and dragged through thigh

high grass to a lightning struck
tree and mounted there; fallen;
spray painted on the over-mantle

of feathers. Hands, arms, torso and feet
never come to light, crushed to powder.
Inherent now, another layer in the strata.


ii Fanfare.

Men will pitch up with barrel organs
to play for days at the intersections
where barricades later go up.
Posters quoting Shakespeare appear

on walls, "Our doubts are traitors
and make us lose the good
we oft might win by fearing to attempt."
His face stares down from thousands

of gable ends.The red, white and blue
never flies, too ingrained still, as a symbol
of evil in the indoctrinated masses.

Sunrise over a forest of oak, all their heads
swished by wind, a conclave of kings whispering
"this is England."


My apologies for not having commented on the revision sooner. I usually look for the usual way a revision is presented. This involves indicating on the title bar that a revision was done beside having the revision on top of the original. I'm anal that way.

I see you changed the title. I preferred the original one "Fallen England". I also liked it from the first line to the ending line of ..."another layer in the strata" only. Below that line it sounds like a rant.

I just think the images were clearer and not so one dimensional as the second half of the poem.

I've seen toppled, filthy and smashed statues in neglected graveyards, fountains and parks. They usually reflect a particular era/belief that some people remember with longing and some do not. When I read the first half of your poem, I thought of these statutes. One statue I particularly remember depicted a very strapping, naked Hercules (representing civic virtue) trampling vice and corruption underfoot. Vice and corruption were represented by women statues. Very sexist to say the least. As you can imagine,it wasn't a popular statue. Eventually the statue offended enough people (for different reasons-some hilarious) that it was moved twice. Right now it is in a Brooklyn cemetery.

Luce
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Re: Future England

Postby David Smedley » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:05 pm

Hiya Luce, this is not a revision, this is an addition to poem 1, donated by the two ii' against its start. Separate but indivisible to poem one, both are under the title, "Future England."

ps. I would like to see that statue if you have any photo's that could be uploaded. I too like those graveyard statues.

David.
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Re: Future England

Postby Luce » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:37 pm

David Smedley wrote:Hiya Luce, this is not a revision, this is an addition to poem 1, donated by the two ii' against its start. Separate but indivisible to poem one, both are under the title, "Future England."

ps. I would like to see that statue if you have any photo's that could be uploaded. I too like those graveyard statues.

David.


Sorry David,

I just can't figure out how to put the image in the post here. However, if you put "Triumph of Civic Virtue, Queens, New York" in your search engine, I'm sure it will pop up.

Luce
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Re: Future England

Postby David Smedley » Fri Dec 15, 2017 9:57 pm

It came up!! a short story too on You Tube gave me all the background. Loved the statue. Thanks David.
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