Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision II

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.

Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision II

Postby Luce » Sat Oct 07, 2017 2:22 pm

Bonds - Revision II

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where Millie, his wife, came out
with a black dented pot.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothin' but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Then she cried, all bent and slouched.

Bonds - Revision

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where Millie, his wife, came out
with a black dented pot.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothin' but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was wet with tear drops.

Bonds

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where his wife Millie came out
with a charred dented pot.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothing but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was scored by tear drops.

Luce
Last edited by Luce on Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 650
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am
Location: Not so sunny Florida

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza)

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:05 pm

     
New form to me Luce,
but I like what you've done.
Viewed as three three line stanzas (which would make for a better presentation):
stanzas 1 and 2 work, but L.3 of S3, where the rhyme breaks down, does not.
Some suggestions,
given it's conversational tone (which I like), would L.2 work as
we drove back to his spread ?
and L.3 as
where Millie, his wife, came out ? (better rhythm I think)
a thought for the final line;
Her face full of tears/fear and doubt

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 427
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza)

Postby Luce » Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:07 pm

Thanks for the suggestions Not. Good points, as always. :D Can't use the last line though. The end rhyme on L9 has to match with the end rhyme on L4. I know, I know - "pot/out" - is similar in sound. The word "doubt" could work as an off rhyme for "pot" easily. However, in this case, I'm going for a perfect rhyme for L4/L9 to make it as distinct a link as I can. Also, I want to show Millie's regret and sorrow on having such a mate - not fear or doubt.

Truth be told, I'm not very happy with the ending line and so I'm trying another approach to it.

Revision up.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 650
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am
Location: Not so sunny Florida

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

Postby NotQuiteSure » Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:29 pm

     
Hi Luce,
I think my rhymes are based on my accent, not yours,
so you're wise to treat them with caution
That said, and wondering if you're not cleaving too close to 'pot'.
Luce wrote:I want to show Millie's regret and sorrow on having such a mate

I take your point, but regret for the past would not seem too dissimilar
to fears for the future (both originating in a similar pace).
Also, 'whacked' has some cartoonish connotations (whilst 'struck' or 'slapped' does not)
which, I think, rather undercuts any notions of genuine regret/sorrow.

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 427
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

Postby Luce » Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:10 am

NotQuiteSure wrote:     
Hi Luce,
I think my rhymes are based on my accent, not yours, so you're wise to treat them with caution
That said, and wondering if you're not cleaving too close to 'pot'.

Considering the form and the fact that I may have made a mistake choosing two words, as end rhymes, that sound very similar, I think I had no choice but to stick as close to "pot" as I can. Lesson learned.

Luce wrote:I want to show Millie's regret and sorrow on having such a mate

I take your point, but regret for the past would not seem too dissimilar
to fears for the future (both originating in a similar pace).

Beg to differ here. Regret just usually means sadness, opportunity lost or disappointment over something done or not done in the past. It doesn't necessarily involve fear. It may, under certain circumstances, but not usually. Nevertheless, I've decided to make the last line as objective as I can and let the reader decide if the tears are caused by sorrow, anger, etc.

Also, 'whacked' has some cartoonish connotations (whilst 'struck' or 'slapped' does not)
which, I think, rather undercuts any notions of genuine regret/sorrow.

My general purpose was to start the poem in a light vein and then make "a turn" for the end. It's the reason why I chose a pot over a frying pan or a knife, etc. That said, the "turn" may have been done too late to be effective.

The poem was originally suppose to be a light one from beginning to end but I changed my mind about the ending. I wanted to give it a little more substance. It's not unusual too to view an incident that looks comical to onlookers but really reveals a sad set of circumstances.

Oh well, regardless of my intentions, the poem needs a little more work if I have to explain it all.

Thanks for the feedback on this one Not - and sticking with it.

Luce.


Regards, Not.
     
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 650
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am
Location: Not so sunny Florida

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

Postby JJWilliamson » Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:40 pm

Hi, Luce

I enjoyed this poem and the form. It's a gud'n.

I'm not au fait with the nuances of the Ballassi stanza and I'm not sure how far it has evolved
but you appear to be sticking close to the form/structure. My own preference would be to split this
into three tercets to accentuate the rhyme scheme rather than disguise its presence. I see the rhyme scheme as
aab ccb ddb. You're using slant and perfect rhyme, which is fine, * head/spread/OUT * pot/stopped/LOUT * same/insane/DROPS *

Your final rhyme has me wondering if I'm missing the point because it seems a bit out of kilter. Could well be me btw, so I'm wide open to
contradiction and guidance. :)

Is the form restricted to three tercets or could you go for more? I thought one more might develop the conclusion. Only a thought.

Luce wrote:Bonds - Revision

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where Millie, his wife, came out
with a black dented pot. ...Hints at a much used weapon of choice.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothin' but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was wet with tear drops. ...Is this regret over her actions. Kind o' slapped him then felt sorry because deep down she loved him?


Short and sweet.

Best

JJ

Bonds

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where his wife Millie came out
with a charred dented pot.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothing but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was scored by tear drops.

Luce
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2111
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

Postby JJWilliamson » Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:43 pm

Hi, Luce

I enjoyed this poem and the form. It's a gud'n.

I'm not au fait with the nuances of the Ballassi stanza and I'm not sure how far it has evolved
but you appear to be sticking close to the form/structure. My own preference would be to split this
into three tercets to accentuate the rhyme scheme rather than disguise its presence. I see the rhyme scheme as
aab ccb ddb, unless you attribute the letter 'a' to the dominant rhyme. You're using slant and perfect rhyme, which is fine,

* head/spread/OUT * pot/stopped/LOUT * same/insane/DROPS *

Your final rhyme has me wondering if I'm missing the point because it seems a bit out of kilter. Could well be me btw, so I'm wide open to
contradiction and guidance. :)

Is the form restricted to three tercets or could you go for more? I thought one more might develop the conclusion. Only a thought.

Luce wrote:Bonds - Revision

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where Millie, his wife, came out
with a black dented pot. ...Hints at a much used weapon of choice.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothin' but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was wet with tear drops. ...Is this regret over her actions. Kind o' slapped him then felt sorry because deep down she loved him?


Short and sweet.

Best

JJ

Bonds

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where his wife Millie came out
with a charred dented pot.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothing but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was scored by tear drops.

Luce
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2111
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

Postby sleepystupid » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:05 am

hi luce (and others), im new around here (:
and already learning things! had to Google that stanza form..

that being said, i really liked the turning of the playful into hurtful in the last line. it felt like a scene all too familiar to her: the goofy, incorrigible husband is at it again! but for her it's another reinforcement of the unfortunate life she will forever live.
sleepystupid
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 6:37 am

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

Postby Luce » Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:39 am

JJ & SS -sorry for the late thank you's.


JJWilliamson wrote:Hi, Luce

I enjoyed this poem and the form. It's a gud'n.

Is the form restricted to three tercets or could you go for more? I thought one more might develop the conclusion. Only a thought.

The form isn't restricted to just six lines. It can go on forever.

I'm not au fait with the nuances of the Ballassi stanza and I'm not sure how far it has evolved
but you appear to be sticking close to the form/structure. My own preference would be to split this
into three tercets to accentuate the rhyme scheme rather than disguise its presence. I see the rhyme scheme as
aab ccb ddb, unless you attribute the letter 'a' to the dominant rhyme. You're using slant and perfect rhyme, which is fine,

* head/spread/OUT * pot/stopped/LOUT * same/insane/DROPS *

Your final rhyme has me wondering if I'm missing the point because it seems a bit out of kilter. Could well be me btw, so I'm wide open to contradiction and guidance. :)

WOW!!! Thanks for noticing that the last end rhyme was out of kilter. Good reason for that, I goofed up the last end rhyme. The pattern should of been aad bbd ccd. Therefore the end rhyme was suppose to match with out/lout and not pot/stopped. Will be correcting this in Revision II.


Luce wrote:Bonds - Revision

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where Millie, his wife, came out
with a black dented pot. ...Hints at a much used weapon of choice.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothin' but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was wet with tear drops. ...Is this regret over her actions. Kind o' slapped him then felt sorry because deep down she loved him?


Short and sweet.

Best

JJ

Bonds

The rum went to his head.
We drove him to his spread
where his wife Millie came out
with a charred dented pot.
She whacked him twice, then stopped.
“He aint nothing but a lout
but he’s mine all the same.
Hell, call us both insane."
Her face was scored by tear drops.

Luce
sleepystupid wrote:hi luce (and others), im new around here (:
and already learning things! had to Google that stanza form..

that being said, i really liked the turning of the playful into hurtful in the last line. it felt like a scene all too familiar to her: the goofy, incorrigible husband is at it again! but for her it's another reinforcement of the unfortunate life she will forever live.


I'm glad you like the turn SS. Yes, you can learn a great deal here. Looking forward to reading your work in the near future.

Luce

"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 650
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am
Location: Not so sunny Florida


Return to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group