Astonishment

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Astonishment

Postby Lou » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:25 am

Eyes dilated, glistening,
a face fixed in astonished stare,
black pupils round with puzzlement
****** at death appearing there.

I cover up the eyes, I cannot
bear to think of that last stare,
and that last breath, the wondering
****** at why I wasn’t there.
Lou
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Re: Astonishment

Postby NotQuiteSure » Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:45 pm

     
Lou,
a strong second stanza, not too sure about the first though.
Opening line grabs, but then it's a bit 'telly' (when would pupils not be round?),
plus 'astonished', echoing the title, doesn't add anything.
Do you really lose anything by not having S1?
A small suggestion, 'asking/questioning' for 'wondering' (to make use of 'breath')?

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Astonishment

Postby Lou » Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:03 am

Thanks Not,

All stories need some kind of exposition. The old canard of 'Show not tell' doesn't hold up any longer: try telling a child a bedtime story using only 'show' without the 'tell - you'll be up all night.
It's the enlarged black roundness of the pupil which gives the surprised look, I thought it important to state this.
I agree with you about the title - something else would be better.

Best,
Lou
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Re: Astonishment

Postby Macavity » Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:06 am

hi Lou

You have a lean, unfussy writing style that is to my taste. Again 'enjoyed' the write. Obviously, the avoidance of gender is intentional, but maybe 'those eyes' would be more connective, though perhaps 'the eyes' is to establish distancing. The bind of repetitions was effective and relevant in the haunting context.

best

mac
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Re: Astonishment

Postby Lou » Fri Sep 15, 2017 7:34 am

Thanks mac,

I'll think about 'those' eyes. I did want to distance myself from the corpse - it's no longer male or female, it's dead, the spirit has gone.

Best,
Lou
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Re: Astonishment

Postby Luce » Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:59 pm

My condolences if this was a recent occurrence for you Lou. Not easy seeing a love one in this way.

Luce



Lou wrote:Eyes dilated, glistening,
a face fixed in astonished stare,
black pupils round with puzzlement
****** at death appearing there.

I think I would have liked to see other parts of the face showing puzzlement rather than concentrating on the eyes mainly.

I cover up the eyes, I cannot

Rather than saying "cover the eyes" describe what the N really did. Did the N actually close the eyelids, put a sheet over the face...?

bear to think of that last stare,
and that last breath, the wondering
****** at why I wasn’t there.

Was it the "stare" or the "last thought" of the loved one that the N couldn't bear?

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
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