Passing Through (ghazal) [revised]

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.

Passing Through (ghazal) [revised]

Postby JJWilliamson » Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:02 pm

There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone.
Clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone.

The glaciers had carved a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone.

The music of tennis courts attracts romantics
who never want to find themselves alone.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone.

Waterfalls and winterbournes expire with the drought
and for one brief moment, find they are alone.

The wandering pilgrim always understands
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone.


Original

There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone;
the clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone.

The glaciers had forged a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone.

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone.

The wandering pilgrim always understands
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone.
Last edited by JJWilliamson on Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2061
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Firebird » Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:31 pm

For me, this isn't quite working. Yes the form is correct, as I'd expect from you. Some specific comments below.

JJWilliamson wrote:There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone;
the clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone. (Why say 'I sat alone' again, other than to achieve the form?)

The glaciers had forged a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone. (Why is this meaningful? Are you talking about how we are isolated when placed in the context of geological time?)

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone. (Yes, a sense of isolation)

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics (Do they? That's not my experience)
who never want to find themselves alone. (Maybe)

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone. (So you want to be alone)

The wandering pilgrim always understands (So you are the wandering pilgrim?)
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone. (I'm not sure leaves feel anything, do they? And if they do, why would you understanding it?)
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1096
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 04, 2017 7:38 am

Thanks, Tristan, for the thorough critique and questions. Appreciated.

Ghazals are actually quite new to me, from a writing pov, and this one is a slightly revised version of the one I posted
during the April NaPoWriMo; so, your comments are especially useful.

I'll try to explain where I'm coming from and how things progress in this string of seemingly disconnected couplets.

I believe the ghazal provides a door to the emotional identity of the writer if he/she sticks to the self-referential musings
associated with the form. Each couplet is structurally and emotionally independent yet linked through a common theme
of awareness. This manifests itself, or is meant to, as a series of percipient, reflective and/or contemplative impressions.
Melancholy is expressed by a longing for something other than loneliness, as the speaker observes and presumes from
a self-indulgent perspective. How much of this can be picked up by the reader is debatable, or not, as the case may be.
Further to this, a contradiction exists, a contradiction of emotions where the speaker examines the sadness AND joy of aloneness,
expressed through a pensive or wistful closing couplet. NOW! Can the reader glean all of this from my poem? I doubt it, but it's there. :)

This ghazal is metered, but not obsessively so, with some lines carrying varying numbers of syllables and stresses, although it
generally follows a pattern of iambic pentameter. (substitutions included)

Firebird wrote:For me, this isn't quite working. Yes the form is correct, as I'd expect from you. Some specific comments below.

JJWilliamson wrote:There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone;
the clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone. (Why say 'I sat alone' again, other than to achieve the form?) ...They are showing the differences associated with aloneness. In L1 the speaker states he is simply alone by the meadows. In L2 he identifies how the groups (plural) of clouds and ramblers extend his awareness of his solitariness. The form also demands it. :)

S1 also opens with a few pointers towards the romantic movement with clouds, Grasmere, meadows and personal feelings.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau -- "Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains."


The glaciers had forged a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone. (Why is this meaningful? Are you talking about how we are isolated when placed in the context of geological time?) ...The Lake District mountains and lakes were formed by volcanism and glaciation. One of the ways a glacier moves is by basal slip, where it almost floats down the valley, bulldozing through everything in its path. The various moraines contribute to this merciless attrition. The speaker has no such power and is insignificant by comparison. He is overawed by the magnitude of everything and his aloneness is emphasised by this revelation, an allusion to Wordsworth. That's the general idea.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone. (Yes, a sense of isolation) ...And a sense of mounting frustration.

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics (Do they? That's not my experience) ...I'm playing with words here, moving from the romantic ideals of liberation and free expression of emotions, to romance. My rugby & tennis club memories include the odd romantic interlude. :) I played rugby for Westoe RFC rugby union club. It was also a keen supporter of lawn tennis, hockey and cricket. With that in mind, tell me you disagree now. :D
who never want to find themselves alone. (Maybe) ...Yes, it's an unsupported assertion.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone. (So you want to be alone) ...Yes and no. Should I or shouldn't I. It's a bit like thinking twice before saying or doing nothing.

The wandering pilgrim always understands (So you are the wandering pilgrim?) ...Yes, physically and metaphorically. Someone who is a bit lost.
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone. (I'm not sure leaves feel anything, do they? And if they do, why would you understanding it?) ...No, the leaves are quite dead. It reflects on S1 with a leaf being one among many. I'm also being a little self-indulgent by referencing one of my own poems. (Don't shoot!) "and there I stood, alone, beside the crowds" Each leaf is surrounded by thousands of falling leaves yet they are utterly alone. This is a melancholic close which alludes to the passing of time and our certain ultimate demise.


So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm presenting a kind of metaphysical experience, one that represents confusion as the mind attempts to make sense of it all.

I know I've "explained" the poem, and that could well be representative of its weaknesses.

Thanks again for the illuminating critique.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2061
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby oggiesnr » Tue Jul 04, 2017 8:21 am

I like the idea, I think the weakness is in the setting.

Grasmere meadows and that area up the fells is where I would go to be alone. Now it may be that there is a context (was he last there with a lost love) that would make everything fall into place but without that context it doesn't work for me. Put the setting on a bench in a city centre then, whilst the meaning be different to that which you intend, the poem would have a stronger context in which to work without the explanation you've given.

All the best

Steve
oggiesnr
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 377
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Firebird » Tue Jul 04, 2017 8:59 am

JJWilliamson wrote:Thanks, Tristan, for the thorough critique and questions. Appreciated.

Ghazals are actually quite new to me, from a writing pov, and this one is a slightly revised version of the one I posted
during the April NaPoWriMo; so, your comments are especially useful.

I'll try to explain where I'm coming from and how things progress in this string of seemingly disconnected couplets.

I believe the ghazal provides a door to the emotional identity of the writer if he/she sticks to the self-referential musings
associated with the form. Each couplet is structurally and emotionally independent yet linked through a common theme
of awareness. This manifests itself, or is meant to, as a series of percipient, reflective and/or contemplative impressions.
Melancholy is expressed by a longing for something other than loneliness, as the speaker observes and presumes from
a self-indulgent perspective. How much of this can be picked up by the reader is debatable, or not, as the case may be.
Further to this, a contradiction exists, a contradiction of emotions where the speaker examines the sadness AND joy of aloneness,
expressed through a pensive or wistful closing couplet. NOW! Can the reader glean all of this from my poem? I doubt it, but it's there. :) I think I did gather that much from the poem. The specifics were a problem for me.

This ghazal is metered, but not obsessively so, with some lines carrying varying numbers of syllables and stresses, although it
generally follows a pattern of iambic pentameter. (substitutions included) This was clear

Firebird wrote:For me, this isn't quite working. Yes the form is correct, as I'd expect from you. Some specific comments below.

JJWilliamson wrote:There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone;
the clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone. (Why say 'I sat alone' again, other than to achieve the form?) ...They are showing the differences associated with aloneness. In L1 the speaker states he is simply alone by the meadows. In L2 he identifies how the groups (plural) of clouds and ramblers extend his awareness of his solitariness. The form also demands it. :)

Although subtle, nice distinction.

S1 also opens with a few pointers towards the romantic movement with clouds, Grasmere, meadows and personal feelings.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau -- "Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains."


The glaciers had forged a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone. (Why is this meaningful? Are you talking about how we are isolated when placed in the context of geological time?) ...The Lake District mountains and lakes were formed by volcanism and glaciation. One of the ways a glacier moves is by basal slip, where it almost floats down the valley, bulldozing through everything in its path. The various moraines contribute to this merciless attrition. The speaker has no such power and is insignificant by comparison. He is overawed by the magnitude of everything and his aloneness is emphasised by this revelation, an allusion to Wordsworth. That's the general idea.

I actually really like this idea and think I would have eventually got there with a bit more thought. Very nice.


[color=#0000FF]Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone. (Yes, a sense of isolation) [color=#0000FF]...And a sense of mounting frustration.

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics (Do they? That's not my experience) ...I'm playing with words here, moving from the romantic ideals of liberation and free expression of emotions, to romance. My rugby & tennis club memories include the odd romantic interlude. :) I played rugby for Westoe RFC rugby union club. It was also a keen supporter of lawn tennis, hockey and cricket. With that in mind, tell me you disagree now. :D

I don't want to tell you you are wrong. I still play tennis and have been a member of many clubs and there are some romantics, but most are there for the sport, I'd say. :D

who never want to find themselves alone. (Maybe) ...Yes, it's an unsupported assertion.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone. (So you want to be alone) ...Yes and no. Should I or shouldn't I. It's a bit like thinking twice before saying or doing nothing. [color=#FF0000]Point taken

[/color]The wandering pilgrim always understands (So you are the wandering pilgrim?) ...Yes, physically and metaphorically. Someone who is a bit lost.
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone. (I'm not sure leaves feel anything, do they? And if they do, why would you understanding it?) ...No, the leaves are quite dead. It reflects on S1 with a leaf being one among many. I'm also being a little self-indulgent by referencing one of my own poems. (Don't shoot!) "and there I stood, alone, beside the crowds" Each leaf is surrounded by thousands of falling leaves yet they are utterly alone. This is a melancholic close which alludes to the passing of time and our certain ultimate demise.


I really like your idea of each leaf being completely alone, but they are linked by the tree. I do think this idea would work nicely though, if you cut out the 'leaf feeling alone'. Just use the leaf as an image for loneliness. If you describe this image correctly it will show the reader this loneliness without telling them it.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm presenting a kind of metaphysical experience, one that represents confusion as the mind attempts to make sense of it all.

Yes, it could almost be a metaphysical poem in the of Donne.

I know I've "explained" the poem, and that could well be representative of its weaknesses. It's more likely a problem with my reading

Thanks again for the illuminating critique.

Best

JJ


All my best JJ.

Cheers,

Tristan
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1096
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Lou » Tue Jul 04, 2017 3:31 pm

If this is your first go at a ghazal you've done well to master the scheme. Unfortunately, with that repeated word tolling like a mission bell, it's rather a boring form. I can't help feeling that your subject matter is too introverted. With a ghazal you need material that's flashy and dynamic to make it lift off. I've seen funny ghazals which employ the repeated word to comic effect. Maybe that's the way to go.

Best,
Lou
Lou
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2016 10:07 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Ros » Wed Jul 05, 2017 7:34 am

I like the last couplet a lot. I think perhaps alone is a hard word to use as the repeating one as its sense is pretty forthright and it's hard to do much new with it. Have you tried a ghazal using the rhyming pattern just before the repeating word? It adds a link between the couplets that otherwise should stand alone (as yours do).

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
User avatar
Ros
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 8062
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Antcliff » Wed Jul 05, 2017 10:26 am

Greetings, JJ
I don't know much about ghazals.

Overall, I rather liked it. I thought it both expressed and nicely mocked the feeling of being alone.

Thoughts below...

JJWilliamson wrote:There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone;
the clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone................the use of "alone" plus "clouds" and the location brings Wordsworth in to sit with you. :D

The glaciers had forged a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone............I liked this playful mocking of the Wordworthy situation. Nicely timed. Without something the "alone" would be getting a bit familiar.

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone............................a new world to me.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,....I especially liked the "unaffected gesture".
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone.

The wandering pilgrim always understands...............................why a pilgrim? Am I to think of Pilgrim's Progress? I wonder if there is a section of that book where the hero escapes The Slough of Loneliness or something similar.

how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 6491
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby ray miller » Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:59 am

I think the first, second and last couplets are fine. The moon, spacemen, tennis and rugby seem very random.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 5882
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Macavity » Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:22 pm

I like the last couplet a lot.


Agree with Ros.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone.


Found that quite amusing.

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone.


Tend to agree that the specific experience doesn't anchor the general assertion.

enjoyed

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4024
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Jul 08, 2017 5:43 pm

Thank you very much, folks, for the very useful pointers. Sorry about the tardy response but I've been nipping in and out and have generally been pushed for time.

oggiesnr wrote:I like the idea, I think the weakness is in the setting.

Grasmere meadows and that area up the fells is where I would go to be alone. Now it may be that there is a context (was he last there with a lost love) that would make everything fall into place but without that context it doesn't work for me. Put the setting on a bench in a city centre then, whilst the meaning be different to that which you intend, the poem would have a stronger context in which to work without the explanation you've given. ...

Thanks, Steve, for the suggestions. It's a part of the world I'm very familiar with. That's all really. That and my liking for the Lakes Poets. Some further context could well be the way forward.

All the best

Steve


Thanks again, Tristan. There's probably not enough meat on the bone, so one more couplet, possibly two, with revisions might help. :)

Lou wrote:If this is your first go at a ghazal you've done well to master the scheme. Unfortunately, with that repeated word tolling like a mission bell, it's rather a boring form. I can't help feeling that your subject matter is too introverted. With a ghazal you need material that's flashy and dynamic to make it lift off. I've seen funny ghazals which employ the repeated word to comic effect. Maybe that's the way to go.

Best,
Lou

Yes Lou, it's the first attempt, and I must admit I liked the form, even with the repetitions. Much like villanelles, the repetend should carry a slightly different emphasis to make good use of the monotony. That's the tricky bit, as you rightly point out. I thought about a comedy and might just have a bash. Thanks.
Introverted, contemplative or "pensive" was pretty much what I wanted, but how to draw the reader in. That's the problem. Let me think on it.


Ros wrote:I like the last couplet a lot. I think perhaps alone is a hard word to use as the repeating one as its sense is pretty forthright and it's hard to do much new with it. Have you tried a ghazal using the rhyming pattern just before the repeating word? It adds a link between the couplets that otherwise should stand alone (as yours do).

Ros


That's a good point, Ros; the refrain must carry it's weight to work effectively. I was looking for independent thoughts that were linked by the aloneness as the speaker contemplates passing through life etc. Thanks for mentioning the last couplet. Appreciated.

Antcliff wrote:Greetings, JJ
I don't know much about ghazals.

Overall, I rather liked it. I thought it both expressed and nicely mocked the feeling of being alone. ...Thanks, Seth. Glad the overall effect was working to some extent.

Thoughts below...

JJWilliamson wrote:There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone;
the clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone................the use of "alone" plus "clouds" and the location brings Wordsworth in to sit with you. :D ...GREAT!

The glaciers had forged a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone............I liked this playful mocking of the Wordworthy situation. Nicely timed. Without something the "alone" would be getting a bit familiar. ...Thanks again.

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone............................a new world to me. ...I think this is the weakest couplet, mainly because it's too personal and not necessarily representative.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,....I especially liked the "unaffected gesture". ...Ah, thanks for that.
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone.

The wandering pilgrim always understands...............................why a pilgrim? Am I to think of Pilgrim's Progress? I wonder if there is a section of that book where the hero escapes The Slough of Loneliness or something similar. ...Only in so much that the pilgrim wanders through life reflecting on the point of it all. Sooner or later we end up alone, if only for a short while. Always ending up all alone, when there's so much going on in the world, is also part of the reflective process. The stranger finds himself alone wherever he happens to wander; it's part of being a drifter.

how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone.


ray miller wrote:I think the first, second and last couplets are fine. The moon, spacemen, tennis and rugby seem very random.


Thanks for that, Ray. Yes, I agree with you about the rugby club couplet. I'll revise that section. Thanks.


Macavity wrote:
I like the last couplet a lot.


Agree with Ros. ...Thanks, Mac

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone.


Found that quite amusing. ...Ah, good! I'll keep it. :)

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone.


Tend to agree that the specific experience doesn't anchor the general assertion. ...Yes, a number of people have expressed the same concern. Consider it changed.

enjoyed ...Delighted about that. Cheers.

mac


Thanks again to all for the generous responses.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2061
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby Macavity » Sun Jul 09, 2017 10:48 am

Rugby clubs and tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone............................a new world to me. ...I think this is the weakest couplet, mainly because it's too personal and not necessarily representative.


hi JJ,
If it is personal, keep it, but tweak to connect to the reader? Maybe keep the tennis, and cut the more 'brutal' world of rugby...

The rhythms of tennis courts attract romantics
who never want to find themselves alone


A Betjemin connection :wink:

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4024
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal)

Postby JJWilliamson » Sun Jul 09, 2017 10:58 am

Thanks again, mac

What an excellent suggestion. I really like the introduction of 'rhythms' and the wordplay/possibilities it presents.

definitely something to work with or use. Thanks.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2061
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal) [revised]

Postby JJWilliamson » Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:15 am

After much thought and many a nudge I've condensed the revisions to this version.
I spent an age doing nothing. :)

See what you think.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2061
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Passing Through (ghazal) [revised]

Postby Firebird » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:31 am

Much improved JJ. Some specific comments below.

[quote="JJWilliamson"]There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone.
Clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone.

The glaciers had carved a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone. (This idea still isn't that clear for me)

The music of tennis courts attracts romantics (Is the 'music of tennis' the rhythm of the ball bopping from side to side? A kind of conversation if you like)
who never want to find themselves alone.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone. (Nice two lines. I know the feeling, too.)

Waterfalls and winterbournes expire with the drought (Isn't 'expire' redundant with 'winterbournes' or just a little tautological?)
and for one brief moment, find they are alone.

The wandering pilgrim always understands (Maybe instead of 'understands' how about 'knows'?
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone. (Maybe: how a leaf must feel when it falls alone)

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1096
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Passing Through (ghazal) [revised]

Postby JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:31 am

Thanks for coming back to this one, Tristan, with further comments and questions. Much appreciated.

Firebird wrote:Much improved JJ. Some specific comments below.

JJWilliamson wrote:There, by Grasmere meadows, I sat alone.
Clouds and ramblers wandered past; I sat alone.

The glaciers had carved a path with basal slip
and grinding stones, and I sat alone.

Spacemen don’t exist, I cried to the moon,
and even if I went I’d wind up all alone. (This idea still isn't that clear for me) ...If you think of the speaker as being all alone for extended periods of time and the subsequent build up of frustration, this reaction isn't too far-fetched. The moon watches, from a distance, is ever present (apart from when it isn't :) ) and appears to mock. It's all in the mind, of course, but it annoys the speaker. It vaguely references the Apollo missions to the moon by refuting the existence of astronauts. The speaker shouts at the moon to get his own back, then resigns when he realises that even if he went he'd wind up all alone, hopping around the moon mountains. Hey! That's a good start for a poem! "Hopping around the moon mountains". :)

The music of tennis courts attracts romantics (Is the 'music of tennis' the rhythm of the ball bopping from side to side? A kind of conversation if you like)
who never want to find themselves alone. ...Yes, it implies an intimate exchange, or the possibilities of friendship. All of the sport related clubs I've attended have always had huge social appeal. I sound as if I'm permanently alone, but it's more about moments of loneliness and loss than self-enforced solitude. Mac suggested "rhythms" and I might still use it. I opted for 'music' because it implied more than just the game, but I'm still toying with the idea.

A glance, a drink, an unaffected gesture,
the drive to simply say hello. No, I sat alone. (Nice two lines. I know the feeling, too.)

Waterfalls and winterbournes expire with the drought (Isn't 'expire' redundant with 'winterbournes' or just a little tautological?) ...I was looking for an alternative to "rills" and the ever-present rhyme of "hills". I see them as streams that only flow after prolonged periods of wet weather, much the same as rills. When the drought arrives the winterbournes dry up. The Scots and the Northern English regularly use "burn" as an alternative. EG Blackburn, Wythburn or Wythbourne. They are commonly associated with Limestone country but the word is in general use as a stream. So, when it stops raining they dry up, be it in winter or summer.
and for one brief moment, find they are alone.

The wandering pilgrim always understands (Maybe instead of 'understands' how about 'knows'?
how the leaves feel when they fall. They feel alone. (Maybe: how a leaf must feel when it falls alone) ...I never thought, not even once, about using the singular "leaf". That's a really good point and one I'm still mulling over. Thanks for the nudge.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan


Thanks again

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2061
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am


Return to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
cron