Pilgrim-Places (Revision2)

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Pilgrim-Places (Revision2)

Postby ton321 » Sat Feb 25, 2017 3:51 am

Revision 2

Each step is into the past,
over stiles, through ginnel-ways
slick with mist, out onto the moor
still channeled by worn out paths.

There is nothing to say here, but to feel
the thump of our feet, the dialect
of walking, the setting-in of something
more than weather.






Revision 1

Each step is into the past,
over stiles, through ginnel-ways
slick with mist, out onto the moor
still channeled by worn out paths.

There is nothing to say here, but to feel
the thump of our feet, the dialect
of walking without purpose;
there are maps, of course,
but today is our compass,
let's just hush
and put one foot in front of the other.


Original

Each step is a step into the past,
over stiles, through the ginnel-ways
slick with mist, out onto the moor
still channeled by worn out paths.

There is nothing to say here, but to feel
the thump of our feet, the dialect
of walking without purpose;
there are maps of course
but today is our compass,
lets just hush for a moment
and put one foot in front of the other.
Last edited by ton321 on Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:02 am, edited 27 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby Macavity » Sat Feb 25, 2017 6:36 am

Interesting word choices. Very much enjoyed.

the thump of our feet, the dialect
of walking


I think that is great.

best

mac
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby David » Sat Feb 25, 2017 10:49 am

Macavity wrote:Interesting word choices. Very much enjoyed.

the thump of our feet, the dialect
of walking


I think that is great.

best

mac

I second everything Mac said. Nice one, Ton.

Apostrophe in let's? Damn apostrophes.

Cheers

David
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby Firebird » Sat Feb 25, 2017 2:53 pm

Lovely poem. It has a strong voice, and reads well from start to finish. Lots to like here: the sonics in the first stanza, the line breaks in the second, and the overall imagery.

One definitely to keep.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:57 pm

Nice
L1     Do you need the first 'step'?
Each is a step into the past
L4     Runnelled rather than 'channeled'?
L9     really liked this line
L10-11
let us for a moment
just put one foot in front of the other?
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby Antcliff » Sun Feb 26, 2017 11:54 pm

Enjoyed this, ton

Could you delete "a step" in the middle of ln.1 without loss?

Do you need the "the" in ln.2 when you do not have it before "stiles" on that line?

Do you need "for a moment"?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby ton321 » Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:40 pm

Thanks Mac, David, Tristan for your comments. Not, thanks for your suggestions, I can see that using "step", twice is a bit awkward. Seth, thanks for your suggestions, def. implement them in the next version.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby oggiesnr » Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:32 am

Enjoyed this very much.

I actually think that the two uses of "step" works very well on a couple of levels. A walk is a series of steps, there is also a step forward on the walk and a step backward in time. A single step, I think, would lose this dual movement.

Steve
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby the stranger » Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:01 am

"Over the moor, take me to the moor..."

It had that atmosphere, but in a more innocent way.

"ginnel-ways" - Love local dialect in poems, (I'm presuming it's local dialect) it makes you work, think about the poem.

Enjoyed.
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby ton321 » Sat Mar 11, 2017 1:13 am

Thanks for your comments Oggie, and Stranger.
Sorry Ant, obviously I have read your suggestions, but I mislaid my reply :D Didn't mean to be rude or anything.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: Pilgrim-Places (Revision)

Postby David » Sat Mar 11, 2017 6:21 pm

Oh no, ton. Undo that revision.

Cheers

David
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Re: Pilgrim-Places (Revision)

Postby ton321 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 1:58 am

It wasn't that bad was it? I deleted it anyway because its a different poem really, not a revision.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby JJWilliamson » Sun Mar 12, 2017 8:51 am

Wonderful poem, Ton, and one I will enjoy reading again.

S2 A comma after 'maps' and 'course' would slow things down a bit before you launch
into your delightful close.

Right up my street this one.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
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Re: Pilgrim-Places

Postby ton321 » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:06 pm

Hi JJ,
Glad you liked it, yes a bit of punctuation here and there would help,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: Pilgrim-Places (Revision)

Postby oggiesnr » Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:38 pm

Not sure about the last two lines, "let's just hush" grates on my ear I'm afaid.

"so hush" possibly?

Steve
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Re: Pilgrim-Places (Revision)

Postby Arian » Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:09 pm

oggiesnr wrote:Not sure about the last two lines, "let's just hush" grates on my ear I'm afaid.


Despite it's rather nice assonance, I tend to agree. Personally, I'd go for something like 'stay silent/quiet'.

Otherwise, it's a very nice piece, I like it a lot. Particularly enjoyed the dialect of walking...

Cheers
peter
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Re: Pilgrim-Places (Revision)

Postby ton321 » Tue Mar 21, 2017 6:35 pm

Thanks Steve and Peter for your suggestions,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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