And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the forger

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And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the forger

Postby Macavity » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:36 am

revision

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
dreamers cooling in pools of shade,
this butterfly day never fades.

Steamboats, sailboats, bathers at play,
mothers, daughters, girl with bouquet;
a monkey craves that girl's fair hair,
to steal flowers with simian flair.

A lazy rower smokes his pipe,
sewing in dreams his busy wife;
a forger fools in points of light,
he needs to frame a flock in flight.

That little boy with fishing rod,
his happy stare's a little odd;
forever on a hook these bait
weighted in Sunday faces their fate.

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
the forger lost in pools of shade,
the light of day must never fade.



original

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
dreamers cooling in pools of shade,
this butterfly day never fades.

Steamboats, sailboats, bathers at play,
mothers, daughters, girl with bouquet;
a monkey craves that girl's fair hair,
to steal flowers with simian flair.

A lazy rower smokes his pipe,
sewing in dreams his busy wife;
a forger fools in points of light,
unfettered monkey flees and frights

that lady with the fishing rod,
her attire just a little odd;
fish tugging bait wakes her horror,
faces of others turn in terror.

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
the forger lost in pools of shade,
the light of day must never fade.
Last edited by Macavity on Fri Mar 03, 2017 9:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby Luce » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:52 am

mac - It reads like a Seurat painting. Very nice. Not quite sure how the forger fits into this one. I feel I should know the connection here but I don't.

Luce


Macavity wrote:They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
dreamers cooling in pools of shade,
this butterfly day never fades.

I like the opening. You set the scene well. Not crazy about stretch/sprawl. Sounds pretty much like the same activity. How about "sleep" instead of "stretch" as an activity you do in the park?

Steamboats, sailboats, bathers at play,
mothers, daughters, girl with bouquet;
a monkey craves that girl's fair hair,
to steal flowers with simian flair.

How about "children" instead of "bathers"? Sounds more compatible with "play". How about "most" instead of "girl" in S2L2? This will avoid using the word "girl" twice in the stanza. Also, I think you need "bouquets" instead of "bouquet".

The last two lines in the 2nd stanza doesn't quite make sense since it is the flowers in the girl's hair that the monkey craves, not her hair really.


A lazy rower smokes his pipe,
sewing in dreams his busy wife;
a forger fools in points of light,
unfettered monkey flees and frights

I like the detail of the first two lines of the 3rd stanza. Not quite getting the forger imagery. It seems odd to introduce a forger in a "park-like" scene. It's odd about the monkey since you don't mention the handler. It almost sounds as if the monkey is on its own. By chance is the word "forger" another name for the monkey handler?

that lady with the fishing rod,
her attire just a little odd;
fish tugging bait wakes her horror,
faces of others turn in terror.

Like the detail but not really buying the off rhyme of horror/terror.

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
the forger lost in pools of shade,
the light of day must never fade.

I'd rather you just repeat the first stanza. It kind of completes the scene, a scene that gets repeated every day in this setting.
She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain
She'll make you live her crazy life but she'll take away your pain,
like a bullet to your brain.

Livin' La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby ton321 » Sat Feb 18, 2017 2:33 am

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
dreamers cooling in pools of shade,
this butterfly day never fades. - this line seems a bit clunky compared the last three is this deliberate?

Steamboats, sailboats, bathers at play,
mothers, daughters, girl with bouquet;
a monkey craves that girl's fair hair,
to steal flowers with simian flair.

A lazy rower smokes his pipe,
sewing in dreams his busy wife; -the word order seems contrived to fit the rhyme here
a forger fools in points of light,
unfettered monkey flees and frights

that lady with the fishing rod,
her attire just a little odd;
fish tugging bait wakes her horror,
faces of others turn in terror.

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
the forger lost in pools of shade,
the light of day must never fade.

As Luce said, feels like a Seurat painting. Baffled by the title though. I liked it,
Tony.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby David » Sat Feb 18, 2017 12:13 pm

Great title.

I think the more contemplative sections - lines 1 - 11 and the last verse - work much better than the more action-packed ones. That last verse, in particular, is lovely, and this too - a forger fools in points of light - I love.

Cheers

David
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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Feb 18, 2017 6:02 pm

Really enjoyed this, mac, and the rhythms. Essentially, tetrameter at work with a few substitutions.

I have been influenced by the other posters but I read this as the forgery of a painting. The forger
has deliberately toyed with the painting. I believe the painting in question is A Sunday on La Grande Jatte,
and the forger is probably painting a homage to, or parody of, the original, resulting in one of the many new versions.

I'm not sure about this interp' but I do like the possibilities and really like the poem.

Macavity wrote:They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl, ...Although the sibilance looks a bit on the heavy side, it reads like a dream.
parade top hat and parasol; ...Great rhyme
dreamers cooling in pools of shade,
this butterfly day never fades. ...Lost me for a sec but I see the little suckers now.

Steamboats, sailboats, bathers at play,
mothers, daughters, girl with bouquet;
a monkey craves that girl's fair hair,
to steal flowers with simian flair. ...Four stresses iamb/troche/iamb/elided iamb or anapest/ It's a tricky job applying more than one substitution in a line of tet but I think it works here. Good sonics throughout.

A lazy rower smokes his pipe,
sewing in dreams his busy wife;
a forger fools in points of light, ...Is this referring to pointillism?
unfettered monkey flees and frights ...Not getting this. I'll look at the painting. Is 'frights' right?

that lady with the fishing rod,
her attire just a little odd; ...Could be the forger's version. Could also be a reference to prostitution.
fish tugging bait wakes her horror,
faces of others turn in terror. ...You must have something in mind here. Not sure what. I like it, though.

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl,
parade top hat and parasol;
the forger lost in pools of shade,
the light of day must never fade. ...The original did fade, didn't it?


A great poem to read and interpret but I'm not 100% sure if I'm on the right track.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child
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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby Macavity » Sat Feb 18, 2017 6:22 pm

Thanks Luce, Tony, David and JJ.

I believe the painting in question is A Sunday on La Grande Jatte


Yes, indeed JJ! The lady dressed for Sunday looks odd to me for fishing. Anyway I've changed that stanza in light of David's comments on the 'action' bit. The test for the forger is the stillness, but perhaps in the painting he becomes absorbed by that stillness :wink:

all the best

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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby Luce » Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:26 pm

So the forger is a painter painting a Seurat type painting? Why make him a forger at all? Why can't he be a part of a real life canvas?

The painter painting or noting the girls, the woman fishing, the couple in the boat, the monkey and even himself in the scene.

Luce
She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain
She'll make you live her crazy life but she'll take away your pain,
like a bullet to your brain.

Livin' La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
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Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

Postby Macavity » Tue Feb 21, 2017 9:19 pm

Luce wrote:So the forger is a painter painting a Seurat type painting? Why make him a forger at all? Why can't he be a part of a real life canvas?

The painter painting or noting the girls, the woman fishing, the couple in the boat, the monkey and even himself in the scene.

Luce


The act of replicating an illusion, the tensions and consequences resulting from that attempt, the insistance of the subject matter, all of which interested me.

best

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