Search found 43 matches

by barrett
Tue Jun 18, 2019 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)
Replies: 9
Views: 771

Re: Full Wallop

Remarkable piece of writing, RC. It's an awkward and uncomfortable read, just as it should be.

Not nits from me on the body of the piece but I have a slight reservation about the title, does wallop have a bit of a comical overtone that jars with the theme. Could just be me though.

barrett
by barrett
Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Kensal Town Evensong V4
Replies: 15
Views: 1205

Re: Kensal Town Evensong (was Idyll)

I much prefer the original version, it has a sense ennui about it which I find appealing. Really dislike the revision. The inclusion of the parakeets make it an entirely different poem. Whereas the sauce bottle was the main source of imagery in the original, in the revision it has just become a biza...
by barrett
Sun Jun 16, 2019 8:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Family of Mice
Replies: 11
Views: 885

Re: Family of Mice

Hmm. It has even been suggested that Poet is not a plucky little neophyte at all, but some sort of troll. Crossed my mind too, still doesn't stop me liking the poems though. I like the naivety of some of them, if not true outsider art then it's a clever approximation. As for this poem, I agree with...
by barrett
Sat Jun 15, 2019 9:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Strand Street
Replies: 18
Views: 1564

Re: Strand Street

Beautifully done, David. It's an interesting point that Perry makes. I wouldn't say I agree with it, but it's interesting and perhaps invites a question on how (or why) we read poetry. Personally, I think I possibly read it to experience the world through different eyes. Others may read it to see a ...
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Retirement
Replies: 15
Views: 1060

Re: Retirement

... also, just spotted a minor typo. The "it's" in the 7th line from the bottom doesn't need an apostrophe.
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Retirement
Replies: 15
Views: 1060

Re: Retirement

Hello th, It's a good solid portrait. The first thing I'd do with it (and it's just a personal choice) would be to introduce a bit of white space, separate it out a bit. The final five lines sit a bit awkwardly to my ear. How would you feel about losing "over the course of a few hours"? It's already...
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:15 pm
Forum: Music and Song Lyric Discussion
Topic: The Chain
Replies: 408
Views: 199155

Re: The Chain

Blimey, that's a bit special! Cheers for that.

It may be a bit obvious but, y'know, any excuse. Some Velvet (Underground - Sunday) Morning

by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 8:33 pm
Forum: Music and Song Lyric Discussion
Topic: The Chain
Replies: 408
Views: 199155

Re: The Chain

Nice job! There's only one thing that can follow that.

Over to you, Mr. Camus!

by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 7:46 pm
Forum: Music and Song Lyric Discussion
Topic: The Chain
Replies: 408
Views: 199155

Re: The Chain

I see this thread hasn't seen much action for a while. I'm game!

by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Cat
Replies: 9
Views: 613

Re: The Cat

I commented on your Swan & Hawk poem and mentioned that I wasn't sure whether it was a beginner's piece or a very subtle and skilled piece of writing. Still not totally sure with this one. I really like it though, something quite haiku like about it, in the way that you capture the beauty and simpli...
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brent Aubade
Replies: 19
Views: 1896

Re: Aubade (was The First Day / Broken)

Nothing constructive to add to this, bjondon, just dropping in to say how much I like it. I've got a bit of a thing for aubades and I love the conciseness of yours. That ending is perfect.

Cheers,
barrett
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: But to me
Replies: 22
Views: 2132

Re: But to me

Hello Harbal, I'm not so sure about this one. It appears to be a sonnet but there's no volta that I can see, the end pretty much continues the same thought as the beginning. For it to work I would perhaps suggest the first three quatrains should extol the perceived virtues of the dawn chorus, the Mo...
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 9:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Deck of Cards
Replies: 4
Views: 422

Re: A Deck of Cards

Hello Namyh, I'm reading this with a ballad type beat, sort of in the vein of Robert W Service? Like 'The Cremation of Sam McGee' and all that? It mostly works well but, for me, the beat falters a bit in the final stanza. Is there not an old country song (or western, or country & western (I'm never ...
by barrett
Thu Jun 13, 2019 8:47 am
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 4
Views: 1369

Re: Hello

Thanks for the welcome, Mac!
by barrett
Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: DRAGONBOUGH
Replies: 13
Views: 1069

Re: DRAGONBOUGH

I can't say I was ever a fan of Rupert but this is perfect, wouldn't change a thing.

"...patient, cloaked in spiky-­branch disguise,
waiting to be seen through Nutwood eyes."

That's a fine couplet and says a lot more than its seeming simplicity suggests!

Thanks,
barrett.
by barrett
Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Swan & The Hawk
Replies: 7
Views: 704

Re: The Swan & The Hawk

This is an intriguing one. At the moment I'm unsure whether this is a real beginner's piece or whether it's a very subtle and skilled piece of writing. There's obviously a naivety to it, but is that naivety intentional? Whatever it is, I like it, but I agree that hokum seems an odd choice of words t...
by barrett
Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Minor Constellations
Replies: 8
Views: 1498

Re: Minor Constellations

Beautiful piece, RC. Shame to lose "then pause and give our eyes / back to the night sky" in the revision. Lovely line but I see that it interferes with the ending. I do wonder about the first stanza. Is it possibly a little prosaic in comparison to the rest? The second line could almost be consider...
by barrett
Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:41 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Hello
Replies: 4
Views: 1369

Hello

Hello all,

I used to write a fair bit until a few years ago, even had some (very) minor publishing successes in the mags, then it all dried up. Thinking about getting back into it again so I thought I'd sign up for some inspiration .

Here's hoping,
barrett