Search found 422 matches

by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 4:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Dancing Girl (new ending)
Replies: 13
Views: 554

Re: Dancing Girl

Hi Perry, I'm having difficulty buying some of the seeming assumptions behind this narrative. The pairing of this poem with your excellent Baryshnikov one is a bold and potentially successful drawing of equivalence between the psychology and aesthetic dynamics of a lap dancer/ stripper and a high ar...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 768

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Roethke certainly runs the gamut but I'm beginning to doubt the poem I had in mind is by him . . . It's about a guy sitting on a hillside looking at the sun glinting gold off horseshit on the opposite side of the valley . . . it's drowsy and beautifully written and then deliciously thrown away in th...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 12:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 438

Re: The Rising and the Shining

Thanks mac . . . I suppose I am playing with the definition
and attributed weight given to desire. We both rise and shine.
J
by bjondon
Thu Apr 25, 2019 1:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 768

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

The lyrical weariness, the gear changes, the stubborn hope
do remind me of Roethke. I read it to mum and she laughed
in all the right places!
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 8:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 801

Re: leave a message

Hi Peter, this is framed as a neat but weirdly detached conceit voicing the gulf between a doctor's professional and personal paradigm/vocabulary by ghosting his recorded telephone message with what he is apparently really thinking . . . but that doesn't quite match the opening focus on a fugue stat...
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 6:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 438

The Rising and the Shining

Age sharpens desire True, its younger blunter form bore all the weight -and what a bore! But now the balance swings, exact Find what you need to do and act Could there be anything simpler than that? Forget the sex That fruit may or may not fall into your lap We all are robots filled with desire And ...
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale (V2)
Replies: 12
Views: 627

Re: On Wanting a Chair to be a Chippendale

The anthropomorphisation of the chair, the subtle choice of language to cue painful cultural juxtaposions . . .this does seem to be about slavery . . . and I'm liking it more each time I read it. The two traces bother me a little . . . would it work to change the first to 'spy' (setting up a nice 18...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 646

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

Thanks Pauline and mac - great responses - This is a purely sonic piece (think Kurt Schwitters - though less explosive, more of a metric, walking rhythm). The cultural refs and Shakespeare red herring are welcome bonuses (loved the jk...lmnop urban dictionary double bluff). Pauline - you could have ...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 22, 2019 1:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 10
Views: 379

Re: Girl with Boa

You're not one of those full costume live re-enacters are you Not? I'm more of a Mary Poppins man myself (I usually go as a penguin). This is a really superb piece, sonics and concept. You are very good with animals (cf Bear Pit) but also drugs (cf You Are The Rain) - They could almost be a little t...
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 646

The Onlie Begetter (V3)

j k l m n o p . j k l m n o p . i ! . . . j k l m n o p QR! . . QR! . . . s - t - u - v j k l m n o p . j . k .. l .. m nop Minor revision from V2, just adding three dots to i! and switching off italics on the QR exclamation marks V1 jklmnop jklmnop i jklmnop QR! QR! s - t - u - v jklmnop jkl m nop
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 655

Re: Ferret

Great poem Tony. Loved the different weight
given to the two 'yip yip yip's. 'Balancing' as a
one word sentence. Really well put together.
Don't mind the its.
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2460

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Hmm
Thank you Not
I will take a breath to think on.
I would justify the triplet by the intended
emphasis on quite a big pause between
I think and I am . . . in fact maybe a comma
is worth a try there.
You are right ofcourse, the page is its own
special territory.
J
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 4:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2460

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thanks Not - I've shifted the here and given Derbyshire its own line. I think that is a little better. And I'm keeping my two thinks . . . it's all about the intonation,(see YouTube) and a very English idiomatic thing so kind of appropriate, plus the 'Yes!' does set it up differently. Glad you've im...
by bjondon
Sun Apr 21, 2019 2:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2460

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V5)

Thank you Not and JJ, - the final lap - both your contributions just the spur I needed :) Not :- Have gone for the full triplets, but stretching with shorter lines rather than compressing with longer ones. S7/8 (now 8/9) Yes, wasn't too happy with the two withins. It's partly a question of whether t...
by bjondon
Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: It's the revolution guys!
Replies: 2
Views: 190

It's the revolution guys!

Not a poem Nothing to say! You lot don't need to be told Just putting down a marker I'm over-excited! I think this really might be it If you're able get down there Or give money I will delete this soon I know it's bad manners We have had quiet glorious revolutions before Capitalism is not the enemy ...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 7:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Struggling with Conversion
Replies: 9
Views: 365

Re: Struggling with Conversion

A moving and well crafted piece Perry. I like the way it builds us for the fall of that stuffed chair image and the final donkey's kick of the last separated line. Whether we believe or not the reader is willing this god to exist. The choice of capitalisations sometimes seems a bit arbitrary. It doe...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 6:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2460

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thank you Not, have tweaked accordingly.
I think this might be the final version.
You were right S7 wasn't quite working.
Rather than go more concise I have expanded
a bit - now two triplets.
Hostile had its outing but have gone back
to foreign.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 3:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Anti-Psychotic (Formally "Depot")
Replies: 12
Views: 762

Re: Depot

Yes, very good . . . all in the title
S4 my fave . . . so far
Will be back after others have savoured.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 19, 2019 1:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 10
Views: 379

Re: Girl with Boa

Very good Not.
Snake or woman? Either way it would
appear the poet is about to be eaten.
Haven't figured out the last sentence
but like the ambiguity.
Wouldn't change a thing.
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Triffids
Replies: 7
Views: 382

Re: Triffids

I like it too C - great energy and a brave poetic strategy. The vaping metaphor is spot on but the faxed forced rhyme and pun are a bit old hat, the whole printing metaphor not adding much. (On second thoughts though, given the pace of the piece and the kind of knowing ratatattat of cliches it might...
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Toads, Toads, Toads V4 (formerly Toad Will See You Now )
Replies: 15
Views: 937

Re: Toads, Toads, Toads V4 (formerly Toad Will See You Now )

Hi Honour, it wasn't me who sent the notification.
I suspect you must have clicked on something that sent
you an auto note whenever there was a reply.
I may well know even less than you do about these arcane techno-matters.
Regards,
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tribbles (revised)
Replies: 16
Views: 506

Re: Tribbles (revised)

Hi JJ, I am starting to get it now - the list in particular much more comic (Meldrew meets Borges :) ) - though 'pouches'? How about 'ponchos' or 'paunches'. The squinting eyes definitely help too. Suggest "Your money . . . " has its own line And I think the last lines of both S3 + 4 are not needed....
by bjondon
Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Am I an Englishman? (V4)
Replies: 27
Views: 2460

Re: Am I an Englishman? (V4)

Thanks guys! - this is definitely my best piece (and not at all typical) Tristan - thanks for the thumbs up and the nomination - that is very encouraging camus - big compliment - very appreciated. I wanted the focus to widen out at the end, and great as those three patrilinear nations sound, it feel...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Scan
Replies: 4
Views: 286

Re: Scan

Really like this Luke . . . if the aim was to achieve a sense of levitating along with this couple viewing the first scan of their first baby I would say it succeeds. A real sense of the joy and wonder. For now we’re cocooned in machine light, fresh dew. . . . . . fresh dew is a bit confusing and do...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetual Motion
Replies: 14
Views: 1151

Re: Perpetual Motion

Thank you David, Tristan, Namyh, riverrun and Kris. Very gratified by the response. The last tweak is always the hardest. I have posted two possible versions - the top one replaces that cheese/hammer couplet with something a bit harsher and more tightly focused. The bottom one - as David suggested -...