Search found 660 matches

by bjondon
Wed Dec 11, 2019 3:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 489

Re: Green Lines (revision)

Tristan - thanks for rescuing this one - really glad you liked it. I agree 'straight' wasn't quite hitting the mark. On the literal front I was trying to capture the mix of boldness (compulsory optimism) and desperation that impels the natural world forward. Have revised with 'fierce' and split the ...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 08, 2019 1:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1536

Re: Floodwater v3b

Hi Not - developing well How about 'they slip like silverfish down there' And instead of 'cemetery' - 'a row of starveling plants' I'm not too keen on the softening paper, following from the drowned metaphor it misdirects to suggest a real flood. Could be 'crumble'? And maybe move 'leave' down to L3...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 08, 2019 12:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 489

green lines (V3)

green lines fingering the wind - close clad in a thin bark skin - blackbirds playing kiss chase - plucking berries straight from winter's cold face V2 Where would we be without the rhythm of reason the revelation of rhyme - green lines fingering the wind - close clad in a thin bark skin - blackbird...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 08, 2019 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cried into my curry
Replies: 1
Views: 223

Re: Cried into my curry

Hi Stuart, a lot to like here - a wealth of emotion hammered into trite trimeters - a sense of language failing but feelings raging. You break the rhythm in a couple of places - first in L6 which I think works, but L7 +10 not so good (perhaps 'You're' instead of ''Were' in L7?). I'm still trying to ...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 07, 2019 12:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Delicacy
Replies: 15
Views: 876

Re: Delicacy

No cheese! Nothing from China! …Is that possible? I like S1 - know plenty of households where the family pet is pointedly referred to as 'belonging to' (i.e. the responsibility of) one person (the one who campaigned for it). And a good title - moral qualms, moral queasiness But the central formula s...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 07, 2019 11:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: West End Boy (V4)
Replies: 5
Views: 461

Re: West End Boy (V4)

Thanks Ray - given me pause for thought as usual.
What I know is the song and I think you are right,
I was drifting into soft focus.
Have enroled Rick Wakeman for V4.

Jules
by bjondon
Thu Dec 05, 2019 9:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Safeguarding
Replies: 5
Views: 747

Re: Safeguarding

Great beginning, middle and end, but seemingly from
different poems - almost a Burroughs cut and paste.
The two opening stanzas my favourite, partly because I'm
imagining the bear as the N.
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Dec 05, 2019 9:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wolves from Yellowstone
Replies: 16
Views: 1030

Re: Wolves from Yellowstone

I think there's something wrong with the rhythm of L3, all the others start with a punch. A possible alt: 'Humans vote, a cull condoned'? I'm in two minds about 'biome' - the rhythm is definitely off in that line too, but if you can sort that it might work. Now you've explained the plot it seems to ...
by bjondon
Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Writing a Poem
Replies: 4
Views: 491

Re: Writing a Poem

I get the double meaning of 'penned' now,
which works well there.
You could almost stop at 'deliciousness' -
it seems to go downhill from there.
I can sense you feeling your way towards
a resolution but at present the explanations are taking
us away from the immediacy.
J
by bjondon
Tue Dec 03, 2019 9:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shelley in Sainsbury's - Manchester 2019 (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 1428

Re: Shelley in Sainsbury's - Manchester 2019 (V3)

Thanks for the feedback mac. I have fixed the question marks. I'm not sure about 'nutter/mutter' - I do worry about these things. It could be an idiom that is shifting. The other day my nephew (mid 20's) described one of his friends as 'a complete nutter' - using it as a positive epithet meaning a b...
by bjondon
Tue Dec 03, 2019 7:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: West End Boy (V4)
Replies: 5
Views: 461

Re: West End Boy (revision)

Thank you Sid and Not - just the push I needed Sid - I'm really attached to my three 'olds' I want quite a folky almost naive feel - like Cat Stevens' songs I'm assuming all readers know this is about 'Morning Has Broken' 'blossoming' - thank you! 'far-below restaurant' - I think I need the family r...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 02, 2019 8:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Writing a Poem
Replies: 4
Views: 491

Re: Writing a Poem

Hi Sid - a lively description of one writer's way of 'eating an orange' but it makes much more sense to me as a metaphor if you put it into reverse i.e. start with a sticky mess and arrive at a perfect orange. Just a thought. In a way I can see how the most poetic thing here is the whole tactile ick...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:04 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Rapture
Replies: 11
Views: 1469

Re: Rapture

Brilliant news JJ!
As soon as I saw the title it immediately evoked the poem - partly I think because that is the word the N himself would
use, though only in private to himself - and it made me think of the open lakeland 'a's too.
Best,
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Dec 01, 2019 9:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: West End Boy (V4)
Replies: 5
Views: 461

West End Boy (V4)

Old Cat Stevens' old old song Farjeon's hymn made marvelously his own Late flowering hippy sat upon The high roof of his father's restaurant Down below is how the world hush-hum goes Up here wind carries music Fading swelling ghosts of West End shows Strange magic fills the air, flies, and is gone T...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 01, 2019 9:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1536

Re: Two Versions

A good start Not. I agree the two silvers aren't quite gelling - how about changing the first one to 'sliver' 'things we did not want to lose/slowly shut themselves to silence' - I liked that insight but the following 'their closing a rebuke' seems a/redundant b/illogical (the silence might feel lik...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 01, 2019 3:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trouble With Poetry (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 397

Re: The Trouble With Poetry (revision)

Thanks Not and Mike - a unanimous thumbs up on the 'nevers' and thumbs down on the 'giggle button' - I agree the giggle stanza was the clunkiest but I think the idea was ok - see V2 Not - great rewrite - I was tempted to grab it whole but stretching it out like that does seem to take something from ...
by bjondon
Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Surrender Act
Replies: 15
Views: 1244

Re: The Surrender Act

An interesting, and particularly with that title, at first appearances, quite chippy piece . . . but then 'with lowing patience' and 'orderly lines' sounds a peaceful and mutually respectful arrangement (assuming this is a 'by the cows, for the cows' sort of society.) 'sovereign minds' could mean in...
by bjondon
Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: ...Go on Faith
Replies: 3
Views: 351

Re: ...Go on Faith

Hi Namiyh, pungent and curious. Enjoyed the unexpected here. The folk ballad style justifies for me the odd syntactical corners. And I thought the title joined up neatly with the very particular take on 'Faith'. Just a couple of technical nits: S1 L4 - 'out the' instead of 'in its'? S2 L6 - comma in...
by bjondon
Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wolves from Yellowstone
Replies: 16
Views: 1030

Re: Wolves from Yellowstone

Hi again, - here's another rewrite (and a massacre of the official rhyme scheme) Hunting wolves from Yellowstone Apex predators running in packs For safety's sake eliminate Hunting wolves - From Yellowstone content deer eat saplings to the root No mature trees have grown since Hunting wolves from Ye...
by bjondon
Fri Nov 29, 2019 5:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Trouble With Poetry (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 397

The Trouble With Poetry (revision)

The trouble with poetry is that it is neither fact nor fiction - too uncomfortably close to the heart, and weirdly obsessed with its own diction. Stand-up comedy - its kissing cousin - so much less trouble - though it can get tedious to always have to hit that giggle button Note the half rhyme there...
by bjondon
Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wolves from Yellowstone
Replies: 16
Views: 1030

Re: Wolves from Yellowstone

Hi Sid, Wolves don't care about triolets but a subtle shift of syntax here makes the difference between them being the hunters and the hunted. Come to think of it the strange impelling 'logic' of the triolet fits the mind of the wolf quite well. But there seems to be some magic missing here - I thin...
by bjondon
Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grim the Clock
Replies: 7
Views: 772

Re: Grim the Clock

'Wrick with wroth' - are you using a specific dialect or are these made up words? Neologisms are fine but I think you'd need a more consistent pattern or some sort of internal compelling logic to justify them here. Otherwise superb! I'm critting the 'second version' here. It would be easier for us t...
by bjondon
Wed Nov 27, 2019 2:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Sect Gone Wry (Sanctimonious - revised)
Replies: 25
Views: 1642

Re: Sanctimonious

Definitely getting there.
I'd let it bed down for a couple of weeks then catch it by surprise.
I'm imagining it written on the side of a tall tower block (painted, projected).
You could try taking or finding a photograph and photoshopping it in.
Jules
by bjondon
Tue Nov 26, 2019 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Launderette
Replies: 12
Views: 1079

Re: Launderette

Hi ton, I can see lotus's point about the hardwood line, maybe just swapping the order with the pew line would work. The last line actually made it for me - the sounds an old big launderette machine makes when it finally clunks to a stop somehow evocative of the scraping and dull thudding of a big f...
by bjondon
Tue Nov 26, 2019 4:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Sect Gone Wry (Sanctimonious - revised)
Replies: 25
Views: 1642

Re: Sanctimonious

Hi Mike, they say political poetry is dead, but I welcome all attempts to at least kick the corpse. I thought the first fifteen lines of the original were good (I'd argue for reversing all the revisions). After 'A war of tithes' you lengthen the lines and it loses its resonance, but I liked the idea...