Search found 660 matches

by bjondon
Thu Jun 08, 2017 7:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clear Skies (1/3)
Replies: 7
Views: 2206

Re: Clear Skies (1/3)

Brilliant. I feel as if I've been dropped into the sea in the middle of the night. Is there a sci-fi edge to this? First two stanzas near perfect. I agree that personifying the sky feels a little too poeticized. The N is waxing lyrical in dire circumstances which defines this whole piece, but a deli...
by bjondon
Thu Jun 08, 2017 6:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On not knowing where to look for you (revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 3487

Re: On not knowing where to look for you (revised)

This new version feels like a completely different poem with some wonderful things in it (I will never hear anyone say they 'need space' without wondering how much leeway dark energy will give them) but I feel drawn back to the original. I was a fan of 'One thing is certain' . . . it seems like the ...
by bjondon
Thu Jun 08, 2017 3:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Red Boots
Replies: 9
Views: 1405

Re: Red Boots

Hi Sheila, I like this, especially the rhythm and flow of it. It almost feels as if it's conjuring the spirit of this woman, spinning to a halt on the word 'defiant'. And no problem deciphering the meaning without your explanation. My only quibble would be the last line . . . the rhythm feels slight...
by bjondon
Thu Jun 08, 2017 2:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7540
Views: 936428

Re: Haiku Train

now their taps are bare
uncloaked messages spilling
from my crystal set
by bjondon
Wed May 31, 2017 9:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Coming to naught
Replies: 12
Views: 3274

Re: Coming to naught

Hello Ian, a fine winter's seminar. Bleak and sorrowful but redeemed by the intricate workmanship and maybe a hint of dour comedy : the lemon- pencil - sheep improvised progression and possibly the use of that word 'chipped' - right or wrong I can't make my mind up, it adds a kind of absurd spark. S...
by bjondon
Wed May 31, 2017 6:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On not knowing where to look for you (revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 3487

Re: On not knowing where to look for you

Hi Ros, this piece has stuck in my mind for the last three weeks . . . I would love to see it eventually take flight! My one hunch for developing it is to somehow clarify that matter and energy are essentially the same stuff. (L6 is where it falters). -That was the key confusion that threw me (at fi...
by bjondon
Mon May 29, 2017 10:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: You are the Rain
Replies: 35
Views: 4965

Re: You are the Rain

Chuffed you took my advice! . . .Yes, it has a sort of luminosity now. . . . Troubled by the 'thee' though, much as it chimes with the 'these' , I think the connection back to the 'you' of the title works better. As for 4-6 year olds, they are a tough audience . . . if you can please them you are on...
by bjondon
Sun May 28, 2017 11:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: You are the Rain
Replies: 35
Views: 4965

Re: You are the Rain

Hello Not, forgive me for throwing in my ha'porth at such a late date, but I really love this and am not surprised it has attracted so much comment. Simplicity and a dangerous ambiguity are its great strengths. The form to me is that of a riddle . . . deliciously it announces its answer in the first...
by bjondon
Sun May 28, 2017 7:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nightwatch
Replies: 6
Views: 1053

Re: Nightwatch

Hi Crayon, - a nice coiled spring of a sentence . . . somewhere between Dylan Thomas and Raymond Chandler(?) . . . and yes it does whet the appetite for more. The hard serviceable adjectives work fine for me, a perfect setting for that fox-fuck diamond. The last line feels a bit loose though. Julian
by bjondon
Sun May 28, 2017 6:25 pm
Forum: Hello, Good Evening and Welcome
Topic: Apprentice wizard
Replies: 1
Views: 2405

Apprentice wizard

Between the freshly cooked books of the past and the imminently ironic ingredients of the future may I present myself AKA 'Julian', hoping to learn at least one new spell from your more than half excellent workshop and discussion forums.