Search found 663 matches

by bjondon
Thu Dec 19, 2019 5:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 7
Views: 261

Re: Between the Lines (V2)

Hi Miles, do you need the hyphens in L5&6? They seem a bit intrusive to me. At first I was a little disappointed the Morning Star reference didn't lead anywhere. Is it supposed to have a particular significance? Given the excellently sustained whimsicality of the rest I don't suppose it really has t...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 19, 2019 2:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Green Friday
Replies: 15
Views: 663

Re: Green Friday

Yes, I was going to add I think they made a strategic mistake deciding to be so scrupulously (and publicly) non-partisan. In some ways they helped give the impression that all three contenders were as bad/good as each other. Still, if the economy tanks, as it surely will, GDP will fall, people will ...
by bjondon
Wed Dec 18, 2019 3:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Green Friday
Replies: 15
Views: 663

Re: Green Friday

Pitch perfect - one of your best I think. I'm on XR's mailing list and have to admit I haven't been reading the newsletters. The two week campaign was I think instrumental in making all the parties up their game, at least in their manifestos . . . except the business as usual Tories . . . XR will no...
by bjondon
Tue Dec 17, 2019 1:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1059

Re: Floodwater v3b

Hi Not, yes, I think that reads better. I f you insist on S3, those line breaks are better and it's quite a nice echo of the 'drowned house' though I realise there I'm thinking of the rain barrel but the dimpled surface could equally well be the bird bath. I would either add a comma after 'Our garde...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 7:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1059

Re: Floodwater v3b

Hi Not, what I like about this is the wry acceptance of the N's tone - the subject is a house and by implication its owner going to seed - a sorry tale, but the N's self-depracating mock gothic humour refuses pity. And there's also this sense that the house itself is almost being brought to life, th...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 2:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 973

Re: Cat Long (revision)

V2 up.
Heading in the right direction?
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 1:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 10
Views: 343

Re: Fortune Telling

Very elegant Miles. The comic incongruencies of S1 lead us to expect more, so we are effectively ambushed by the more poetic flow of S2. My one niggle: the phrase that begins'A hacienda where' seems to connect to 'senoritas decked out' which gives the awkward feeling that your using 'decked out' as ...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 12:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: the canvas of the covenant
Replies: 7
Views: 425

Re: the canvas of the covenant

I like the layout lotus - it reminds me how text from the middle and far east is more often read from right to left. And the open spaced shapes evoke a flapping canvas, a coastline, a seabird. I also like the idea behind 'to & from'. There is something a bit bland about this though, as if you've was...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 15, 2019 12:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Afterwards (revision4)
Replies: 20
Views: 659

Re: After The Mistake (revision3)

In a way 'dumb' is the odd one out here.
'blind' and 'deaf' imply over-riding the senses, the evidence,
but 'dumb' is holding back the voice.
If the last line was 'blind and deaf' the title could be 'Dumb'.
J
by bjondon
Sun Dec 15, 2019 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Message
Replies: 6
Views: 311

Re: The Message

Hi Tony - a great subject to celebrate, and I like the clunky rhythm and rhyme. Just a few nigglets 'with out' one word L8 - the phrasing suggests it was something to do with the letters being capitals that made them difficult to erase - I have a feeling that back then the council just didn't bother...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 14, 2019 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 973

Re: Cat Long

Thank you mac, Not, JJ, Miles and sleepy and shame on me for not responding earlier - Miles, thank you for delving down the board and pulling this one up. I suppose I'm a bit stuck - S2 is definitely substandard, but I've been struggling to reconnect with whatever blast of oofle dust blew this out o...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The problem
Replies: 8
Views: 348

Re: The problem

Hi Tristan - Is there an intentional ambiguity in
the last 'it'? - i.e. it could also mean the act of
voting.
I liked the way that made me think about the
communal narrative of a democracy.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Dec 13, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: No title
Replies: 7
Views: 316

Re: No title

Hi Mike - I like it. The V2 much tighter.
Is a box car the same as a go kart?
And the 'justice' I understand as a perverse way of taking it out on
himself, destroying his own world, siding with the demons?

Jules
by bjondon
Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Romancing the Ocean (revision 2)
Replies: 21
Views: 697

Re: Romancing the Ocean

Yes, a bit of a bracing triumph. Not sure if the title captures it. Sent me to my copy of Rattlebag to dig out Masefield's 'Sea-Change'. The one puzzler for me is the word 'temper' in the last stanza . . . the wind is being all sprightly and frivolous, the ocean suggests that when they get together ...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 5:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Afterwards (revision4)
Replies: 20
Views: 659

Re: After The Mistake (revision)

I preferred prayer to kneeling - it seemed to convey
the different order time takes on in those moments
but a bit quirky and still leaving the direction of forgiveness
unclear.
Maybe 'candle wax contrition'?

J
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vixen
Replies: 3
Views: 248

Re: Vixen

Hi Mike - I'm a bit held up by 'sealed his hex' You can put a hex on someone but this seems too big a leap for me. Plus it's not clear who 'he' is. It might just work if the N is the target i.e. 'sealed my hex' or maybe 'placed her hex'. But a great sinister feel achieved with your minimal syllables...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Delicacy
Replies: 15
Views: 576

Re: Delicacy

Hi Ray, Vegusto Pungent isn't too bad, but weirdly it's no longer available online. 'Our friend' solves that confusion and works fine for me. Wondered about changing 'our worktop' to 'my worktop'. Don't think I would have got the logical premise without your explanation. My solution (S3): Alas I lac...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 12:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 328

Re: green lines (V3)

Thanks Ray, Tony and mac R & T - you might have a point - 'lovely' is sufficient in itself. I've put up an alt version giving these words their own space. mac - yes, 'plucking straight from the face' has this cloud connotation of plucking victory from defeat. 'fierce', much as I like the 'face' echo...
by bjondon
Wed Dec 11, 2019 3:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Afterwards (revision4)
Replies: 20
Views: 659

Re: After The Mistake

Hi mac - I like the play between the fabled childlike cosiness/complacency of the dormouse and the extremeness of the adult stricture - safe inactivity but something is majorly wrong with the world. I'm not too sure about the ambiguity as to who made the mistake and who requires forgiveness - if it'...
by bjondon
Wed Dec 11, 2019 3:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 328

Re: Green Lines (revision)

Tristan - thanks for rescuing this one - really glad you liked it. I agree 'straight' wasn't quite hitting the mark. On the literal front I was trying to capture the mix of boldness (compulsory optimism) and desperation that impels the natural world forward. Have revised with 'fierce' and split the ...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 08, 2019 1:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1059

Re: Floodwater v3b

Hi Not - developing well How about 'they slip like silverfish down there' And instead of 'cemetery' - 'a row of starveling plants' I'm not too keen on the softening paper, following from the drowned metaphor it misdirects to suggest a real flood. Could be 'crumble'? And maybe move 'leave' down to L3...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 08, 2019 12:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 328

green lines (V3)

green lines fingering the wind - close clad in a thin bark skin - blackbirds playing kiss chase - plucking berries straight from winter's cold face V2 Where would we be without the rhythm of reason the revelation of rhyme - green lines fingering the wind - close clad in a thin bark skin - blackbird...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 08, 2019 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cried into my curry
Replies: 1
Views: 158

Re: Cried into my curry

Hi Stuart, a lot to like here - a wealth of emotion hammered into trite trimeters - a sense of language failing but feelings raging. You break the rhythm in a couple of places - first in L6 which I think works, but L7 +10 not so good (perhaps 'You're' instead of ''Were' in L7?). I'm still trying to ...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 07, 2019 12:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Delicacy
Replies: 15
Views: 576

Re: Delicacy

No cheese! Nothing from China! …Is that possible? I like S1 - know plenty of households where the family pet is pointedly referred to as 'belonging to' (i.e. the responsibility of) one person (the one who campaigned for it). And a good title - moral qualms, moral queasiness But the central formula s...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 07, 2019 11:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: West End Boy (V4)
Replies: 5
Views: 334

Re: West End Boy (V4)

Thanks Ray - given me pause for thought as usual.
What I know is the song and I think you are right,
I was drifting into soft focus.
Have enroled Rick Wakeman for V4.

Jules