Search found 660 matches

by bjondon
Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1433

Re: Cat Long (revision)

Thanks for dropping by Tony - this is a sweet
little toy but I feel sure it's meant to do something
more.
Glad you liked those last three.
Jules
by bjondon
Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: You've Heard This One Before Haven't You
Replies: 15
Views: 1110

Re: You've Heard This One Before Haven't You

This is a curious one Poet, and I am beginning to like it - the cadence, the internal rhymes, the whole cussed bad-tempered attitude of it. At first it did just feel like a fast written diary entry, emotion all over the place but very little for the reader to hang on to - in fact it feels like it's ...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 23, 2019 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 8
Views: 643

Re: Seven Centuries in the Making (V4)

Hi Miles, Enjoyed this one from the start - some judicious revisions in each version, but I think you lost a few good things on the way e.g. the jeopardy to the N. The simplest way to explain is to cut and paste, mostly working from V2, the most immediate and vivid version for me. See what you think...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 23, 2019 1:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1433

Re: Cat Long (revision)

Much appreciated mac, Poet and Sid mac - yes, the 'mishap' line just there for the rhyme; an insufficiently feline fill. The Poetry Society's newsletter's comp just announced a new theme… Cats! Poet - that's one of the best things anyone has said about one of my pieces - a definite encouragement to ...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 22, 2019 3:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Short of the Moon (V3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1008

Re: Short of the Moon

Thanks for coming back Miles, 'AKA'- also known as - though more commonly put in lower case, as amended in V3 I'm not a fan of Tom Hanks but that film, essentially a reconstruction of real events, is really worth a look. mac - point taken. I was going for character inflection but I can see the strai...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 21, 2019 7:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Short of the Moon (V3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1008

Re: Short of the Moon (revision)

Thanks Not, Tony, Miles, Sid and mac - five very useful responses - a modified version up This is quite an experimental piece so I only had a hunch it was working. Much encouraged by your remarks mac and Tony and (almost) Not. mac in particular you seemed to get it exactly, I wonder if you'll think ...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 21, 2019 11:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Aubergine (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 804

Re: Aubergine.

I suppose this could be about an aubergine.
I'm reading a lot of playful and not so playful sexual tension . . . is it just me?
Last two not up to scratch though mac's tweak helps.
Some great phrasing here and I like the genderlessness of it all.

Jules
by bjondon
Fri Dec 20, 2019 6:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Short of the Moon (V3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1008

Short of the Moon (V3)

A week after their last visit It failed again We didn't call them For one, the system was behaving very strangely Flipping into irretrievable lock-out With dire error messages Only to spontaneously start up again Eight hours later And then stop This was the point When everything went a bit Apollo 13...
by bjondon
Fri Dec 20, 2019 3:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cinders
Replies: 5
Views: 500

Re: Cinders

Hi Ray - this is a strange one but it feels real. I understand it as a sort of death bed scene, curiously held at a distance by this Cinders theme - the N's mother is now literally cinders and ashes but this odd flight brings her momentarily back to life, her tetchy lust for living, her disappointme...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 19, 2019 7:07 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: A poem that I read today by Mac
Replies: 56
Views: 8201

Re: A poem that I read today by Mac

Enjoying the guided tour mac.
Can I return the favour with this
excellent one from Jen Hadfield:
poetryarchive.org/poem/aa

Jules
by bjondon
Thu Dec 19, 2019 5:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 7
Views: 523

Re: Between the Lines (V2)

Hi Miles, do you need the hyphens in L5&6? They seem a bit intrusive to me. At first I was a little disappointed the Morning Star reference didn't lead anywhere. Is it supposed to have a particular significance? Given the excellently sustained whimsicality of the rest I don't suppose it really has t...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 19, 2019 2:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Green Friday
Replies: 15
Views: 1135

Re: Green Friday

Yes, I was going to add I think they made a strategic mistake deciding to be so scrupulously (and publicly) non-partisan. In some ways they helped give the impression that all three contenders were as bad/good as each other. Still, if the economy tanks, as it surely will, GDP will fall, people will ...
by bjondon
Wed Dec 18, 2019 3:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Green Friday
Replies: 15
Views: 1135

Re: Green Friday

Pitch perfect - one of your best I think. I'm on XR's mailing list and have to admit I haven't been reading the newsletters. The two week campaign was I think instrumental in making all the parties up their game, at least in their manifestos . . . except the business as usual Tories . . . XR will no...
by bjondon
Tue Dec 17, 2019 1:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1772

Re: Floodwater v3b

Hi Not, yes, I think that reads better. I f you insist on S3, those line breaks are better and it's quite a nice echo of the 'drowned house' though I realise there I'm thinking of the rain barrel but the dimpled surface could equally well be the bird bath. I would either add a comma after 'Our garde...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 7:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1772

Re: Floodwater v3b

Hi Not, what I like about this is the wry acceptance of the N's tone - the subject is a house and by implication its owner going to seed - a sorry tale, but the N's self-depracating mock gothic humour refuses pity. And there's also this sense that the house itself is almost being brought to life, th...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 2:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1433

Re: Cat Long (revision)

V2 up.
Heading in the right direction?
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 1:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 10
Views: 683

Re: Fortune Telling

Very elegant Miles. The comic incongruencies of S1 lead us to expect more, so we are effectively ambushed by the more poetic flow of S2. My one niggle: the phrase that begins'A hacienda where' seems to connect to 'senoritas decked out' which gives the awkward feeling that your using 'decked out' as ...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 16, 2019 12:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: the canvas of the covenant
Replies: 7
Views: 698

Re: the canvas of the covenant

I like the layout lotus - it reminds me how text from the middle and far east is more often read from right to left. And the open spaced shapes evoke a flapping canvas, a coastline, a seabird. I also like the idea behind 'to & from'. There is something a bit bland about this though, as if you've was...
by bjondon
Sun Dec 15, 2019 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Message
Replies: 6
Views: 547

Re: The Message

Hi Tony - a great subject to celebrate, and I like the clunky rhythm and rhyme. Just a few nigglets 'with out' one word L8 - the phrasing suggests it was something to do with the letters being capitals that made them difficult to erase - I have a feeling that back then the council just didn't bother...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 14, 2019 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1433

Re: Cat Long

Thank you mac, Not, JJ, Miles and sleepy and shame on me for not responding earlier - Miles, thank you for delving down the board and pulling this one up. I suppose I'm a bit stuck - S2 is definitely substandard, but I've been struggling to reconnect with whatever blast of oofle dust blew this out o...
by bjondon
Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The problem
Replies: 8
Views: 601

Re: The problem

Hi Tristan - Is there an intentional ambiguity in
the last 'it'? - i.e. it could also mean the act of
voting.
I liked the way that made me think about the
communal narrative of a democracy.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Dec 13, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: No title
Replies: 7
Views: 566

Re: No title

Hi Mike - I like it. The V2 much tighter.
Is a box car the same as a go kart?
And the 'justice' I understand as a perverse way of taking it out on
himself, destroying his own world, siding with the demons?

Jules
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vixen
Replies: 3
Views: 402

Re: Vixen

Hi Mike - I'm a bit held up by 'sealed his hex' You can put a hex on someone but this seems too big a leap for me. Plus it's not clear who 'he' is. It might just work if the N is the target i.e. 'sealed my hex' or maybe 'placed her hex'. But a great sinister feel achieved with your minimal syllables...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Delicacy
Replies: 15
Views: 1030

Re: Delicacy

Hi Ray, Vegusto Pungent isn't too bad, but weirdly it's no longer available online. 'Our friend' solves that confusion and works fine for me. Wondered about changing 'our worktop' to 'my worktop'. Don't think I would have got the logical premise without your explanation. My solution (S3): Alas I lac...
by bjondon
Thu Dec 12, 2019 12:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 583

Re: green lines (V3)

Thanks Ray, Tony and mac R & T - you might have a point - 'lovely' is sufficient in itself. I've put up an alt version giving these words their own space. mac - yes, 'plucking straight from the face' has this cloud connotation of plucking victory from defeat. 'fierce', much as I like the 'face' echo...