Search found 417 matches

by bjondon
Sat Jun 01, 2019 1:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetuum Mobile
Replies: 5
Views: 800

Re: Perpetuum Mobile

Really like this too Joao . . . don't yet have time to do justice to it but hope to come back. L10 - is the ambiguity intended? i.e. it could be either the collossi or the N mouthing speeches That's the only niggle I can come up with! Jules . . . just a thought - I'd be tempted to remove the comma a...
by bjondon
Sat Jun 01, 2019 12:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brent Aubade
Replies: 19
Views: 685

Brent Aubade

Morning breaking; broken Pigeons rise, starlings cut even a swift scythes the upper airs All accompanied by blackbird who, having coughed out dawn's clichés wakes us with his extraordinary The First Day Morning breaking; broken Starlings cut, pigeons glide even a swift scythes the upper air All acc...
by bjondon
Fri May 31, 2019 12:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Paco de Lucia 21.30 (V2)
Replies: 8
Views: 799

Re: Paco de Lucia 21.30 (V2)

Thanks James, Not, lotus and Perry. . . a V2 posted. James - 'earned' is good! Always tricky to carry off strong emotion, and not sure of exactly what is working here in the preamble, just going on instinct. Yes, I think the Franco thing in V1 was a bit gratuitous . . . I was aiming for the sunstruc...
by bjondon
Thu May 30, 2019 3:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Windblown (triple elevenie) revision 3
Replies: 26
Views: 1432

Re: Windblown (triple elevenie) revision 3

This works for me JJ, even though I was reading 'Violas' as the musical instrument. Thrown a bit by the cypress trees in S3 (though I love the 'I' line) - and then it clicked - Is this a sequence or merging of impressionist painters/paintings? I'm getting flavours of Lautrec, Renoir and van Gogh (an...
by bjondon
Thu May 30, 2019 2:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A royal birth (version 2)
Replies: 26
Views: 1713

Re: A royal birth (version 2)

Hi Leaf, I'm jumping on this bandwagon too . . . this is pretty neat, and as Harbal says, something special going on with those enjambments. In fact altogether interesting use of language . . . Trying to put my finger on it - those quite harsh repetitions : Pittville/Pittville ; birth/births in S1/2...
by bjondon
Wed May 29, 2019 1:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: core structure of absence (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 1241

Re: core structure of absence (revision)

Hi again river (should we call you Ty?), my own feeling is that journalists, rappers and stand-up comedians are on the cutting edge of this new age of buzzing rhetorics. And Brazil - part of the rising BRIC nations - I can well see them establishing a back currency overturning the dollar . . . Wheth...
by bjondon
Mon May 27, 2019 2:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: (SHA 5) The Stretcher Bearers Wore Grey (v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1025

Re: (SHA 5) The Stretcher Bearers Wore Grey

Hi Not, was a bit confused yesterday by that phrase 'marked their service', thinking you meant 'payed their respects', but I get it now . . . though would they say that? . . . service is a bit too general, but I can imagine sharp eyes noting the specific battallion and rank. I prefer 'wiped' too - t...
by bjondon
Sun May 26, 2019 2:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Paco de Lucia 21.30 (V2)
Replies: 8
Views: 799

Paco de Lucia 21.30 (V2)

Later, I studied the map, as if anything could account for those interminable pavements; the infernal architect that had brought me here: a few degrees off-latitude and already, at sea. My ticket to Cadiz, snug in my pocket; my predilection for getting lost - that was how it began. This intermediate...
by bjondon
Mon May 20, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: core structure of absence (revision)
Replies: 15
Views: 1241

Re: core structure of absence (revision)

Hi river, have you had much experience with poetry workshops? This revision seems pretty good (just the last half of Stanza4 I would question) - but I have no idea what you have changed . . . I know myself with longer pieces it is tempting to edit on the hop - if just a few changes you can always de...
by bjondon
Sat May 18, 2019 2:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 613

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

At last, an awakening response! I do remember and love those flobalobs too David :) Peter . . . you are much closer than you think . . . kids in the back of a car are kind of exactly the creative melting pot I am mining here! Honour . . . really pleased you are picking up on the visual elements . . ...
by bjondon
Sat May 18, 2019 12:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flowers
Replies: 11
Views: 746

Re: Flowers

Shades of John Crowe Ransom, Larkin . . . really like this. I'd drop that last three line stanza, it ends more powerfully with the preceding one . . . but just a minor niggle . . . well done! Jules Yeah, the Hayden is a beautiful poem . . . I note the oo sounds of too and blue playing against all th...
by bjondon
Wed May 08, 2019 9:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Anti-Psychotic (Formally "Depot")
Replies: 12
Views: 743

Re: Depot

A judicious revision Charles. All I would change now is revert back to version one's final stanza . . . I thought the stacking shelves line a much better ending and to me it linked to the act of writing poetry - the contrarian implication being that the controlled mind is actually the real source of...
by bjondon
Sun May 05, 2019 5:12 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: Poems That You Love
Replies: 95
Views: 16565

Re: Poems That You Love

Just parachuting in . . .hi Perry and David - that Stallings Cardinal Numbers is quite extraordinary . . . . is it Allan Ahlberg who writes 'humourous' verse with something approaching the same deadpan razor sharp wit? Will have to dig one of his out. I suspect Stallings goes further and deeper. Tha...
by bjondon
Sat May 04, 2019 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 629

Re: Ferret

Good workshopping! … especially the touch on L4. L1 - I'd put the 'its' back here, softening the alliteration a bit. S2 - all good S3 - I liked the 'But' up on L13 , it seemed to give that whole sentence better pacing and impact. L15 - I'd restore 'It was' - it places it more firmly as memory, cheri...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nominate features!
Replies: 30
Views: 12455

Re: Nominate features!

Thank you Tristan and JJ - this is really encouraging! I had a fit of tweaking, but I think it's good to go now. I notice we seem to have two 'nominate features' forums and I have looked but still not found the actual features one. I probably just need to go explore the castle a bit more :) Regards,...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 29, 2019 6:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: of spotless ways of despair
Replies: 4
Views: 473

Re: of spotless ways of despair

This is quite something river - I have never seen anything like it but then I am not that widely read. Do you have any specific influences? Elsewhere you have mentioned your interest in the no-man's-land between languages - presumably Portuguese and English. I like the relentless tone, the inventive...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 29, 2019 3:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 769

Re: leave a message

My best friend is a GP who wishes he wasn't, so maybe I am picking up on that vibe. Without the fugue state puzzle this becomes a bit tame. Sometimes it is the things that don't quite work on the surface that make a poem tick, keep drawing the reader back. Poetry is precise but language isn't . . . ...
by bjondon
Sat Apr 27, 2019 1:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 413

Re: The Rising and the Shining

Thanks for partially rescuing this Tony.
Tristan and mac . . . glad you are responding
and pointing where I have miscued.
A revision should be up any moment soon.
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Onlie Begetter (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 613

Re: The Onlie Begetter (V2)

Thanks Pauline and Perry . . . I can see I'm not going to convert you hardcore romantics but you might get something from this brilliant poetry foundation page on Kurt Schwitter's 'Ursonate' - according to them the greatest sound poem of the 20th century . . . https://www.poetryfoundation.org/harrie...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 6:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 733

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Brilliant! - the very one . . . it's a while since I've read that
. . . I wonder where? Knew I was asking the right man :)
The other four on that site are pretty good too.
Thanks mac.
J
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 4:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Dancing Girl (new ending)
Replies: 13
Views: 536

Re: Dancing Girl

Hi Perry, I'm having difficulty buying some of the seeming assumptions behind this narrative. The pairing of this poem with your excellent Baryshnikov one is a bold and potentially successful drawing of equivalence between the psychology and aesthetic dynamics of a lap dancer/ stripper and a high ar...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 733

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

Roethke certainly runs the gamut but I'm beginning to doubt the poem I had in mind is by him . . . It's about a guy sitting on a hillside looking at the sun glinting gold off horseshit on the opposite side of the valley . . . it's drowsy and beautifully written and then deliciously thrown away in th...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 26, 2019 12:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 413

Re: The Rising and the Shining

Thanks mac . . . I suppose I am playing with the definition
and attributed weight given to desire. We both rise and shine.
J
by bjondon
Thu Apr 25, 2019 1:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Parc Cwm Darran (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 733

Re: Parc Cwm Darran

The lyrical weariness, the gear changes, the stubborn hope
do remind me of Roethke. I read it to mum and she laughed
in all the right places!
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Apr 24, 2019 8:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Fugue [was 'leave a message'] version 2
Replies: 15
Views: 769

Re: leave a message

Hi Peter, this is framed as a neat but weirdly detached conceit voicing the gulf between a doctor's professional and personal paradigm/vocabulary by ghosting his recorded telephone message with what he is apparently really thinking . . . but that doesn't quite match the opening focus on a fugue stat...