Search found 417 matches

by bjondon
Fri Oct 19, 2018 12:46 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lonely Children
Replies: 7
Views: 1008

Re: Lonely Children

Hi Perry, this is a very effective, raw, articulate piece. Ican't add much to Ray's close reading. I agree with most of the cuts he suggests. It's almost as if there are two voices here, both equally compassionate but one strange, innocent and revelatory (almost unearthly) the other more like a wise...
by bjondon
Thu Oct 18, 2018 7:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shine, Shine (was - The Problem of Being a Being)
Replies: 15
Views: 2279

Re: Heidegger's Eyes

Thank you Ross and Perry, Given the notorious difficulty of Heidegger's philosophy, parachuting him into a poem is a tad foolhardy. He is here in my appropriation mostly as an ordinary man but also representing our common cultural inheritance (which may well have mangled his original ideas). I have ...
by bjondon
Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Growth
Replies: 10
Views: 1438

Re: Growth

Hi Ray,
Four exquisite chords, tha dissonance of the last heart-wrenching.
Is there an element of mischief here with the moles though?
It would be a strange twist but life goes on in the garden,
a third facet for the title.
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2215

Re: Scrabble (revision 1)

Leaner, meaner, more mysterious.
I like it more, understand it less . . . or maybe getting closer
Enjoying the unique sounds of these (occasionally) pentametric peddlers.
Reminds me a bit of Keith Douglas.
J
by bjondon
Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Sunday
Replies: 23
Views: 2724

Re: Last Sunday

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan . . . and I thought I was the model of concise precision . . .or precise concision
J
by bjondon
Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Shining One
Replies: 5
Views: 863

Re: The Shining One

Hi churinga, I'm picking up some of the cadence and bitter sweetness of Gershwin's Summertime. It's an odd mix of song lyric rounded cliches hiding nuggets of compact meaning. I think S2 is the weak one. Could this partly be about chronic illness and an evocation of an earlier or idealised self? Jules
by bjondon
Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shine, Shine (was - The Problem of Being a Being)
Replies: 15
Views: 2279

Re: Heidegger's Eyes

Thanks Perry and mac, Most of what I know about Martin Heidegger comes from Sarah Bakewell's brilliant 'At the Existentialist's Cafe' - she dropped out of a philosophy degree course because she couldn' t handle it, then came back to it on her own terms in her 30's . . .exactly my level - the questio...
by bjondon
Tue Oct 16, 2018 6:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: You Never Lose It
Replies: 25
Views: 2541

Re: You Never Lose It

Hi Ray, This is really rocking. Like all the revisions. Second half of S2 could be punchier (I like some of Not's suggestions) I have grown fond of the way L5 forces you to pronounce imagining 'because his glasses can't be found' - isn't that guessable from the previous line? …better to have three r...
by bjondon
Tue Oct 16, 2018 5:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2215

Re: Scrabble

Hi Jackie, This is very good ... Just catching it before it falls off the board! I think It's about DNA, the creation of a life form. You don't seem to be that concerned with metre which I don't mind, it gives it a more thoughtful air, but it might be interesting to reframe it in a tighter scheme. I...
by bjondon
Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shine, Shine (was - The Problem of Being a Being)
Replies: 15
Views: 2279

Shine, Shine (was - The Problem of Being a Being)

I wish I could believe in a higher being That would be so grounding To fall down on my knees five times a day And really, really hear my soul resounding Said soul smirks up : All transcendence is sex Heidegger's hacked the skies, look into my eyes Sublimity's clowns - that's you and me, honey - We'v...
by bjondon
Mon Oct 15, 2018 5:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Sunday
Replies: 23
Views: 2724

Re: Last Sunday

I feel sure the narrator is in a car (the mud line is the clue), probably an SUV, certainly with Dr Freud in the back seat taking notes. The passing vehicles, one teasingly withheld, the other metaphorical, make that last train image even more briliant. Something bugged the N last sunday, he's chewi...
by bjondon
Sun Oct 14, 2018 10:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 2335

Re: Box Moth (V3)

Yay! I just fluked my first sonnet! And thanks for that last line, I couldn't handle the capital M but the phrase cuts so elegantly to the heart of Tyger (one theory anyway!) I am hanging on to the 'And' for the moment . I think it gives an extra reversal in the meaning, has an almost police procedu...
by bjondon
Sun Oct 14, 2018 5:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: a day in the garden
Replies: 6
Views: 1177

Re: a day in the garden

Hi Summe, my only queries are the use of capitals at line beginnings where not needed. This is so conversational and I think the line breaks do all the work. Also the first italics on 'they'… while that works for the emphasis when reading it I think it gives some unnecessary special identity to 'the...
by bjondon
Sun Oct 14, 2018 4:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 2335

Re: Box Moth (V3)

Stolen!
. . .what do you think?

Did someone say there is no such thing as good poetry, just good poems.
. . .so till the groundstudy the craft and expect the unexpected?
I really hate yellow roses, would never dream of buying one :lol:

Regards Jules
by bjondon
Sat Oct 13, 2018 8:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 2335

Re: Box Moth (V3)

I was aiming for 'spanner in the works' sonics (thinking of Tyger's rogue spondee) but thinking harder I stoped at outcast but finally went for'outlust'. Yes I think the casual idea didn't need repeating and then my simple things also came to seem redundent, flat. So throwing caution to the wind hav...
by bjondon
Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 2335

Re: Box Moth (V1.2)

Thank you Tristan and mac,

revision posted.
Unpulled punches is what I'm here for. :P
'fair and square' inexcusable.
Tempted by Icarus, will think about it.
Wondering if insomnia confers evolutionary advantages . . .
. . .I am going through my Valerian phase!

Regards, Jules
by bjondon
Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Mothed
Replies: 3
Views: 878

Re: Moths in Boxes

I don't think the composite idea is working so have separated new top piece and changed the title. Perry, I take your point. I too find this format can be a bit twee and irritating, plus it changes and diminishes the impact of the line breaks. The next step would be to put it in a fancy font on top ...
by bjondon
Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Silence ( after Emily Dickinson)
Replies: 15
Views: 2331

Re: Silence ( after Emily Dickinson)

Imagine a couplet generator Select beats, click profound Keep stacking, think raw burgers Stanza's cooked when you hear this sound Nevertheless . . . this one keeps growing. Blistering quotes mac. Those four end words like home bases. At least three metaphors wrestling here, but somehow still works. J
by bjondon
Tue Oct 09, 2018 11:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Silence ( after Emily Dickinson)
Replies: 15
Views: 2331

Re: Silence ( after Emily Dickinson)

Hi ton, this is a fine foursome. It actually sent a shiver up my spine. Your haunting logic reminds me of Dickinson's odd, sideways on way of thinking. While 'after' conventionally means 'in the style of' I think you are using it in a quite specific and different sense. The extra space after the fir...
by bjondon
Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Mothed
Replies: 3
Views: 878

Box Mothed

there's a fine line currently hung with frass between humanity's hot pursuits time , space , mass carving greenery and greenery's carvery patient , rapacious , heavy waiting to ride an ass ============================================================================================== Humans are gett...
by bjondon
Mon Oct 08, 2018 11:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 2335

Re: Box Moth (V1.1)

Thank you Mac, Perry, Mb, Binz, Honour and David, My insomniac brain, my insomniac brain has a tendency to repeat and hone, phrases swirling around, whatever is on my mind that day that night. At a certain point, it occurred to me, that my explanation of this poem, was clearer and somehow more metri...
by bjondon
Sun Oct 07, 2018 8:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: For only 85p (V2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1484

Re: For only 85p

Hi mb, ah yes, pommes de terre . . .earth's fruit sounds a bit coy, you might as well say earth's apple and drop the blooming. I was misled by the final ping - surely more characteristic of a microwave than an alarmclock. I still prefer my misinterpretation - one appliace better than three. Head dow...
by bjondon
Sat Oct 06, 2018 11:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: For only 85p (V2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1484

Re: For only 85p

Hello Mirrorball, another gardener? Loved the title and great first stanza. I would put a hyphen between fork and pricked. S2 works well, the three sequential time frames and the little ripple breaking up the rhythm of the last line. L2 in the third stanza seems a bit problematical to me. I would ha...
by bjondon
Sat Oct 06, 2018 8:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Box Moth (V3.5)
Replies: 21
Views: 2335

Re: Box Moth (V2)

Thank you Mac and Perry.
Hands up to the Blake, last resort of a scoundrel.
And yes, the fox is wrong. Have replaced with 'outwit'.
A fuller explanation in my somewhat unconventional makeover V2.

Regards, Jules
by bjondon
Sat Oct 06, 2018 1:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: At Landsort
Replies: 19
Views: 1365

Re: At Landsort

Hi David, thanks for introducing me to the Stockholm Archipelago. Poetry is a form of fiction but it seems to matter that you were actually there doing your bit. First four stanzas perfect, really lovely. On forced and multi-syllabic rhymes - didn't Betjeman do something similar? …his element of par...