Search found 659 matches

by bjondon
Wed Jan 29, 2020 6:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Grandpa
Replies: 10
Views: 1684

Re: Grandpa

Hi Jackie - enjoyed both your recent posts (this and Caravan) - I can't claim to 'get' either of them but both gift the reader with enough to beguile and then proceed to confound in so many seemingly specific and curious ways I keep coming back to them. I know you are interested in Keith Douglas who...
by bjondon
Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Superman (final)
Replies: 9
Views: 1108

Re: Superman (revised)

Hi Perry, the first two stanzas of the revision are an improvement but I think the other changes go backwards. I like these strange ramblings of Mr Kent, though I agree with Ray the Trump and global warming refs break the spell. There is a kind of latent Trumpishness in here, maybe do something more...
by bjondon
Fri Jan 17, 2020 1:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 2155

Re: Curiosity

Excellent Not, the title swells as the cat shrinks.
'the industry' feels like it's the subject of that sentence
so 'become black' is awkward to my ear, but 'becoming black'
might cover it.
'inbetween' - one word? (and a typo in the line above).

Best,
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)
Replies: 16
Views: 1485

Re: All the Little Coasts of America

Boom boom! Very funny Ray, I might steal that :)
Jackie - I think of it as a collision between two found systems, or maybe a poem in a strait jacket.
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)
Replies: 16
Views: 1485

All the Little Coasts of America (Revision)

https://i.postimg.cc/vHcGjSpw/americaallthelittle2.jpg Original All the little coasts of America · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · (Costa Rica) All of them orphans · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · (No Panama) Their tongue-tied syllables · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · (Clumsier and...
by bjondon
Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke
Replies: 7
Views: 1037

Re: Smoke

It's an odd last line. All the other stanzas end on two beats, this has two and a half or three, with that mushy word 'some'. It's a change of pace, a dying fall, so maybe it works. That's my only stumble. There are two or three other disconnects in the flow of sense/grammar but they all work for me...
by bjondon
Wed Jan 15, 2020 1:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Butterfly Approach
Replies: 3
Views: 379

Re: The Butterfly Approach

It all works well for me, quite a sinister but also vulnerable feel.
Not sure if repeating the 'Make sure you catch…' line four times
is one two many. I f you swap it for the 'Make sure you keep eating…' line
in S5 it's more symmetrical (aa,bb,ab).
Jules
by bjondon
Tue Jan 14, 2020 2:38 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: The Dawntreader
Replies: 7
Views: 879

Re: The Dawntreader

Great news Not.
Isn't that Indigo Dreams? - an inspiring little publisher.
I remember sarcophagus.
Jules
by bjondon
Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Permacultural
Replies: 5
Views: 663

Re: Permacultural

Haha! Thank you for bursting my balloon Tony :) you are closest to the mark. This is not exactly Jeremy Clarkson's Gardening Special but yes, the N is celebrating both grumpiness and the wildness of his garden, body, life. mac - really like your line by line analysis. The 'our', 'we' opens it out to...
by bjondon
Mon Jan 13, 2020 4:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Milk Thief
Replies: 5
Views: 497

Re: The Milk Thief

Hi Poet, I like it. It might be one of your best. It has a feeling of danger both for the narrator and the reader. You could try tidying up the syntax but I think the uncomfortable, unconventional wording is part of what gives it an edge. So, for example that first line - I sneak to go and drink mil...
by bjondon
Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 994

Re: Mistaken Identity

Hi Eira, I'd vote for 'as is' until L12 - you're trying to pack a lot of history and meaning into that line - 'immersed' is very good but 'buoyed up' follows on too quickly. I'd suggest something like: 'for long immune to love/words from kindly folk' L13 is good but I agree the last three lines are ...
by bjondon
Sat Jan 11, 2020 6:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Short of the Moon (V3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1150

Re: Short of the Moon (V3)

Thanks lotus, Not and mac and apologies for my slo-mo responses, lotus - thanks for your sensitive comment - we are lucky to have you here Not - thanks for staying with this. Coming back to it now I am reasonably happy with it (good call on the comma after Mum) - the main question being those quirky...
by bjondon
Fri Jan 10, 2020 2:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Safe Sex
Replies: 9
Views: 794

Re: Courtship

She sounds like she's walked out of a bonk buster novel, whereas he's wandered out of a Dickens . . . poor old buffer.

It starts like a limerick - any mileage in that?

Jules

Title : 'Free Love'?
by bjondon
Thu Jan 09, 2020 5:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Permacultural
Replies: 5
Views: 663

Permacultural

Our permacultural patch is filling up with
God-Knows-What
quite a bit of Probably-Dead
no small amount of What-the-Hell-is-That
its saving grace a bed of How-Did-That-Get-There
We prune and snarl with glee
uncertify the season
dig the you
of me
by bjondon
Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe
Replies: 12
Views: 1014

Re: If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe

Thanks for coming back Not,
one man's sentence structure … it all seems crystal clear to me.
Having said that I suspect I may return in 6months for my D'oh! moment :)
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I found myself there
Replies: 7
Views: 952

Re: I found myself there

Hi camus -very zeitgeisty.
I get the 'then to avoidance' line (maybe 'Then')
but it's a bit dry - maybe 'Cut to avoidance'
or 'Then to misdirection'.
But definitely throwing off a few sparks.
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysanthemum
Replies: 5
Views: 511

Re: Chrysanthemum

Hi Tony,
the revision is much better. It makes sense to me, but gives
the impression there was a long term relationship - they are behaving
like a couple.
If you want to indicate an ending perhaps they could both
be signing themselves out.
Liked especially the line 'your stole silently'

Jules
by bjondon
Wed Jan 08, 2020 12:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe
Replies: 12
Views: 1014

Re: Plumbing Without Tears ~ Landlocked Eurasia

Thanks Not and mac, a revision up, hopefully with a better flow . I can visualise the map if not the plumbing. Yes, Not similarly stumbles . . . I could switch to 'cave systems' but I liked the domestic/natural play, the shift in scale, the oppertunity to characterize a parade of plumbers. ps just r...
by bjondon
Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Promise
Replies: 2
Views: 400

Re: Promise

Hi Liliaea, I like the unconventional way you use full stops - a sort of reinvention of the line break. The first three lines work best for me - two beats on the first mini section/sentence and then a longer rhythmic run on. L4 - 'slowly but surely' is too much of a cliché for me and the rhythm feel...
by bjondon
Sat Jan 04, 2020 2:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1507

Re: Christmas Remembrance

Hi Eira! - delicate and surprising, even better on the second reading. I think the first time I was fighting the hackneyed nature of the theme but you've rescued it with the subtle and specific details, the quiet, playful chiming of sonics. All I would change is the last two triplets, you tell us of...
by bjondon
Thu Jan 02, 2020 4:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: An Aging Rhyme
Replies: 5
Views: 751

Re: An Aging Rhyme

Hi Sid, this has a gentle quality. I can imagine it being chanted as a prayer. It states the simple facts, so I feel the cynicism of 'pantomime' undermines it a little. And the repetition of 'twine' niggled a bit, though the assonance of 'weave/squeeze' works well. I think the more gentle and innoce...
by bjondon
Thu Jan 02, 2020 1:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe
Replies: 12
Views: 1014

Re: Plumbing Without Tears ~ Landlocked Eurasia

Inspired Not - I especially liked 'as the crow drives' - conjuring a very determined nun in a cinquecento. I'm using a sort of memory palace system - the brain soaks up stories but bridles at abstract names and shapes - so the corny word plays should lead ineluctably to the hard data and in theory t...
by bjondon
Wed Jan 01, 2020 3:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe
Replies: 12
Views: 1014

Re: Plumbing Without Tears ~ Landlocked Eurasia

Thanks Poet and Not, Poet - Spike Milligan is a good connection. His rhymes are childish and silly, but they do stick in the mind, and seem to have a life of their own, which is exactly what I want here. Not - This is a word atlas for the map blind - I figured I could recruit a few big name countrie...
by bjondon
Tue Dec 31, 2019 3:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe
Replies: 12
Views: 1014

If Poetry Could Hold Water : The Landlockeds of Europe

If Switzerland was a giant white sink; floating high above her, a luxury bar of Luxembourg; the light shining from her plughole, Liechtenstein and the pipe heading eastward, Austria; and if that pipe opened to a vast sump, facing a triple-stacked outflow Then, the exit up top would lead to immediate...
by bjondon
Mon Dec 30, 2019 6:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shelley in Sainsbury's - Manchester 2019 (V3)
Replies: 10
Views: 1668

Re: Shelley in Sainsbury's - Manchester 2019 (V3)

Hi Poet, it was supposed to be a sort of state of the nation thing, England in 2019, an echo of Shelley's poem 'England in 1819'.
Yes, I agree, it's a convoluted mess!
Jules