Search found 422 matches

by bjondon
Wed Jun 19, 2019 6:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Kensal Town Evensong V4
Replies: 15
Views: 360

Re: Kensal Town Evensong V4

Good point David. . . V's 2 and 3, failed soufflés,
somehow just not the right ingredients. And the
final two lines of V1 were essentially redundant.
Still debating slip v slide . . . 'slide' is in its way quite
ugly, but that works in its favour here . . . I think.
Jules
by bjondon
Wed Jun 19, 2019 4:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Old Hippy V7
Replies: 24
Views: 764

Re: I was turning 13 (V4) Portobello Road

Thanks Poet and Not . . . ok, I've worked on this a bit . . . mostly by performing/recording (plan to hit you with the video soon :) ) Yeah, it was a bit too Billy Joel, but aiming for a sweet and slightly quieter spot in the middle . . . and I do think this is my voice . . . one of my voices(!) Jules
by bjondon
Tue Jun 18, 2019 4:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Kensal Town Evensong V4
Replies: 15
Views: 360

Re: Kensal Town Evensong V3

Thanks Not, Poet and barrett, … this is why I hurl my first drafts up! …enjoying the split opinions here. Not - thanks for 'slip' which is definitely better than 'slide', and 'Evensong' … though I'm a bit wary of the C of E Poet - I'm glad you liked the opening of V2 and the canal line barrett - I h...
by bjondon
Sun Jun 16, 2019 4:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Kensal Town Evensong V4
Replies: 15
Views: 360

Kensal Town Evensong V4

clouds slide the evening sky like sauce down a bottle dregs of the long day the bottle left up- turned on the table so slow you wouldn't know V3 Clouds slip the evening's high So slow you wouldn't know Parakeets streak by Oi! Oi! is what they say Balanced by me on its lid My my my sauce bottle sky ...
by bjondon
Sun Jun 16, 2019 4:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brent Aubade
Replies: 19
Views: 783

Re: Brent Aubade V4

Thanks Poet, Geoff and barrett, Poet - Yes, leaving 'extraordinary' on its own at the end was the riskiest part of this poem. I think of it like a chef's 'special', or just that it's so extraordinary it can't be put into words . . . a kind of silence for the reader to fill Geoff - Thanks for the thu...
by bjondon
Sun Jun 16, 2019 12:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Wounded knees
Replies: 8
Views: 196

Re: Wounded knees

Yay! Go Frank!
He would definitely pause and check Betty wasn't listening
before saying 'arse'.
bj
by bjondon
Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Squid
Replies: 21
Views: 1535

Re: Squid

An interesting, and if my interp is right, daring piece. The first stanza is superb, wouldn't change anything. The tone seems world weary and self-disgusted or self -disappointed (though without the last line it is just possible to read the N as female which would change everything). To me that 'syl...
by bjondon
Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: (SHA 5) The Stretcher Bearers Wore Grey (v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1138

Re: (SHA 5) The Stretcher Bearers Wore Grey

Tommies was definitely the word thay would have used and interesting that they didn't seem to have or admit to having derogatory names for the brits. I think putting Tommies in inverted commas after the opening 'Four' would be a good clue. I'm not sure the average reader sees the colour grey as bein...
by bjondon
Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: (SHA 5) The Stretcher Bearers Wore Grey (v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1138

Re: (SHA 5) The Stretcher Bearers Wore Grey

What wa the german term for the british then?
Including that word somewhere in L1 would help.
I do like the first three lines. They could be a separate stanza.
J
by bjondon
Thu Jun 13, 2019 3:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Swan & The Hawk
Replies: 7
Views: 163

Re: The Swan & The Hawk

I like the 'hokum' … it brings us right round
to the possibility that this is about a relationship.
Excellent work.
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Jun 13, 2019 3:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Wounded knees
Replies: 8
Views: 196

Re: Wounded knees

I like it - both violent and wry and beautifully paced - so kind of appropriate.
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: DRAGONBOUGH
Replies: 13
Views: 244

Re: DRAGONBOUGH

I wonder if you could take this further : next frame shows Rupert Bear
himself behind the camera (I'm sure you've got the outfit somewhere :) )
Jules
by bjondon
Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A reluctant dog and dutiful owners (revision4)
Replies: 22
Views: 375

Re: A reluctant dog and dutiful owners (revision2)

Hi mac, I loved the fact in the first two versions that the dog featured in the title but nowhere other than implied in the poem. Also I take the implication that it's quite romantic that even though it's lousy weather and a duty call they both go out together. I have to say I preferred the original...
by bjondon
Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Frame On This Fair Earth Gainst Foes My Malice (was 'Chagrin')
Replies: 3
Views: 125

Frame On This Fair Earth Gainst Foes My Malice (was 'Chagrin')

Physicists lump-hammer what remains of science into mere collections of mere stamps, with little distinction between yet more mud and fine crafted faience. Yet mathematicians look askance at the theoretical bouquets blooming from their physical chumps, heads all sprouting a curious branch of contemp...
by bjondon
Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: the strange craft of autumn
Replies: 5
Views: 178

Re: the strange craft of autumn

ah, the woe of autumn! For all its scientific underpinning the mood is quite romantic and self-dramatising. And of course full of your usual brilliant concoctions and wilful perplexities. The 'woe is me, we all come to nothing' refrain feels more like a suit of clothing, maybe a character in a play....
by bjondon
Mon Jun 10, 2019 2:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Where Are You? Are You There For Me?
Replies: 17
Views: 271

Re: Where Are You? Are You There For Me?

Hi Poet, some interesting use of language here. I like the phrase 'the smallest pockets of sky' With nothing being quite where or what we expect here I find myself wondering what this 'I' of the narrator is . . . perhaps an animal or plant or even extra-terrestrial. It addresses us as 'my lovers' ye...
by bjondon
Sun Jun 09, 2019 5:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Old Hippy V7
Replies: 24
Views: 764

Re: Portobello Road V3 (was The Market)

Ha ha! …maybe I had a lucky escape.
Pleased to meet you.
Yes, a missed opportunity for a bit of extra pungency,
have added my choice of synonym.

I take your point about Difford's voice.
V3 may actually owe more to Billy Joel
and that little fire he didn't start.

Jules
by bjondon
Sun Jun 09, 2019 3:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Old Hippy V7
Replies: 24
Views: 764

Re: Portobello Road V3 (was The Market)

Thanks Not, mac and Perry . . . Not - Do we or do we Not make a great team? I didn't think a further revision was on the cards but a combination of your disappointment and the particular rabbit hole of Squeeze and Chris Difford -the writer of Up the Junction (the lyrics even better than I remembered...
by bjondon
Sat Jun 08, 2019 8:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Old Hippy V7
Replies: 24
Views: 764

Re: The Market V2 (was Portobello Road)

Thanks Not, mac and JJ - V2 up. JJ - yes, those caps were irritating me too! Glad you like this . I was aiming for always another quirky turn in the long and winding sentence to simulate the actual road but it wasn't quite working. 'the hood' is an americanism adopted with brazen hypocrisy by the ub...
by bjondon
Sat Jun 08, 2019 1:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking for Satoshi
Replies: 5
Views: 416

Re: Looking for Satoshi

Hi Ton, there's something missing from this, but I like the machine rhythm - essence of the piece. L4 'zero hour' breaks that back-weighted foot, intentionally I'm sure, but it doesn't feel quite right to me - you could add 'it's the' or 'you're the'? The hyphens are good (links in the chain) but a ...
by bjondon
Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brent Aubade
Replies: 19
Views: 783

Re: Aubade (was The First Day / Broken)

I'll take your rise, and your bird order switch. I will stick with the archetypal feel of Aubade. Actually I used to live in Camden and don't remember hearing many blackbirds. Plenty of pigeons. I was using capitals purely to indicate a new sentence, and specifically in L2 to avoid the easy confusio...
by bjondon
Fri Jun 07, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: My friend married a vegetarian Catholic (revised)
Replies: 13
Views: 563

Re: My friend married a vegetarian Catholic (revised)

Foregrounding empathy as a primary poetic purpose seems like a good idea to me. The key to tolerance, which I think we all want more of, is understanding ('walking a mile') - and the imaginative understanding of the curious and wide-ranging poet can perhaps make a real social contribution. I think h...
by bjondon
Fri Jun 07, 2019 2:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brent Aubade
Replies: 19
Views: 783

Re: The First Day (previously 'Broken')

Thanks for coming back Not and Leaf . . . a little further wiki-digging reveals the rolling piano as actually Rick Wakeman (who just happened to be in the studio at the time and only got paid ten quid). 'Fractured Hymnal' is worthy of a poem, but like 'Urban Aubade' and 'Broken' they all, as you sai...
by bjondon
Thu Jun 06, 2019 2:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Brent Aubade
Replies: 19
Views: 783

Re: The First Day (previously 'Broken')

Glad you like this Leaf . . . you have picked up that the subsong is Cat Stevens' magnificent 'Morning has broken'. [back edit : ok, it's just clicked that he nicked both the tune and lyrics . . . but he did invent that brilliant rolling piano stanza break and intro, maybe] Violence and The Grim Rea...
by bjondon
Wed Jun 05, 2019 2:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Old Hippy V7
Replies: 24
Views: 764

Re: Portobello

Hmm . . . I don't know if it's good poetry or bad poetry to collapse time like that . . . it's genuinely how I remember it and in fact the term Rachmanism wasn't coined until three years after he died and it had sort of entered the language and become part of the general conversation by say '72 when...