Search found 659 matches

by bjondon
Sat Oct 19, 2019 2:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To Be Hunted by Her (V3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1263

Re: To Be Hunted by Her (V2)

Thanks mac, Tristan and Ray, glad this one seems to be working (almost). A V2 up. mac - the 'roar' was questioned - does the opening quote do the trick? Tristan - I agree about 'Nice' - have reconfigured Ray - good call on the change of footwork. In the end I decided I didn't need the 'Nice' - I've ...
by bjondon
Thu Oct 17, 2019 9:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rapture (was In the Air & was Springing) (rev 3)
Replies: 20
Views: 2790

Re: Rapture (was In the Air & was Springing) (rev 2)

Oh, how interesting. I thought the italicized 'how' in L4 did the trick (a very elegant solution). But was dead set against nerveless, frenzied, fevered, even reclaimed - which all seemed way OTT and too rhetorical, too poetic for how I was reading it . . . But dang, mac's realignment works! - It's ...
by bjondon
Thu Oct 17, 2019 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To Be Hunted by Her (V3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1263

To Be Hunted by Her (V3)

Most D inosaur of all the J ay - when she roars Such muscled manipulation of S pace - so many A ngles From which she takes the T ree - so coarse The R isen C rest - the jutting of her N eck - the necessary J ab - No bird was ever so . . . . . . . . . . N ice [ii]V2[/i] Garrulus Glandaris The voice :...
by bjondon
Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Day Without Shadows
Replies: 25
Views: 2583

Re: A Day Without Shadows

Hi Not - before you turn the lock . . . The consensus seems to be S1-3 are spot on. I agree, though I'm not sure about the tautology of 'as the waspish rope stings' (maybe strikes, lands or hits?) For me 'the other boy' in S3 could easily be a disassociated version of the N. You said there are three...
by bjondon
Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1678

Cat Long (revision)

There's more than one way to skin a cat to swing a cat, to scam a cat to dress a cat, to break a cat down to bring a cat to book, to make a bad cat come good, to turn a cat to get inside a cat's flaps, to become the top cat in the cattiest of all towns Such a cat spits in the winds sits in the super...
by bjondon
Sun Oct 13, 2019 8:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rapture (was In the Air & was Springing) (rev 3)
Replies: 20
Views: 2790

Re: In the Air ( was Springing) (revision)

Hi JJ - IPTO . . . missing both the aching grass and the thirsty skies. I loved this when you first put it up - it's definitely something special. For me what works is that you've hit this weird sweet spot where the N seems to be both intensely practical and intensely romantic - trim the gruff pract...
by bjondon
Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flamboyant
Replies: 14
Views: 2317

Re: Flamboyant

Continue to be intrigued by this one Jackie, though I think the reader needs at least one more clue. There's a great triolet by Hardy: Around the house the flakes fly faster, And all the berries now are gone From holly and cotoneaster Around the house. The flakes fly! - faster Shutting indoors the c...
by bjondon
Sat Oct 12, 2019 6:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Livestock
Replies: 11
Views: 1403

Re: Livestock

First five stanzas brilliant. 'keep a lid on' is way better than 'moderate' - the meaning was clear (i.e. 'limit') plus the bonus image of a giant stockpot. Loved the Satan slant rhyme (made me think of seitan) 'they're entitled to be free' - a bit limp S6-9 weak by comparison - we don't need the op...
by bjondon
Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flamboyant
Replies: 14
Views: 2317

Re: Flamboyant

Hi Jackie, a strong and mysterious piece. I'm still struggling a bit with the mystery. I like the poetic flags planted on the words 'flam boy ant' and 'cut lass '. It feels like a feminist or female celebration/claiming of space with a sense of wonder about this 'perfect stranger'. My best bet for t...
by bjondon
Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:56 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Califragile
Replies: 10
Views: 2038

Re: Califragile

What a wonderful name for a little cupboard of poems.
Yours sits very well there mac.
I liked the Julian Dobson one too.
Best,
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: pure waste (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 934

Re: pure waste (*revision)

Coming back after the break it is dawning on me that this is about information theory and entropy. Each cycle of stone/glass/verb some sort of complete lifecycle whether of an individual organism, culture or star system. It may have been your comments at the end about the 'need for waste' and ways o...
by bjondon
Wed Oct 02, 2019 10:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: pure waste (revision)
Replies: 4
Views: 934

Re: pure waste (*revision)

Hi river, I like the title, it's both a paradox and a term of abuse that might be applied to the stone throwing vandal. It's also the kind of phrase that might be latched onto by people trying to justify or incite racism. I like the formality of the recurring image of the stone going through the gla...
by bjondon
Mon Sep 30, 2019 10:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Adelphophagy (v6)
Replies: 17
Views: 1927

Re: Adelphophagy (v6)

Hi Not, I'd go with a full stop after womb-black. If you feel you need that sea reference at the start, maybe 'matriarchal sea' instead of 'sea of her' (which almost sounds too affectionate). If you drop the sea you could move 'gorged' up to L2. 'unformed' nicely shadows 'uniformed' (for me!) Should...
by bjondon
Mon Sep 30, 2019 8:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Singing saw
Replies: 9
Views: 1059

Re: Singing saw

Yes, I like the blood too but not the twilight zone which just seems too facile as an arrival point . . . maybe it could work framed as a deflating comment, someone jollying their friends as they step out of the trance. Ray's suggestion for L1 - was it ironic? I don't think so, for me that would mak...
by bjondon
Sun Sep 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: My Art
Replies: 5
Views: 893

Re: My Art

Thanks Not, David, mac and JJ - pleased everyone enjoyed this I have tinkered a tiny bit, agreeing with mac the second 'prefer' is a tiny bit clunky - 'like' its strongest contender, but 'room temperature' is a late addition to the whole metaphorical trifle so I don't want to add too much to that. T...
by bjondon
Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Control Room July 7th 2018
Replies: 4
Views: 553

Re: Control Room July 7th 2018

Really like this brokenbridge. I'm ok with the Capitalization, like the use of punctuation throughout. The linebreaks are all good, but maybe there's another form waiting for it. It's basically perfect . . . maybe 7 lines from the end I would go - '... It was your voice - soft' Some really interesti...
by bjondon
Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: My Art
Replies: 5
Views: 893

My Art

My art has gone cold I prefer it that way I used to up-end spoons In a complicated array Revolve them at regular intervals And with burnt fingertips pay My dad drinks his straight Takes pride in a scalded throat My mum only drinks coffee as she says It always hits the perfect note I find mugs under ...
by bjondon
Fri Sep 27, 2019 7:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Blues & Pinks (V2 formerly Let Yourself Go)
Replies: 14
Views: 1501

Re: The Blues & Pinks (V2 formerly Let Yourself Go)

Thanks guys :) Poet - 'jowls' are the floppy bits on the sides of old people's jaws The theme of the poem is the rules of attractiveness in society - particularly how agism and sexiism combine to create the perfect storm. BUT, this whole subject may be a pay grade or two above my level. I do think i...
by bjondon
Wed Sep 25, 2019 6:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Goat
Replies: 9
Views: 978

Re: Goat

I hope this is a political analogy, though it didn't feel as itchy as the other 3 out of 4 last posts. Given a necessary poetic strategy of plausible deniability I wouldn't expect you to confirm either way. Performance art sans camera crew is perhaps the most ephemeral of all art forms - so this guy...
by bjondon
Wed Sep 25, 2019 5:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Politics of Envy V4 (formerly ~ I Feel Sorry For The Rich)
Replies: 8
Views: 857

Re: I Feel Sorry For The Rich (re-vision)

Thanks Ray and mac, yes, the revision is pretty awful . . . what was I thinking! You are right mac, the rhetorical 'they' plays to an audience . . . I think I will stick to that, just work a bit harder and let it bed down before I hurl my next revision up. Both you and Ray seem to think there is som...
by bjondon
Mon Sep 23, 2019 9:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Politics of Envy V4 (formerly ~ I Feel Sorry For The Rich)
Replies: 8
Views: 857

Re: I Feel Sorry For The Rich

hi Jules, To generalise, I suspect they have more time to socialise, travel and consume, than those with hours consumed by the workplace. Though perhaps they spend most of their time making money, rather than being idle, and therefore enrich the hordes (I've been reading the Daily Telegraph :) ) en...
by bjondon
Mon Sep 23, 2019 8:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Politics of Envy V4 (formerly ~ I Feel Sorry For The Rich)
Replies: 8
Views: 857

Re: I Feel Sorry For The Rich

I understand the irony of the poem; my only problem is that if they (the rich) had to recover from the catchings of being rich I’m sure they would. So the ending doesn’t quite work for me. I do like the idea though of feeling sorry for them for what they are missing out on because of what being ric...
by bjondon
Mon Sep 23, 2019 12:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I'll Keep It With Mine
Replies: 6
Views: 872

Re: I'll Keep It With Mine

Hi David - yes, I love the play between the genteel fatherly voice here and Dylan's loquacious obliquities - that have the capacity to be endlessly repurposed - here the nod to the N's youth and the generous, wry inclusion of his/her son's/daughter's devastation at being dumped.
J
by bjondon
Sun Sep 22, 2019 6:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Art Lover (revision3)
Replies: 21
Views: 2092

Re: Art Lover

Final tweak territory? The last line keeps striking me as a bit glib (just the 'and so do brides') We are being gifted this additional piece of biography, but the tone feels a bit wrong to me, the repetition unearned. One possibility : 'and so do I' I got the constricted, boxed in sense of city life...