Search found 422 matches

by bjondon
Mon Apr 15, 2019 1:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 895

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Hi Joao - liking V4 Some judicious workshopping going on. Glad you returned to 'on watch', and the closing sentence works much better now; something to do with the preceding 'pounding of false paces', plus giving it it's own two lines to breathe in and the whole new format. L6 - 'seething' breaks th...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)
Replies: 14
Views: 740

Re: Lycorine in the Living Room (revised)

Hi mac, so many layers to this! I am starting to recognize this garden - a sort of troubled eden - but hopeful too - would make a great mini collection. My micro-niggle with 'bows' in V1 seems to have been solved in V2 with the addition of 'humbles and' Lycorine is an ugly word, but distinctive (hin...
by bjondon
Fri Apr 12, 2019 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tribbles (revised)
Replies: 16
Views: 506

Re: Tribbles

Hi JJ, when I was at art college there was this guy who developed an entire artistic cosmology around his hatred of cushions . . . . he prowled around the building secretly cushioning everything . . . his two greatest triumphs were to cushion a grass verge (beautifully customised hand made cushionin...
by bjondon
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Interplanetary Love (revision 4)
Replies: 28
Views: 804

Re: Interplanetary Love

Hi JJ,
brilliant title . . . What happens if this is made declamatory
e.g. 'Sister dear . . .'? It just feels there is a strongly felt recipient and
it might gain from being more directional . . . It somehow reminds me
of WS's dark lady
Jules
by bjondon
Sun Apr 07, 2019 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 536

Re: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

Really useful crits - thank you especially Not and Joao. Perry - I know 'enigmatic' in your book is code for 'failed' - actually this is a completely literal poem (words will have their way though) … If you drop by again I hope you find V2/3 a bit clearer. lotus - queen of the disharmonic union :) …...
by bjondon
Sat Apr 06, 2019 7:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Second Cup Of Coffee
Replies: 8
Views: 884

Re: Second Cup Of Coffee

Enjoyed getting lost in this one lotus,
- the spacing (in : of : the)
- the commodities (coffee : pistachios : silk)
- the three S's (second cup : silk route : silent lotus)
- the elements (rain : rainbows : moss).
Regards,
Jules
by bjondon
Fri Apr 05, 2019 6:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Lapsed Catholic at Prayer
Replies: 7
Views: 337

Re: A Lapsed Catholic at Prayer

Hi Charles, - an excellent conceit and well followed through. I especially like the chippy energy of the first 4 stanzas. Not too sure about Plato . . . I suppose it gives a hellenic angle on the N and taking your foot off the pedal here is good tone-wise but 'it's just not how it's done these days'...
by bjondon
Thu Apr 04, 2019 6:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 895

Re: The Hypochondriac (Revised)

Hi Joao, this is definitely tightening up nicely. 'My days are spent on watch' - I like 'on' aot 'in' but spent seems like the wrong verb . . . maybe something to conjure the watches on board a ship or submarine? 'my breathless nights'? (to mirror 'my days') 'the gurgle of garrotted blood' is suitab...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 01, 2019 10:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 536

Re: The Signal Getting Clearer

Winders all
by bjondon
Mon Apr 01, 2019 9:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The parishioners’ trail (tweaked)
Replies: 10
Views: 542

Re: The parishioners’ trail

A scything . . . hope you don't mind Look closely at this strange arboreal procession threading through mist to the church’s dislocated spire, willowy ghosts of the weekly pilgrimage through fields, dutiful, obedient in hope of resurrection, of being reborn. They appeared one day in January, rootsto...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')
Replies: 11
Views: 536

The Board V3 (was 'The Signal Getting Clearer')

I sleep on a drawing board. One of two in this strange house - and seasoned sublimely. (But I leap forward- the mice run under!) So, bed, I note your riddled corners (Daddy's younger thumbs) and gobs of rabbit glue, milky white and brittle. That spray of pinholes, each one such resolution, drawings ...
by bjondon
Mon Apr 01, 2019 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Good Old Fashioned Courage v4.
Replies: 23
Views: 1589

Re: Good Old Fashioned Courage

Is this 'lesser man' a toddler, the 'I pray thee, lady' his mum?
If however in addition an extended political metaphor
I might not be so keen on it.
Jules
by bjondon
Sat Mar 30, 2019 2:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweet
Replies: 10
Views: 492

Re: Sweet

Oh dear!
This is about the evolution of trichromatic vision in primates!
Tristan - I hope you are laughing now :)
Thanks Perry and David for scratching your heads.
Possible spot repairs could be to begin 'We primates'
and maybe change 'two-coners' to 'two-conals'
Jules
by bjondon
Thu Mar 28, 2019 3:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Tenant
Replies: 14
Views: 692

Re: The Tenant

I like this Perry. My heart fell when I saw the length but actually it was an easy read. The rubber sword one of the best lines and I wouldn't condense those two stanzas. Semi-colons don't seem to match this relaxed vernacular style, maybe replace them with dashesor commas. The 'password' line? Perh...
by bjondon
Wed Mar 27, 2019 10:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweet
Replies: 10
Views: 492

Sweet

We guarded trees
Fought off marauders
Shed a little blood

Devoted so much time
To scouring green
Divined a whole new colour

Invented Red

The blushing dark
Of hunger's rising flood
A ratchet clicked

And how we laughed
At all the old two-coners
Bared our healthy teeth
by bjondon
Tue Mar 26, 2019 10:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Round (V2)
Replies: 14
Views: 617

Re: Round (V2)

I've just had another look and agree entirely . .. how strange
Something about the relationship with natural speech and
maybe the sense of breathlessness. Back to 'normal'.
Even wondering about the capital A now
J
by bjondon
Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Round (V2)
Replies: 14
Views: 617

Re: Round (V2)

Thank you David, . . . The Clash or the nursery round?
Tristan . . . glad you like it . Good point re that pause.
Jules
by bjondon
Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Round (V2)
Replies: 14
Views: 617

Re: Round (V2)

OK - thanks Tristan, Perry and mac - pleased you are responding to this - Very interesting how my perceptions of what is clear turn out to be mistaken. This is mostly quite a literal piece - the sound that London makes - an undifferentiated surf-like continuous hiss that starts up around 6.30 and do...
by bjondon
Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 895

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Joao, I like this - chiefly for its driving rhythm, broken up by disconcerting flutters (like the N's imagined failing heart) - the subject is self-dramatising but in this fairground-grotesque imagery - So he is being sort of held up and shown to us with ironic humour - almost in the manner of an...
by bjondon
Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: RIFF ME A ROSE (V11)
Replies: 29
Views: 1399

Re: My Big Patriarchal Poem (was O Rose) V8

A further few teaks . It may lack the metaphorical mystery of V5
but I thought it was worth a shot.
by bjondon
Sat Mar 23, 2019 7:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year (revision5)
Replies: 31
Views: 1646

Re: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year (revision4)

Hmm - an interesting revision - it does feel stronger now. S1 was redundant. Funnily enough I was going to suggest you put that rogue last line at the beginning - your more radical solution now balances the last line, the repetition of information (we have already assumed the bench must be wood, the...
by bjondon
Fri Mar 22, 2019 8:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Gleneedle Road
Replies: 16
Views: 693

Re: On Gleneedle Road

I have to say the more I read this the more I like it. 'grown garrulous' was a hit from the start, but 'between these high hedges' and 'It is only the river' - had a declamatory, high poetic feel that didn't feel justified in such a small piece . . . but it stayed and it grew. The sensory double-tak...
by bjondon
Fri Mar 22, 2019 5:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year (revision5)
Replies: 31
Views: 1646

Re: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year (revision3)

Some thoughts on the latest revision - it seems nearly there to me - the composite title my favourite so far. revision3 A salt and vinegar packet of crisps . . . . . . . salt and vinegar the essential flavour hurries across tarmac into the bloom . . . . 'scurries works for crisp packets, 'hurries' s...
by bjondon
Fri Mar 22, 2019 4:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Sensible Selfishness
Replies: 11
Views: 552

Re: Sensible Selfishness

Hi Perry, you are plumbing an interesting area here - and I like your idea of weaving these hypnotic phrases of seeming logic into a wall of self justification. My take on the show/tell debate is that it is really just a useful angle that has emerged from teachers/students of creative writing rather...
by bjondon
Fri Mar 22, 2019 2:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Round (V2)
Replies: 14
Views: 617

Round (V2)

Waking at dawn in the back streets of Kensal Rise I hear the sound of London waking: - one continuous exhale - this won't stop for nineteen hours now - braided steel and rubber chambered souls of musty air held tight as spinning tarmac surfs till long past night our drivers pause, and we breathe in ...