Search found 1840 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 26, 2020 4:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Title Changed (v4)
Replies: 15
Views: 315

Re: untitled (v2)

. Thanks for returning mac. Glad the ending works. Bringing the police into the narrative sooner is also better. Credit where it's due, mac. It was your idea. :) I'm surprise you didn't digress to the President's Men Hey, not done yet I'm still applying a crowbar to Margery, Mary and Hubbard (among...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 26, 2020 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Title Changed (v4)
Replies: 15
Views: 315

Re: untitled

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Hi mac,
thanks for the read. And the title suggestion (still mulling that one over. But it's far better than the nothing I've got.)
Macavity wrote:
Tue Aug 25, 2020 8:27 am
the writer having some fun
Absolutely ( ... and then came the revision) :)

Regards, Not


ps Uniformity (as a title?)

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by NotQuiteSure
Tue Aug 25, 2020 11:36 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hazelwood Pitch
Replies: 4
Views: 125

Re: Hazelwood Pitch

. Hi Trev. S1. I think the scene setting is a little rushed, and Carly could be explained (I''m assuming a village in Sligo). What would be the difference between a 'Carly season' and a regular 'football (or whatever the correct term is) season'? 'bruise' then 'cups of shadow' (which is nice) don't...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Aug 24, 2020 1:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Title Changed (v4)
Replies: 15
Views: 315

Title Changed (v4)

. v4b Plod's Law: A Police Procedural. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down or was he pushed and why did they go up there? Water flows from high to low so nothing needed climbing. Surely, Sarge you must agree that one or both are lying? Jill was Gill but now they'...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Aug 23, 2020 12:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Dicks and Drake
Replies: 5
Views: 178

Re: Dicks and Drake

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Amadis wrote:
Sat Aug 22, 2020 12:09 am
I like the new ending, I think it more powerful.
Thanks Amadis.

Hi Charles,
thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.


Regards both, Not


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by NotQuiteSure
Sat Aug 22, 2020 4:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Small Worlds (revision7)
Replies: 18
Views: 815

Re: Small Worlds (revision5)

. Hi mac, the ending still niggles and that 'unwind the clocks' seems too much of an Auden echo. (Could L9 be framed positively?) Does one 'hoist the sails to ... ' (as opposed to 'of' or 'for')? Our cosy rooms do not become timeless, removing clocks is a childish gesture. This sharing space - spic...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Aug 22, 2020 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Knee deep at the edge of the abyss
Replies: 9
Views: 274

Re: Knee deep at the edge of the abyss

. Hi Amadis, I'm not sure about the title (whether it gives too much away and so undercuts the ending, maybe 'paddling' for 'knee deep'?) and the final verse and a half is a little too straightforward (and who is Ernie?). Wondered, on second reading, if it might be more intriguing if told only from...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Aug 22, 2020 3:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Little Silly
Replies: 2
Views: 155

Re: A Little Silly

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Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
Yes, you're right about ii, needs a better set-up/scene setting. Will ponder.

Regards, Not


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by NotQuiteSure
Fri Aug 21, 2020 1:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Little Silly
Replies: 2
Views: 155

A Little Silly

. i. Nosey She really, really wants to ask her friend the question, just for fun: is it true you pick your nose? So why did you pick that one? ii. Exercised Walking's good and swimming too they say that jogging keeps you fit. If you've a long lead on your dog how come you're still behind it? .
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Aug 20, 2020 11:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Dicks and Drake
Replies: 5
Views: 178

Re: Dicks and Drake

. Hi Amadis. The title is a play on Ducks and Drakes (a pastime, also, to squander, to waste) with nods to Sir Francis Drake (being something of a 'national hero') and dicks (being ... well, dicks). https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/nigel-farage-kent-beach-invasion-video-anti-migrant-i...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Aug 20, 2020 11:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 329

Re: The Gardener (v4)

Macavity wrote:
Wed Aug 19, 2020 3:18 pm
Wake up, get up...it avoids the nagging
I'm awake, I'm up, and here you are nagging :)

___


Thanks for the read and thoughts Trev,
always helpful.
If the title were They Say or They Say That
would that help?


Regards, Not

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by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 19, 2020 4:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Dicks and Drake
Replies: 5
Views: 178

Dicks and Drake

. Dicks and Drake or Nazis in Rowboats He's comandeered a pedallo and bellows at the refugees a wanna be who wants the world to know this "is a tolerant country". A captain for the cameras decks awash with pride a Cnut who doesn't understand you cannot turn a tide and this isn't an invasion but ano...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 19, 2020 4:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 430

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3

. Hi mac. Better without the 'steaming' Any modifier for 'eyes'? Haunted, no banter of beer, but ghouls muffled by winter scarves. We cool our bowls of broth, as hunched as healers over the consolations of lunch Outside, the maunder of masks in the mizzle, resist the tryst of lovers, the warmth of ...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 19, 2020 1:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 329

Re: The Gardener (v3)

. Hi mac, thanks for sticking with this one. Not sure why you are revising so much If I wake up and it's nagging at me, it means it's not done. :) This one is still nagging. .......................found this mundane, then I looked it up! Nasty. what's wrong with the original? One syllable too many ...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 430

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3

. Hi mac, kiss of death, no doubt, but I much prefer this version ... wait for it ... except for ... i) don't think you need 'steaming' (which might allow another modifier to 'healers') ii) I think 'resist the tryst / of lovers' could be reworked to (something like) in the mizzle, resisting lovers ...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Aug 18, 2020 1:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 329

Re: The Gardener (v2)

. Hi Tristan been a while. Thanks for the read. This isn’t really working for me at present Yes, I got that :) Hi mac, what have you done with my (slant/half/quarter/some unspecified percentage) rhymes? :) That said, I like a lot of those enjambments. So, no mess of pottage pun? Ok. Back to water t...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Aug 18, 2020 1:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 430

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) - revised

. Hi mac, the trouble with tryst remains :) Who are the ghouls? estranged by ? Should it be a period after broth ? our bowls of steaming broth. hunched as healers ... in the mizzle, most ? Just a thought (of sorts) … Around us estranged by winter scarves banter of beer, froth and ghouls. we cool ou...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Aug 17, 2020 6:02 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Congrats to Tristan in Streetcake
Replies: 3
Views: 367

Re: Congrats to Tristan in Streetcake

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Congrats Tristan,
I see you honed it down to a delightful point. Nicely done.

Regards, Not

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by NotQuiteSure
Mon Aug 17, 2020 1:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 329

Re: The Gardener

. Hi mac, thanks for the read and the detailed critique. expecting a more conventional gardening poem...I should have guessed :lol: - Yes, you really should have :) Really not a fan of linebreaks on adjectives, the definite or indefinite article, pronouns, conjunctions...always feels staged, a fals...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Aug 17, 2020 1:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 430

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) - revised

. Hi mac, better for the revision, though I preferred the original ending (sent me to an Edinburgh graveyard. This one sends me to a 'fog of strangers'). I understand where you were going with 'lepers' now :) (yeah, yeah, I took my time) but it's just too weighted a term. Couldn't get beyond the bi...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Aug 16, 2020 12:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Gardener (v4)
Replies: 11
Views: 329

The Gardener (v4)

. v4 The Gardener They say that the Gardener who sows the seeds of doubt has loamy eyes and wears a dumb cane hat. They say that .................. he's got viridian thumbs, a tendril tongue and curses in a dialect of Dry Leaves. They say when he breathes his breath smells of Oleander or Lily of th...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Small Worlds (revision7)
Replies: 18
Views: 815

Re: Small Worlds (revision4)

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Hi mac,
no couplets? Damn and blast yer scurvy eyes!

Wondered about the last line (and the conflict between 'bury' and 'not treasure').
Maybe ditch the rhyme scheme at the end for

this happiness no careless cough deflates.
it is this we treasure. Cast away time.


?

Regards, Not


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by NotQuiteSure
Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The tough Aussie Bloke - almost a bloody poem
Replies: 6
Views: 234

Re: The tough Aussie Bloke - almost a bloody poem

. Hi Amadis. Just following in mac's footsteps It was me. (could be the title?) I have learned that a man should always have at least 40 litres of water to use per day. Any amount less than that he feels unclean. (maybe a bit more about the consquences?) after weeks of them watching me gather wood,...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Last Drop (Edinburgh) 2021 - revision3
Replies: 22
Views: 430

Re: The Last Drop (Edinburgh)

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Hi mac,
liked this up until I got lost on the 'biblical lepers' - just not getting that reference.
Also suspicious of 'mizzle ... mist' - seems a bit overdone to me.
Like the ending though.


Regards, Not


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by NotQuiteSure
Wed Aug 12, 2020 4:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Topsy Turvy
Replies: 6
Views: 477

Re: Topsy Turvy

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Done.
And thanks again, mac.

Regards, Not

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