Search found 1842 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Wed Apr 05, 2017 1:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impression Daffodils
Replies: 19
Views: 2420

Re: Impression Daffodils

Tristan, Peter, thanks very much for the explanations, and have posted version 2 which (hopefully) is informed by them and the other critiques. Taking advantage of your time, I'd like to as whether it is clear that L4 and L8 are understood as questioning the behaviour described in the preceding line...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Apr 04, 2017 1:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impression Daffodils
Replies: 19
Views: 2420

Re: Impression Daffodils

Tristan, Yes, I'd got a version of this too - On the spotless mantelpiece, where it cannot be overlooked, she keeps a photograph of the daughter who hated having her picture taken. but what I'm trying to understand is how this represents an improvement. I'm not disagreeing, I simply don't see it, an...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Apr 04, 2017 12:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impression Daffodils
Replies: 19
Views: 2420

Re: Impression Daffodils

Peter, Thanks for you time and comments. I'd appreciate it if you could articulate what you (and ray – who will no doubt speak for himself) see as the problem with L4, because it is obviously something to which I am blind. As to the 'literal' nature of the line, I think 'taken' has connotations that...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Apr 02, 2017 2:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impression Daffodils
Replies: 19
Views: 2420

Re: Impression Daffodils

Thanks ray I think I'll stick to my dialect when it comes to taken/took, though if you (or anyone) can put that line into a South Yorkshire one I'd be interested. Obviously there was no way you could know, but daffodils connect to the woman in the photograph, so rhyme or no rhyme, they'll stay. Rega...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Apr 02, 2017 2:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Following Footsteps (revision 2)
Replies: 11
Views: 1334

Re: Following Footsteps

Nice idea, JJ, but for me, it's just a fraction too sentimental. Though the twist at the end, when the child isn't dead but grown, is terrific. S1[tab][/tab]apart from a good opening line, doesn't seem to offer much to the subject of the piece. I can't relate 'indifferent' or 'smooth and new' to gro...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Apr 01, 2017 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

Thanks for the thought Mac
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 31, 2017 4:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mask
Replies: 17
Views: 2002

Re: Mask

Just asking, but are you sure this isn't an ode to a gimp mask?
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impression Daffodils
Replies: 19
Views: 2420

Re: Impression Daffodils

Thanks Lou, I take your point about the close, though judging what other's will find sentimental is tricky. My current thinking is: and through her tears watch them die . Thanks JJ, holds the attention feels very complimentary. ' spotless ' - I was trying to imply something of the house-proud nature...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A crack in the concrete (V3)
Replies: 17
Views: 2402

Re: A crack in the concrete

Elegantly economical.
Not convinced by 'a seed' as a cause
(rather than something exploiting an extant crack).
I get lost on 'mosaic' (is it necessary?).
Nice last line.
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I want to go out for a walk (Revision 3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1836

Re: I want to go out for a walk (Revision 3)

JJ
Good idea on the stanza switch (1,3,2,4,5) - makes for a more coherent whole I think,
particularly as it allows for an increase in the time over which tempers would rise.
Would cast a vote for 'beggarly' rather than 'beggared'.
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 31, 2017 1:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

Thanks Mac
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 30, 2017 5:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I want to go out for a walk (Revision 3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1836

Re: I want to go out for a walk (revised)

JJ
I got the warm weather reference,
I just thought you were suggesting warm winds dry sodden wings (hence the S2/S4 connection).
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 30, 2017 2:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

Thanks again Tristan. They reeled me in, (Maybe: They reeled me in to a detonation') in to a detonation. To my mind these are two separate actions. The detonation is independent of the initial capture (from the pov of me and the exploding fishes, though not the boys) and ready to be baited. (Do you ...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 30, 2017 1:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

Tristan, Many thanks. I think you're right about the lariats, it was one too many. 'again, again, again' - was less about the thrill and more about the/my horror. 'ready to be baited' – wanted to convey that this was an ongoing process. A small revision of those three stanzas: Their wrist worked lin...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impression Daffodils
Replies: 19
Views: 2420

Impression Daffodils

[tab][/tab] Impression Daffodils (v3) On the spotless mantelpiece, where it cannot be overlooked, she keeps a photograph of her daughter who never smiled for the camera. Against the weight of the day, she will place a candle of daffodils, fold herself around emptiness and through her tears, watch th...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

Firebird,
Thanks for you time, glad you found lots to like.
If you're willing, could you expand on “I think stanza 3/4/5 in the second section don't do enough”
as, ironically, 'don't do enough' doesn't do enough for me.
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 29, 2017 2:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Muirburn (v2)
Replies: 6
Views: 963

Re: Muirburn

Like the idea and the title (new word to me, thanks),
but I don't find what appear to be the 'half a dozen' reasons for the fires sufficiently distinct:
necessity/merely March/(ritual)
affirmation/ritual
madness/malice
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 29, 2017 1:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Copse (Was: Remembrance)
Replies: 12
Views: 1955

Re: News from nowhere

I agree with Seth about 'round' being unnecessary, and might also question the need for 'as if to' rather that simply 'mourning their loss'. I get lost on L4: Why 'but'(rather than 'and')? From what is the field 'far off'? You've gone from 'closely...crowd' to 'far off', it feels as if the observers...
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ann Widdecombe's Cat [v2]
Replies: 10
Views: 3376

Re: Ann Widdecombe's Cat [v2]

Enjoyed this,
Though clearly (what might be seen as) overburdening the cat is a matter for you own conscience.
a small suggestion;
L6 'misguided' to 'dissenting''?
I wonder if losing 'blind' from S4 doesn't cost you a 'watchmaker/Dawkins' inference?
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ann Widdecombe's Cat [v2]
Replies: 10
Views: 1325

Re: Ann Widdecombe's Cat [v2]

Enjoyed this,
Though clearly (what might be seen as) overburdening the cat is a matter for you own conscience.
a small suggestion;
L6 'misguided' to 'dissenting''?
I wonder if losing 'blind' from S4 doesn't cost you a 'watchmaker/Dawkins' inference?
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

JJ Thanks for your time and for the detailed critique. Much appreciated. full of grey shadows and other people's things, ... Not sure about shadows. Just a bit too abstract, I think. Dark recesses, gloomy alcoves might work. 'Things', on the other hand, works for me. you may be right, something invo...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Around about this time
Replies: 2
Views: 639

Re: Around about this time

Treading carefully.
This seems to be heading in the direction of lyrics, add a chorus and
you're about a third of the way through (plus music of course). Good hook.
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 24, 2017 2:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1925

Re: The Pike

L Very grateful and very flattered. (Big word 'almost'). Not quite the whole loss of innocence, but certainly a loss of innocence. 'pack up the week' - amongst the possible meanings: that the week's holiday is over and it is time to pack up and go home, and, to try and put the events behind one (tak...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In your defence
Replies: 1
Views: 517

Re: In your defence

L I like this/these but it seems to me to be two pieces; which work separately, but not, I think together. L9[tab][/tab]Did you mean 'riposte'? Not sure, but are 'snifters' too close to cliché? 1. They had their say; wisdom swilled in half-empty snifters, clichés lifted from the manual – enough’s en...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I want to go out for a walk (Revision 3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1836

Re: I want to go out for a walk (revised)

JJ The revision has certainly improved S3, but I'd still argue that you don't need it. It repeats the 'blackbird idea' but doesn't add that much. Also interrupts the (possible) connection between 'capable of flight' and 'when the southerlies languish'. While I think 'hang out' is better that 'hang' ...