Search found 114 matches

by Joao
Thu Feb 01, 2018 3:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poirot Stumbles
Replies: 15
Views: 2420

Re: Poirot Stumbles

Really enjoyed this, Lou. Very impressed with how much drama you've managed to compress into a single sonnet. I only had an issue with the title (which gives away the final twist). Also, just a thought, perhaps you could consider replacing 'brimful' at the end with something like 'released', to conv...
by Joao
Thu Feb 01, 2018 2:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition
Replies: 7
Views: 1612

Rorschach Test - The Home Edition

Begonia by the window? Hooded lizards. Coatstand? Cloaked intruder. Bathroom mirror? Nightly lair. Clothes on the bedroom floor? Bitten apple. Laundry folded on the sofa? TV nights. Paperbacks? Summer in the Algarve. Mobile phone? Locked drawer. Broken drawer? Bitten apple. Pictures on the fridge? T...
by Joao
Thu Feb 01, 2018 2:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 2333

Re: The Final Mountain - 1st Revision

Hi Steve, I think you did great with the revision: the restrained, descriptive tone is much better suited to your scene and I think you have some great lines here. A few comments, below: The Final Mountain - I think the title is appropriate: the sense of the same mountain made different by every cli...
by Joao
Fri Jan 19, 2018 5:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Passing Out (revision2)
Replies: 14
Views: 2239

Re: Passing Out (revision)

Lovely poem, mac: sweet, light and evocative. A couple of observations: The crab apple trees provided the ammunition: those bruises of fun - darting, chasing, finding a breathless joy. To my ear, 'breathless joy' sounds a bit ethereal for the dirty-nailed fun I see these kids having. You would have ...
by Joao
Fri Jan 12, 2018 4:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the Fruit Section
Replies: 12
Views: 2014

Re: At the Fruit Section

Very nice. I have a friend who worked in Freetown as a nurse for a while - heard good things. I'm from Brazil, originally.
by Joao
Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Without a Compass (revision2)
Replies: 19
Views: 2400

Re: Without a Compass

I like it, mac, this good-humoured affection for blundering N. It all feels very warm and comfortable despite the winter cold and the uncomfortable walk, which I guess is your point(?). It reads very well (great sonics in S2!). I love the understated language. Interesting closing image. Only one com...
by Joao
Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the Fruit Section
Replies: 12
Views: 2014

Re: At the Fruit Section

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. Lots to think about. I probably need to revise this one. Not, you're probably right about the title. It doesn't do much at the moment. I'll think about it. You and others were put off by the abruptness of the key change at the end, so I probably need to revi...
by Joao
Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the Fruit Section
Replies: 12
Views: 2014

Re: At the Fruit Section

Thanks for the close reading, Luce, I really appreciate it. I didn't mean the smells in S1 to be unambiguously pleasant or otherwise, but a pungent mixture of both, in keeping with B's wider experience and in contrast with the insipid end. In S2, the mangoes are not meant as a metaphor, though I see...
by Joao
Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Tribe
Replies: 0
Views: 1526

Re: The Tribe

I like this, fortytwo. A few thoughts: Young the tribe with all the caring of the wild, consume the weak, dance to the beat Nice two lines of bone sticks on Maybe I'm missing something, but isn't this pushing the metaphor a bit too far? Can't imagine this applying to kids and their music drums of sk...
by Joao
Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: At the Fruit Section
Replies: 12
Views: 2014

At the Fruit Section

To get to her, we had to cross that smelly maze of cumin, rotting fish and roasting corn, of bin juice sticking to our feet, mixed in coriander: The mango lady, knelt on her mat, surrounded by her swollen fruit; the sap runny, still, on the warm skin. She always took her time, admiring our talk, the...
by Joao
Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Beanbags
Replies: 6
Views: 1155

Re: Beanbags

I particularly like the doctor stroking the DSM 'bible': that false benevolence and the patronising self-assurance of the inquisitor towards the muzzled victim. The 'stroking' has (ironically) a hint of sadism in it (I thought of the torturer caressing his whip), but maybe I'm projecting (I'm sure t...
by Joao
Fri Nov 24, 2017 11:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Artist
Replies: 12
Views: 1963

Re: The Artist

The meaning of the 'line of quartz' is clear, in my opinion, and powerful. What I had trouble with was the idea of 'hard' practice, which doesn't match, in my mind, the image of smooth polishing by the sea. Maybe something like this? Practice was long, but she practiced long until she was like a peb...
by Joao
Fri Nov 24, 2017 10:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Definitions
Replies: 3
Views: 839

Re: Definitions

Afraid I couldn't understand S2 either. It's probably against the rules, but could you maybe help us with a paraphrase?

In S1, do you need 'of how it works'?

Out of curiosity, where in Borges is the quote from? I had never seen it.

Best,
Joao
by Joao
Mon Sep 25, 2017 2:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hare revision1
Replies: 10
Views: 1690

Re: Hare

I also think the first part is the best; the standoff: ‘for which of the two of us are they coming?’. But I think I disagree with mac on ‘picnicking’: ‘ we sat picnicking’ is the key to their shared tranquility before the motorbikes appear. Perhaps you can make the beginning a bit more succinct (?):...
by Joao
Thu Jul 28, 2016 8:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Mermaid (revision)
Replies: 18
Views: 1742

Re: Mermaid (revision)

Lovely work, Mac. The uplifted body, the moonlight shimmer of the scales -- very good! I'd argue you should end with this image. I thought 'frame of our goodbye' weakened the poem. Can a shimmer serve as a frame? Did you mean to say 'I lifted her as IN a baptism'? I wasn't sure what you meant by 'fa...
by Joao
Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Yesterday
Replies: 11
Views: 1062

Re: Yesterday

I like the 'correct combination' line, the sense of her trying to break into a safe where the good old days are kept from her.
by Joao
Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: From Afar the Poet Warbles to his Mate
Replies: 11
Views: 1303

Re: From Afar the Poet Warbles to his Mate

I once heard someone translating birdsong as the equivalent of shouting 'anyone up for sex?' in a public space. Ruined the poetry in it for me ever since, or so I thought: this was a delightful.
by Joao
Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Žižka
Replies: 8
Views: 851

Re: Žižka

Thanks, Ian. I meant this as a dramatic monologue, Žižka's voice throughout. In S1, he confesses his apathy for the promise of heavenly salvation, the Father's promise (to him, Žižka). In S2, Žižka imagines an afterlife more appealing than that unfleshly heaven.
by Joao
Fri Jul 22, 2016 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Žižka
Replies: 8
Views: 851

Re: Žižka

Thanks, Katherine
by Joao
Wed Jul 20, 2016 3:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Žižka
Replies: 8
Views: 851

Re: Žižka

Your sudden thought is correct, David: not only a milquetoast but an ethereal, discarnate heaven. Your Montaigne quote is indeed great and much to the point in Žižka’s case, he and his people having resisted Catholic persecution. (Montaigne is full of this lucid scepticism about the powers of reason...
by Joao
Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Estate Speaks
Replies: 8
Views: 1011

Re: The Estate Speaks

I like it very much, Ray. S1 is the best by far, in my opinion. Powerful images for the brutish, flat-packed (or tightly-packed) development of those areas: bludgeoning steamrollers, the heavy stamp of that concrete foot on the green -- very powerful! My only doubt on S1 is when you associate ‘writh...
by Joao
Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Žižka
Replies: 8
Views: 851

Žižka

'[Jan Žižka] wished to be flayed after his death and that, of his skin, a drum should be made to be carried to war against his enemies' -Montaigne The Father must forgive the flesh that is tepid with his promise: an impalpable kingdom, the insipid communion up above, not to stir thing or man. My dis...
by Joao
Wed Jul 13, 2016 12:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pointing
Replies: 9
Views: 1123

Re: Pointing

Very moving, Ray. The nurse's precision, unheeded, is a lovely touch: in a glimpse, the full emotional contrast between her practical detachment and the narrator's distracted grief.
by Joao
Tue Jul 12, 2016 8:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1879

Re: His Ex (revised)

Thanks for your comments, mac. I suppose soap could be thought of as a pollutant if dumped in a substance valued for its purity, like a clear river (or perfume), for example. I wouldn't use 'cloying' because the wife actually suspects the contrary: that her husband still relishes in that powerful sc...
by Joao
Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Her Morning Goodbye (revised)
Replies: 17
Views: 1500

Re: Her Morning Goodbye

I suspect you're describing how she says goodbye everyday, when leaving the house. She's neither rude nor needy, but strikes the right balance between tenderness and self-sufficiency. The carpet drag is a brilliant image. I'm not sure about the other extreme: isn't coldness, rather than truculent ru...