Search found 111 matches

by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Three Short Poems (revision3)
Replies: 14
Views: 2930

Re: Hot/Cold

Hi mac, really liked reading this. The tango and the peas are great images. (Would it sound better as ‘a tango across the sand?’). I had to read S3 a few times to come up with an interpretation (probably me being slow): this person has kept N in suspense about his chances; N builds up the courage fo...
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 12:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Letter from Angkor (was Penitent)
Replies: 15
Views: 2516

Re: Penitent (revised)

This is excellent, Luke. I'm another for the return of the last stanza. And I agree with Not on ad infinitum. Apart from this, I think the revision has improved the poem. Delightful read.
by Joao
Thu May 03, 2018 12:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Walking Into Beauty
Replies: 12
Views: 2478

Re: Walking Into Beauty

Lovely poem. Would 'why don't you?' perhaps sound better than 'why not you?' ?
by Joao
Thu May 03, 2018 12:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Votive: (was After Planting) (version 4)
Replies: 10
Views: 1661

Re: Votive: (was After Planting) (version 4)

I like what you did with the repetition of the last verse, Luke. I also like the latest revision's elemental simplicity (though I think I liked the bitter note of thankless toil in the previous version better).
by Joao
Thu May 03, 2018 12:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Hymn

Do not listen to this blubbering curse. We both know the murky well from which it springs. Rise above it as I dig this soggy hole and mould with mud an idol meant for marbled wings. Hollow, the breath that cracks your morning voice: it’s only wind, pretending to be song. You can clear up your throat...
by Joao
Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Blueberries (revised)
Replies: 19
Views: 3352

Re: Blueberries (revised)

Very nice poem, mac. Great contrast. I could vividly sense his benignity and picture the children surrounding him by the cooker.
by Joao
Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On watching too much Father Brown
Replies: 12
Views: 1770

Re: On watching too much Father Brown

Beautiful poem, David. 'Latin rises like holy smoke' is especially good!
by Joao
Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Votive: (was After Planting) (version 4)
Replies: 10
Views: 1661

Re: (After) Planting (revision)

Enjoyed reading this, Luke. A couple comments: Revision Observe my offerings: a spade stood as it was left, a tea set gathering rain. I leave them as a votive stain I like 'votive stain' - it sounds like a spiteful entreaty to the soil N must propitiate upon this ground on which I’m forced to my kne...
by Joao
Mon Apr 16, 2018 11:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: amnesiac
Replies: 12
Views: 2991

Re: Amnesiac

Enjoyed it, Ton. Relatable sentiment. You drive through the sleepy villages, Do you need 'the'? their names registering for a moment then forgotten, but you remember the way I like lotus' suggestion ('left behind'). Also, maybe there's too much antithesis in this verse: I'd get rid of 'but' and star...
by Joao
Tue Apr 10, 2018 7:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: NQS about the title #4
Replies: 5
Views: 954

Re: NQS about the title #4

Very interesting character, Not, and a moving elegy. The last two stanzas are the strongest in my opinion. A few thoughts for your consideration: Unknown Soldier The title is a bit melodramatic for a discreet stoic like her. She lived in a dented silver trailer, like Jim Rockford's, maybe smaller. I...
by Joao
Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Talking with Shadows (revision 5) was Bothering Spectres
Replies: 25
Views: 3157

Re: Bothering Spectres

Very moving, JJ. The refrain is quite effective and the bits of detail very convincing. I worry ghosts, making sure they know how my visit to the hospital went 'making sure' is probably not the best phrasing for this, in my opinion: it conveys either the reverse of your meaning (i.e. solicitude) or ...
by Joao
Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Backache (revision2)
Replies: 21
Views: 2670

Re: Backache (revision2)

Macavity wrote:In this case the backache doesn't go away so I've reinforced that with an additional line.
Excellent point. Hadn't thought about it this way. The repetition of the first verse works great and sounds like the beginning of a new bar in your jazz song
by Joao
Fri Apr 06, 2018 2:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Backache (revision2)
Replies: 21
Views: 2670

Re: Backache (revision)

Hi mac. 'Bebop' is excellent. I agree with Ray, though, that 'jazz' is somewhat redundant. Still scratching my head on 'braid' and 'anagrams' and the final line still feels inconclusive - maybe you need a closing rhyme. I really like the idea of the spine played as a saxophone: I would have preferre...
by Joao
Fri Apr 06, 2018 2:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: early morning Awning Soliloquy
Replies: 8
Views: 1534

Re: early morning Awning Soliloquy

Hi silent lotus, this was very pleasant to read. The 'bordello' is a lovely notion, and I think I've also seen it used in French with the same connotation. I'm with JJ on 'beliefs', though I'm not sure I can explain it. Maybe because beliefs, changeable as they are, are much more constant than 'thou...
by Joao
Fri Apr 06, 2018 1:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 60
Replies: 16
Views: 2980

Re: 60

Enjoyed this greatly, David (and happy birthday!). I was re-reading Tennyson's Ulysses just yesterday and yours made for a very refreshing contrast. I definitely like the conversational tone - the bits on the stairs and on the bin were the best, I thought. The last 3 lines were less convincing: a bi...
by Joao
Sat Mar 31, 2018 5:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)
Replies: 29
Views: 4301

Re: Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)

Hi JJ, I like it: it has a very pleasant and natural simplicity to it and some lovely detail. My only criticism is that (as I think someone else said it above) there's not enough praise of Winter's charms to justify your conclusion: perhaps you need one more stanza, dwelling a bit more on that 'glow...
by Joao
Sat Mar 31, 2018 4:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Life items
Replies: 3
Views: 842

Re: Life items

Interesting thought, Snoret. It reminds me of one by Borges (Las Cosas, or Things in Translation) - things that we think of as slaves serving us but that will outlive us and not even notice that we're gone.
by Joao
Fri Feb 23, 2018 4:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition
Replies: 7
Views: 1630

Re: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition

Thanks, JJ. You were spot on: the bitten apple was an affair. The betrayed spouse murders the other (with a kitchen knife). Thanks for your comments.
by Joao
Thu Feb 15, 2018 10:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Overextended (revised)
Replies: 6
Views: 1223

Re: Overextended

'Quite refreshing', JJ, the voice of this good-humoured stumbler. This was fun to read. Minor suggestions below. One foot submerged in defrosted mud, the hoe an extra limb. Free leg inches forward to find the garden path. Too much clay to overcome; must fall on the grass this time. Great two stanzas...
by Joao
Wed Feb 07, 2018 2:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition
Replies: 7
Views: 1630

Re: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition

Thanks, David, glad you like it (and well spotted: only one Algarve. I've corrected it).

Thanks for reading it camus. You're probably right.

Thanks, Luce. You're on the right track with '1'.
by Joao
Wed Feb 07, 2018 2:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perennial
Replies: 9
Views: 1775

Re: Perennial

Hi Jackie, I like the premise (if I understand it correctly), the rallying cry of the constant gardener in winter. S4 is excellent, though I'm not entirely sure which relation it's supposed to have with the preceding stanzas. Are S1-S3 meant to be spectacles worth watching? If so, is there really an...
by Joao
Thu Feb 01, 2018 3:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poirot Stumbles
Replies: 15
Views: 2434

Re: Poirot Stumbles

Really enjoyed this, Lou. Very impressed with how much drama you've managed to compress into a single sonnet. I only had an issue with the title (which gives away the final twist). Also, just a thought, perhaps you could consider replacing 'brimful' at the end with something like 'released', to conv...
by Joao
Thu Feb 01, 2018 2:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Rorschach Test - The Home Edition
Replies: 7
Views: 1630

Rorschach Test - The Home Edition

Begonia by the window? Hooded lizards. Coatstand? Cloaked intruder. Bathroom mirror? Nightly lair. Clothes on the bedroom floor? Bitten apple. Laundry folded on the sofa? TV nights. Paperbacks? Summer in the Algarve. Mobile phone? Locked drawer. Broken drawer? Bitten apple. Pictures on the fridge? T...
by Joao
Thu Feb 01, 2018 2:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Final Mountain - 2nd Revision
Replies: 13
Views: 2375

Re: The Final Mountain - 1st Revision

Hi Steve, I think you did great with the revision: the restrained, descriptive tone is much better suited to your scene and I think you have some great lines here. A few comments, below: The Final Mountain - I think the title is appropriate: the sense of the same mountain made different by every cli...