Search found 111 matches

by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 4:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sweet (V2)
Replies: 10
Views: 931

Re: Sweet

Hi Jules, I enjoyed the read (after the explanation). I understood the click of the ratchet as the moment the new colour vision kicks in: if I'm right, shouldn't it come before 'Divined a whole...'? 'L8 is a nice phrase. Had to re-read L9 a couple of times, though; I think because I normally associa...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2073

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Not, thanks for the detailed crit and suggestions. I've used some of them in my revision. You're, of course, right about 'on watch': I had 'vigil' at first and forgot to replace the preposition. Thanks for pointing it out. I think I agree with you on the final 4 lines: I'll try to think of a diff...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2073

Re: The Hypochondriac

Hi Jules, thanks so much for the detailed crit. You're spot on in your interpretation of 'vestiges, walls, and steps'. I've posted a revision with your suggestions. Irony wasn't really my intention, but I can see why you might detect it in the text: it's hard to use Gothic imagery without making N s...
by Joao
Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2073

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks very much, Tristan, that's very encouraging. That's exactly the reading I was hoping to trigger: I'm glad it came across. Thanks again It’s really good Joao. I too like the gothic imagery and feel. It adds to the anti-scientific tone and the irrationality that has its own strange logic. The l...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grooming
Replies: 11
Views: 1252

Re: Grooming

Coming late to this only to say that I like it extremely. Didn't have a problem with the abstraction of 'Hope and distaste' because they're soon followed up by the very concrete source of those feelings. I, too, first thought that Sharon was the foster mum. Also had a bit of trouble figuring out who...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2073

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks, Ray, very glad you like the lines. You're probably right on 'chasing', I'll try to think of something more appropriate. The tameness of 'cups' is deliberate, though: I wanted an ominous, menacing gesture; not the actual strike. Something like being caressed with a knife...
by Joao
Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2073

Re: The Hypochondriac

Thanks, mac, these are very helpful comments. You got me wondering so I googled around and found that there are indeed psychotic forms of hypochondria. Your other points addressed below. Interesting Joao. The poem delivers more than the title promises. Hypochondriac: a person who is abnormally anxio...
by Joao
Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Hypochondriac (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2073

The Hypochondriac (Revised)

V4 My body is a lair. What lurks inside eludes the educated eye. My days are spent on watch: tracing vestiges, sounding walls, retracing the steps of the dead. A secret cauldron stews, within, a rancid seething broth meant for my veins. Through the breathless nights, I listen to the gurgle of garro...
by Joao
Mon Mar 18, 2019 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 1235

Re: Milia

I really like the juxtaposed scales: the intimate facial close-up mingled with celestial symbolism. It's very striking; and so is the mother's voice and gesture in S4/5. 'Wrinkled pools of skin' didn't work for me, though -- it didn't have the same star-like tone of 'sallow rings'.
by Joao
Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: RIFF ME A ROSE (V11)
Replies: 29
Views: 2916

Re: Slick Rose (V4)

Hi Jules, I like the extended revision. The final two stanzas are excellent. 'Sidereal whiff' puzzles me, though. Perhaps it's an allusion I'm missing, but it sounds a bit too fanciful in my opinion (what do stars smell like?), especially in the midst of the more concrete symbolism of the rest of th...
by Joao
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)
Replies: 6
Views: 1880

Re: Immigration (Part 1 - Pinus)

Thanks, Mac, it does help very much, as usual. I was fearing that times and places wouldn’t be easy to establish. Sounds like I need to make it clearer. The story is that there are virtually no native pines in the Southern Hemisphere. They emerged just after (a few million years after, that is) the ...
by Joao
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anabasis
Replies: 10
Views: 1972

Re: Anabasis

Very good, David. S1 and the title, especially. It’s an impressive match, this extended metaphor — the same state of lucid forgetfulness and alienation which I imagine is what is so peculiarly distressing about dementia. S2 and S3 I needed a bit more time to grasp, but I think I do (?) now: it’s the...
by Joao
Sun Jun 24, 2018 5:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)
Replies: 6
Views: 1880

Invasive (with apologies to JJ - was Immigration)

*Added 3 more parts. Part 1 still unchanged. Pinus ‘All through the Patagonian steppe, a mosaic of big, small and smaller pine trees is developing, turning the open landscape into a conifer forest’. The pine tree invasion of South America, A photoessay by Jonas Lembrechts We woke up late, so we jump...
by Joao
Sat Jun 23, 2018 6:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clickbait
Replies: 16
Views: 3360

Re: Thickbait

Hi Wilcken, this is impressive! There are some really clever lines here. I don't have much to offer other than applause and pointing out below the parts not entirely clear to me, in case you're interested in catering for slower readers such as me. 10 years older  is probably my favorite  type of MIL...
by Joao
Sat Jun 23, 2018 5:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Witness
Replies: 18
Views: 3078

Re: Witness

Hi 68degrees, I like it. There's a police-report bluntness to the language that works well with the theme, I think (and that chimes with the title). The break after 'mirror' confused me at first. I had to re-read the passage to understand that it is (I think) the woman that is confessing; not the ma...
by Joao
Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Boy and Rydal Cave (rev 3)
Replies: 31
Views: 6732

Re: On Disturbing Rydal Cave (On Finding Rydal Cave) revisio

Hi JJ, enjoyed this little Gothic tale very much. The rocks layered by ancient seas when the moon was young is a lovely image. The fish pool is a fascinating piece of detail (I agree with Not that they deserve some elaboration - or even another poem of their own). examined the dankness then dared to...
by Joao
Mon Jun 18, 2018 9:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Re: Hymn

Thanks, Ross. I see your point. I'll give it a try.
by Joao
Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Visitations (revision5)
Replies: 37
Views: 9460

Re: Camping (revision4)

This is very clever, mac. The anticlimax makes it much more interesting, in my opinion. I read the latest version first and it was clear throughout, apart from the 'silenced pines”. Like JJ, I could only see the link with the birds after reading the comments. (It's a great phrase!). Something like t...
by Joao
Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Re: Hymn

This is very useful advice, Ross, thanks very much. I had to laugh at the 'let me smell’ slip: I nearly made an even more ridiculous mistake with 'wind, pretending’, which I originally had as 'wind passing / for’. I had meant this as a satirical poem, as a dramatic monologue by a melodramatic blubbe...
by Joao
Tue May 15, 2018 12:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: May’s bovine stasis
Replies: 11
Views: 3855

Re: May’s bovine stasis

Very nice poem, Luke. I'm also not sure about 'Flinch', maybe because it's a reactive verb -- what are the cows (not) flinching at? Wouldn't something like 'stir' be more suitable?
by Joao
Tue May 15, 2018 11:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Re: Hymn

Thanks for the tip, mac, I'll have a look.
by Joao
Thu May 10, 2018 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Walking Into Beauty
Replies: 12
Views: 2478

Re: Walking Into Beauty

Good point, Ross - I hadn't noticed this. It does help.
churinga wrote: Joao
I have thought about your suggestion but will stick with what I wrote, the 'not' alliterates with 'now'. And I think that helps the atmosphere.

Ross
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Re: Hymn

Thanks, camus, glad you enjoyed parts of it. It is a bit of a bastard piece, you're right.
camus wrote:I like its archaic approach, some wonderful language and phrases used.

Where it fits in the poetic pantheon, though, i'm not certain?

Cheers
C
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Re: Hymn

Thanks, David. Fortunately, this one is not autobiographical :D . I'm still not sure it's to my taste either. Thanks for your honesty. What's going on here, then, Joao? You've been dumped. That's my guess. I'm tempted to say, simply, get over it lad. As a response to that situation - if I haven't go...
by Joao
Wed May 09, 2018 1:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hymn
Replies: 12
Views: 3693

Re: Hymn

Thanks for the helpful comments, mac. Glad you've enjoyed it. My answers below. hi Joao, Effective, unnerving tone, apt for the subject matter. It is adjective heavy, but many of those do colour the read. I did get lost in some of syntax, but that may be my sluggish mind! Definitely enjoyed the read...