Search found 114 matches

by Joao
Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1871

Re: His Ex (revised)

Thanks, Moth, on second thought, I think I agree with you on the first lines. It also flows better, your way. I've revised it, thank you. I couldn't think of anything better suited to the metaphor than 'sweat' and 'tears' (also, I wouldn't want to give up the assonance between 'sweet' and 'tears'), ...
by Joao
Sun Jul 10, 2016 6:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Outsourcing ourselves
Replies: 7
Views: 925

Re: Outsourcing ourselves

I have a guess. She is neglecting her mother, having other things fulfil her daughterly duties: her phone to remember her mother's birthday, the new dog to keep her company. It makes sense to me.
by Joao
Thu Jul 07, 2016 4:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1871

Re: His Ex (revised)

Thank you for your frankness, David, I really appreciate it. I think I like the metaphor as it is (I don't think I can improve it, sorry), but I'd be keen to know what it is about it that you don't like. Sorry for the short lines: asthmatics, always short of breath. Thanks, k-j, very glad you like it.
by Joao
Thu Jul 07, 2016 4:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The truth about love
Replies: 6
Views: 1059

Re: The truth about love

I really it k-j. I read it as a cynical parody of Auden's poem. It seems to be mimicking that mundane mysticism with which he suggests that love is ineffable. Then, unexpectedly, you come to the opposite conclusion: love is about nothing more than your looks and (I'm guessing now) your social status...
by Joao
Mon Jul 04, 2016 12:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Making of Saints (Owain's Adaptation, 650 AD) Revison 2
Replies: 7
Views: 934

Re: The Making of Saints (Owain's Adaptation, circa 650 AD)

Hi JJ, the article has 'Beuno' rather than your 'Bueno', was this a typo? The image of the wicked heart steaming like fresh dung is powerful, but to me the word 'shit' jars unconvincingly with the dignified tone of 'mortal vessel'. I really like 'cupped a blessing from God's spring': very nicely phr...
by Joao
Sun Jul 03, 2016 7:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1871

Re: His Ex (revised)

Thanks, Pat, yes, I probably need to rethink that line.

Thanks for reading it, trobbo, sorry it didn't work for you.
by Joao
Thu Jun 30, 2016 5:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 623 Squadron
Replies: 11
Views: 1254

Re: 623 Squadron

Like JJ, I really liked this even before knowing the real tenor of the metaphor and, now that I do, I like it extremely. Is the cycling to church a reference to John Major’s famously outdated image of modern England (‘old maids cycling to holy communion’)? If so, it’s a shame he was pro remain: you ...
by Joao
Thu Jun 30, 2016 4:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1871

Re: His Ex (revised)

Thanks, David, yes, I still think I'm not being clear enough. Here's the paraphrase (any suggestions you might have to convey it more clearly would be very welcome!): this is a married woman reacting to her husband reassuring her that his previous relationship, which was only brief (months), was uni...
by Joao
Thu Jun 30, 2016 10:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1871

Re: His Ex (revised)

Thanks everyone for your attentive reading and suggestions. Ray, I think I agree with you, and I suspect this is what was making it all unclear for the others. I've revised it, thank you. With those middle lines I was trying to convey her distrust of his reassurance, but it seems they ended up obscu...
by Joao
Mon Jun 27, 2016 11:12 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: His Ex (revised)
Replies: 20
Views: 1871

His Ex (revised)

Revised Seventeen years, our time; seventeen months, was theirs: these are the terms of his preference, these, which, I know, merely measure two vessels: one, the guilty vial in a secret corner, the thick smell of perfume, forever sweet; the other, the generous bucket diluted with water, polluted wi...
by Joao
Mon Jun 27, 2016 10:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Day Unresolved
Replies: 6
Views: 1037

Re: A Day Unresolved

Interesting poem, Ray. I’ve written some comments below based on what I suppose the meaning of it to be (apologies if I’m missing something obvious). I like the symbolism of torture: the “question-marked” pun made me think of fire branding, well in line with the idea of inquisition and crucifixion. ...
by Joao
Sat Jun 25, 2016 9:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Freedom
Replies: 15
Views: 1681

Re: Freedom

I like it. Are you sure you even need the last two lines of the first stanza? The image of the well-nourished plant pressing up against the glass says it all, with suggestion rather than statement. It's an eloquent image, I'd let it speak for itself. Very nice.
by Joao
Wed Jun 22, 2016 9:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Duplo -revised
Replies: 15
Views: 1684

Re: Duplo -revised

Very moving and convincing use of the language of innocence to heighten the sense of their vulnerability. I only have one tiny reservation (which might be too subjective): it's when you use multiple adjectives ("cold, plastic floor"; "sad upside down mouth"). To me, this seemed like breaking charact...
by Joao
Wed Jun 22, 2016 9:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A land called Elsewhere
Replies: 11
Views: 1245

Re: A land called Elsewhere

The “50 buttons of promises” made me think of someone flicking through TV ads. If that’s the theme, I also prefer the end-stopped lines: it gives it a sort of Generation-Game tone to enumeration, which is very fitting and gives the poem a nice rhythm. I’m not sure I fully grasp the meaning of the po...