Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Sun Apr 12, 2020 12:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: An exchange
Replies: 9
Views: 612

Re: Birds

Hi Mac, Not, Thanks for the feedback. I think all birds originate from dinosaurs, hence raptor, not just birds of prey. Also i can't condense further, because the piece is a set in the form of 3 haikus, of 5, 7, 5, syllables, with the last line of seven syllables. It was just a story i read about ab...
by ton321
Sat Apr 11, 2020 12:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Adios
Replies: 15
Views: 816

Re: Adios

Corners uncrowded, the slender length of a skirting board lacks the punctuation gathered over a mossy clump of years. An absent TV, desk and guitar are evidence I’m willing to forget. All is simple, pared to the roots, ready to renew on foreign terrain. Adios to family, to a housemate and friend who...
by ton321
Sat Apr 11, 2020 12:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: An exchange
Replies: 9
Views: 612

An exchange

Revision 2 Some mornings I gave the birds lardons and tidbits, old pobs and sweetmeats; in return the crows would give as good as they got, all the shiny things, the old fashioned milk bottle tops, silver and gold, pennies in a pile, knowing I would be dazzled. revision I ventured into their world, ...
by ton321
Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Self-Isolation - revised
Replies: 11
Views: 1192

Re: Self-Isolation

Hi Ray , I liked it. I think verses 3 and 4 are the core of the poem though,

Tony
by ton321
Sun Mar 15, 2020 1:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Billions of stars (v3)
Replies: 16
Views: 1318

Re: Billions of stars (v3)

Hi Tristan,

Moby's We Are All Made of Stars is running through my head, when I read this. I thought the format was a bit flat, so I've haikued it up a bit:

The small successes
drive us on, make our lives more
bearable, but when

we gaze at the stars
we do not see the darkness;

Tony
by ton321
Wed Mar 11, 2020 11:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)
Replies: 11
Views: 1149

Re: Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)

Thanks for the comments. Tristan, yes thanks for that( one day i'll learn grammar). Not, I suppose emptied is trying to convey what this space is, an empty, abandoned space. Could easily use another verb. I've been a bit lazy with balls-anything that can roll would do, thanks for the suggestion. Poe...
by ton321
Wed Mar 04, 2020 8:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Contagion (V7)
Replies: 16
Views: 1033

Re: Contagion (Or maybe a better title is ‘A Pandemic’?)

Hi Tristan

I agree with the others in that the ending needs to be stronger. Also what about starting with small lines and working up to longer ones, to mimic how the pandemic spreads/ gets bigger? Just a thought,
Tony
by ton321
Wed Mar 04, 2020 7:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)
Replies: 11
Views: 1149

Re: The Abandoned.

Tristan, Kj, Thanks for your comments. One verse is set below ground, the other above. Its about the hundreds/thousands of miles of abandoned coal mines, tunnels quietly disintegrating beneath our feet causing subsidence above ground, hence the cracks in the walls etc.. I live in West Yorkshire, and...
by ton321
Sat Feb 29, 2020 12:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Bath Water
Replies: 8
Views: 645

Re: The Bath Water

Hi Ray

I think cutting the second stanza makes it read better,
Tony
by ton321
Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)
Replies: 11
Views: 1149

Subsidence ( was The Abandoned)

Revision 2 Frightening to think of the miles of mines beneath our feet: its worked out seams, the forever dark, the silence that gives way to the occasional crash of wall or beams, and the cracks above the lintels in the house; how a ball might roll one way on the table. Fear, like water, will find ...
by ton321
Fri Feb 28, 2020 11:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Off Stage
Replies: 7
Views: 602

Re: Off Stage

I kind of quite like it. Its a bit haiku-esque, but it needs tying together more to tease out the relations between the three stanzas,
Tony
by ton321
Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:12 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pilot-Light
Replies: 7
Views: 914

Re: Pilot-Light

Thanks Perry, the poem is from a childs point of view, so I don't want to change it to the present tense, but can see how it might make it read a bit easier, more immediate, I suppose. Poet, Mac also thanks for having a look, suggestions. Tatt, I've altered a couple of things, thanks for the input T...
by ton321
Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pilot-Light
Replies: 7
Views: 914

Pilot-Light

Revision Its cobalt bud of flame seemed as distant as Pluto as I peered through the window of the boiler-housing; when seen from outer space astronaughts view the blue planet afresh and fall in love in again. original Its blue bud of flame seemed as lonely and distant as Pluto as I peered through th...
by ton321
Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Out Of My League - revision
Replies: 11
Views: 1675

Re: Out Of My League

Hi Ray
Enjoyed very much. I would cut cut lines 15-18, to me it reads better,
Tony
by ton321
Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 2256

Re: Curiosity (v2)

Hi Not, I liked his piece-the way you maintain the tone throughout/ scientific/ detached almost, which I'm sure is deliberate, but I'm not sure about it from l 12 ie she watched but did not see. You are seeing things for her, maybe for dramatic purposes. I would just keep it to what's observable, an...
by ton321
Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 13
Views: 1068

Re: Frosty (tentative)

Hi Miles,

It's a humorous homage to a great poem; by copying the meter, rhyme scheme, layout etc, you get an intimate feel for the original. I enjoyed your cover version of it, made me like the oriiginal even more,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke
Replies: 7
Views: 1074

Re: Smoke

Thanks Not, Poet, Ray for taking the time to have a look. JJ, you may be right, it needs to an alteration as the others have said. Thanks BJ for your comments, much appreciated! I'll bear the sense of rhythm in mind when I revise it
Tony
by ton321
Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Safe Sex
Replies: 9
Views: 830

Re: Courtship

Hi Ray
had to lymericise it


Miss Mantis renounces romances
Mr Mantis waxes expansive
between courtship and flights.
are rewarded with bites.

Da da da..his lavish advances.

just a rough sketch
Tony
by ton321
Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Permacultural
Replies: 5
Views: 672

Re: Permacultural

I think your piece perfectly describes grumpy old man syndrome
Tony
by ton321
Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke
Replies: 7
Views: 1074

Smoke

followed us in through the door, was in our hair, the strands of our clothes; we were soaked in it like water in a sponge, the kind from burning tyes, that fleeing armies make in the middle east out of spite as they set another oilfield alight; that hibernated in our being, wintered out for thaw, fo...
by ton321
Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Mudmen
Replies: 8
Views: 814

Re: The Mudmen

Hi Sid, like people have said, it's just a playful piece. Glad you liked it,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Aubergine (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 906

Re: Aubergine (revision)

Thanks Sid, I'll put it the drawer for a bit,
Tony
by ton321
Mon Jan 06, 2020 11:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysanthemum
Replies: 5
Views: 519

Re: Chrysanthemum

Hi Ray/Richard,

It's about a girl I fancied at Uni. but never did anything about it. Her Surname was/is the title of the piece. Each verse is a bookend to something that might have been, the start and the finish. Obviously clear as mud at the moment, so I'll have a think about it
Tony
by ton321
Sun Jan 05, 2020 11:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysanthemum
Replies: 5
Views: 519

Chrysanthemum

Revision I was a fully paid up member of the student union, wrote you in as a guest. Like the firework, the flower? I knew how to spell your name. You were impressed. Three years later I adjusted your stole silently amongst the jubilation and shouts; no need for words this time, to sign you out. Ori...
by ton321
Sun Jan 05, 2020 11:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Aubergine (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 906

Re: Aubergine (revision)

Hi tatter,

Thanks for the comments. Actually you are right, it is better without the repeat,
Tony