Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1493

Re: Ferret

Hi Honour
Thanks for stopping by and glad you liked it. Your suggestion is better than the original line, I'll include it into the piece, thanks
Tony
by ton321
Fri Apr 26, 2019 10:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Rising and the Shining
Replies: 6
Views: 907

Re: The Rising and the Shining

Age sharpens desire True, its younger blunter form bore all the weight - and what a bore! But now the balance swings, exact Find what you need to do and act Could there be anything simpler than that? Hi BJ I like the title of the piece, that refers to the saying-rise and shine ie morning/youth, then...
by ton321
Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1493

Re: Ferret

Hi JJ, Bj,

Been away-otherwise i would have replied earlier, sorry about that. Glad you liked it, and ill post a revision, esp if it soars :D , thanks jj,

Tony
by ton321
Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Anti-Psychotic (Formally "Depot")
Replies: 12
Views: 1604

Re: Depot

Starving hysterical naked, dragging… Not the best mind of my generation… I bared my brains to Dog-shit... Driven by resigned determination to get down to the 9 to 5 routine - Morrison’s groceries wait for no man. “Mr Grath, Please report to treatment room” Says the familiar tone. A monthly check-in;...
by ton321
Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1493

Re: Ferret

Charles- thanks for commenting glad you liked it.
Not, I did think that there were to many "its" when i wrote it, thanks for the suggestion.

Tony
by ton321
Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Girl with Boa
Replies: 10
Views: 873

Re: Girl with Boa

Hi Not,

I like the piece, but i feel I'm not getting the last line-
It's just a jump to the left.
There's the internal rhyme of test, nets, stretched, left that threads the piece together, but i feel i need more information

Tony
by ton321
Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Struggling with Conversion
Replies: 9
Views: 883

Re: Struggling with Conversion

Hi Perry I like the sentiment of the piece, and sorry it took 30 years to finish. The last line of the piece is the strongest In this old broken chair losing stuffing to the floor, that kind of sums up, and is more evocative, than the lines that went before-the old adage show not tell. Sometimes if ...
by ton321
Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1493

Ferret

Revision 1 I can still feel four clawed feet on my shoulder, the snout stuck straight out, with a tail stiff as a brush behind. Balancing. Once out of its cage and in the kitchen, it did the War Dance, jumped up and down -yip yip yip mouth opening and closing moving its head from side to side, the d...
by ton321
Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Triffids
Replies: 7
Views: 921

Re: Triffids

Hi C

I join with the others in that i like it, esp the lines

vaping around like
a demented horse
lost in an icy
wood



Tony
by ton321
Sat Apr 13, 2019 11:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fata Morgana
Replies: 5
Views: 638

Re: Fata Morgana

Hi Lotus

another layer of elusivity added with the photo aspect which i like, but am i liking the novelty factor to the detriment of meaningful participation in the piece?
The dots are too far apart in this one for me to join :D
Tony
by ton321
Fri Apr 12, 2019 11:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cushions (revised)
Replies: 16
Views: 1213

Re: Tribbles

Hi JJ I like it. It reminds me of an old Ben Elton sketch where he talks about Stuff accumulating in the house until he can't move, or in this case, cushions. It might seem a bit harsh, but I think you could cut out everything except stanzas 1 and 4, the rest is a bit too telly(as in telling), not s...
by ton321
Fri Apr 12, 2019 11:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nature of Art
Replies: 9
Views: 861

Re: The Nature of Art

f I had created
the bird of paradise’s bloom,
people would have called it garish.
Why can’t I be more like nature?

I like it, but as JJ said, the last line is a bit abstract, nice idea though

Tony
by ton321
Wed Apr 03, 2019 10:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Death in the Time of Brexit - renegotiated
Replies: 14
Views: 1764

Re: Death in the Time of Brexit - renegotiated

Hi Ray, great read, with your trademark black humor running through the piece. I don't know if its just me, but in the first verse you have lines 1,2 and the last line half rhyming, which sets up an expectation that isn't met (rhyme-wise) in the rest of the piece, and in fact there are rhymes and ha...
by ton321
Wed Apr 03, 2019 10:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Shriek
Replies: 11
Views: 1120

Re: Shriek

Hi Perry, I like it, because it feels true-there's no messing about. It's a rant poem, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. I like the last line because it introduces a different kind of pathos -regret rather than anger, and that last line line seems so much more poignant because of all the b...
by ton321
Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Looks
Replies: 4
Views: 576

Re: Looks

Thanks Perry for stopping by, I'd agree that that the tone changes through the piece, which needs to be rectified. It was never meant to be too serious though, and I'm glad you picked up on that. And yes, it's Gods accountant! :D Honour, glad you liked some of it! I think keeping it in either light ...
by ton321
Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:56 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Looks
Replies: 4
Views: 576

Looks

It's true, my brother was taller and better looking than me. Women ogled him on the street, while I followed in his wake. I’m five foot something , he was six foot three. I lived in his shadow. He was the real Mccoy, and i the fake. I went to flea markets for my clothes, wore dead mens shoes. He had...
by ton321
Mon Mar 18, 2019 11:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mourning Coffee
Replies: 9
Views: 1107

Re: Mourning Coffee

Hi lotus Your pieces are like paintings by Seurat where you have to hold the piece back to get the bigger picture. I like the ambiguity of having two different texts play against each other. You could run the risk, though of being different for its own sake, or just plain repeating yourself in this ...
by ton321
Mon Mar 18, 2019 11:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Milia (revision)
Replies: 11
Views: 1164

Re: Milia

Hi Luke,
not really read many poems about milia recently, but i enjoyed it. Not sure what line 11 is about though,
Tony
by ton321
Sun Feb 24, 2019 11:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Streetlight Sermons
Replies: 25
Views: 3074

Re: Streetlight Sermons

Hi Lotus,

I look forward to reading your work, ever enigmatic, and dreamlike, where the past, present and future seem to exist in one snapshot. There's a sense of unforced mystery that draws you in, that i like, as well,

Tony
by ton321
Sun Feb 24, 2019 1:24 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Manifesto
Replies: 13
Views: 1351

Re: Manifesto

i admire the ambition of this piece, but it creates a kind of fake poetry, full of pretentious posturing, almost as if you are creating a spoof poem. If you want me to go into details, then please let me know,
Tony
by ton321
Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetual Motion
Replies: 14
Views: 2088

Re: Perpetual Motion

Hi Jules,

I liked this- a touching family snapshot, the dynamic of opposites. But cheese and chalk, hammer and tong, are really cliches. Maybe you could unpack these lines into something more original,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Feb 16, 2019 1:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Identifying remains
Replies: 14
Views: 2102

Re: Identifying remains

Hi LC, Thanks for your sensitive and thoughtful comments about the piece. The person in question is/was a family member, and the title is meant to be ambiguous with the double play of meaning of literally identifying remains, but more importantly the remains of memory ie identifying the remains of w...
by ton321
Thu Feb 14, 2019 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Giant Oarfish (V-3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2547

Re: The Giant Oarfish

Called king of herrings, your form is thin as ribbon, but long; long body, long bones. Your dorsal fin is a crest of imperial red; tassels pluming the ends like a feathered war bonnet......great description It’s pruned down your spine into modest workhorse rays. Somehow, the flitting of diaphanous f...
by ton321
Mon Feb 11, 2019 2:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Gable end
Replies: 13
Views: 1335

Re: Gable end

I Hi David, Like everyone else, I liked the first half of the piece. Maybe you are trying to be too clever by introducing a different narrator/point of view in the second half. I think you know you have something here, so why spoil it with a different point of view/language shift/narrator/ in the se...
by ton321
Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Still Life (was Boots)
Replies: 25
Views: 2636

Re: Still Life (was Boots)

Hi Luke

The lines that stand out by far are

They’ve become the votive-you
each morning and evening
I step over, over;

and if it was me i would start the poem from there, and let the piece take its course, as Frost said, like a melting ice cube. Good read,
Tony