Search found 522 matches

by cynwulf
Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Lagoon
Replies: 13
Views: 1155

Re: Lagoon

Jackie, your clarification of the setting makes the poem more poignant to me, I misinterpreted uniforms to indicate that this was a prison detail doing hard labour-the flogging seemed to go with that- a very effective refrain even more so now we know. Good to see you back.
regards, c.
by cynwulf
Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Unwrapping the Chocolate (Journal: April 1st, 2016)Final rev
Replies: 7
Views: 710

Re: Unwrapping the Chocolate (Journal extract: April 1st, 20

Brilliant marriage of ideas and use of our flexible tongue. As an alliterophile enjoyed extensively, peerless use of paronomasia, and the portmanteau ( is that the right term?) ocenarnia -priceless.
regards,c.
by cynwulf
Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Arum maculatum (Ecdysiasts Revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 777

Re: Arum maculatum (Ecdysiasts Revision)

Thank you both. David, I agree -a pity to lose the 7th veil effect, but the line was rather clumsy. Nice that you noted bawds in beads, the whole thing began with that , came into my head as I was strolling the lanes here last autumn and the blatant show on the banks just triggered the phrase in the...
by cynwulf
Wed Apr 06, 2016 1:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Arum maculatum (Ecdysiasts Revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 777

Re: Ecdysiasts

Thanks for the comments. Always interesting to see how interpretations differ- the reader makes the poem as much as its author, Halfwrittenpoem your response took the poem further into the urban jungle than was my intention- real strippers were obviously the subconscious base for the piece's metapho...
by cynwulf
Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Arum maculatum (Ecdysiasts Revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 777

Arum maculatum (Ecdysiasts Revision)

Arum maculatum Congregations of nuns convene, vestal near the April hedgerow: a decorous sisterhood in their chartreuse cowls. Along the lane in October the sisters have shed their hoods: a decorated troupe, gaudy now in rubies, flaunting naked, bawds in beads, brazen ladies lording it, by their fru...
by cynwulf
Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Dry-Swim Coach
Replies: 6
Views: 634

Re: The Dry-Swim Coach

I didn't grasp the real situation till your clarification in the last verse. Not sure why you find it awkward, it seems a perfect coda to me- doing the butterfly just for show, great stuff.
regards,c.
by cynwulf
Mon Apr 04, 2016 1:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Space Between
Replies: 6
Views: 762

Re: The Space Between

Enjoyed reading this, liked the lightness of its structure and the handling of the rhymes contrasting with the apparentlly meaningless human condition and consciosness of an end.
regards, c.
by cynwulf
Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Chasing Jim Morrison's shadow
Replies: 11
Views: 1363

Re: Chasing Jim Morrison's shadow

Yes I also found much to like here, and it is too long, though it held my interest to the end. I'm not competent to give technical advice, but Luce has done that job fully anyway. You've got obvious talent which can be refined.
regards c.
by cynwulf
Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva
Replies: 5
Views: 5334

Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Thank you, Gentlemen, for your kind words, very encouraging. Yes, Seth, 'flows' is better than 'floods', feeds reeds had too much assonance for me- though 'feeds' is in a more appropriate register than 'nourish' . I think you're right about this image, all part of the extended metaphor. 'Flat' is a ...
by cynwulf
Thu Mar 17, 2016 10:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Doctored Pepper
Replies: 6
Views: 783

Re: Doctored Pepper

seems to need the lateral thinking power of an azed crossword puzzler to solve, and I struggle with the Grauniad's quickie, so nearest I cd get was it's about a sparrow (20 oz in a dose of Dr P, sparrow av wt 1oz so one of twenty?). Probably not -No doubt I'm up wrong tree as usual.
Regards,c.
by cynwulf
Thu Mar 17, 2016 10:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Homing
Replies: 11
Views: 1313

Re: Homing

I appreciate the order of your piece, the last line precis of the preceding three I found emphasised the melancholy life of a W's child.
regards, c.
by cynwulf
Thu Mar 17, 2016 10:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva
Replies: 5
Views: 5334

Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Thanks, Ros. So do I, keeps her rhyme scheme better than 2, and some (only a bit) of her sound play, all the real art is mostly gone in both tho. The uns are there by T's design ('ne'.. in the Russian), as also the adverb overload. Tried irre... alternatives, but they gave too academic a feel, but c...
by cynwulf
Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not an Ordinary F***ing Rainbow
Replies: 12
Views: 1147

Re: Not an Ordinary F***ing Rainbow

Not certain about Anthony Burgess as the origin, it's one of those unattributable things stuck in your memory- and in the event often proved wrong.
best wishes,c.
by cynwulf
Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Holy Innocents' Day 2015 Revised
Replies: 8
Views: 901

Re: Holy Innocents' Day 2015 Revised

Thank you David, I think your suggestion is a good one, will use in final version.
regards,c.
by cynwulf
Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva
Replies: 5
Views: 5334

I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Вскрыла жилы: неостановимо, невосстановимо хлещет жизнъ. Подставляйте миски и тарелки! Всякая тарелка будет- мелкой, миска- плоской. Через край- и мимо в землю черную, питатъ тростник. Невозвратно, неостановимо, невосстановимо хлещет стих. Literally I have opened veins: unstoppably, unrecoverably fl...
by cynwulf
Mon Mar 07, 2016 3:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not an Ordinary F***ing Rainbow
Replies: 12
Views: 1147

Re: Not an Ordinary F***ing Rainbow

Excellent indeed, the last verse I found particularly expressive. Tend to agree with mac on the scarf though. An expressive word as you say, I think it was Anthony Burgess who heard a fellow national serviceman utter " the f....ing f...er's f...ed" as he idly kicked the tyres of a defunct army waggo...
by cynwulf
Mon Mar 07, 2016 3:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Back Foot Defensive
Replies: 14
Views: 1158

Re: Back Foot Defensive

really enjoyed the dissonance/connexion between the cricket and the therapy-the courses and overs eg ;the double entendre Freudianism of the long walk back from the crease, edged between the slips... The last two lines, brilliant commentary.
regards, c.
by cynwulf
Mon Mar 07, 2016 3:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Holy Innocents' Day 2015 Revised
Replies: 8
Views: 901

Re: Holy Innocents' Day 2015 Revised

Some interesting and helpful comments here for which I am grateful, I have amended my lines variously in response. k-j- I bow to your concern, the lines 'mist-life' have been expunged. Reading with your comment in mind this section does look like an interpolation, strangely so, as the sight of the b...
by cynwulf
Mon Mar 07, 2016 12:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: winter breathed over me edit
Replies: 20
Views: 2295

Re: winter breathed over me

liked the scene/situation you portray. First verse fizzed nicely, only crit -found the line break after 'white' rather harsh. Enjoyed word choice in 2nd verse-grass crouching sound referred me back to couch grass, spring used in this way ni...iiice.
regards,c.
by cynwulf
Mon Mar 07, 2016 11:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cerebral Static
Replies: 19
Views: 2211

Re: Cerebral Static

Thank you both for your appreciation. That sounds terrible Katherine-coincidentally, our tumble dryer is banging out its racket as I write, must be difficult to live with that if you have it all the time, mine seems benign in comparison.
best, c.
by cynwulf
Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Holy Innocents' Day 2015 Revised
Replies: 8
Views: 901

Holy Innocents' Day 2015 Revised

Holy Innocents' Day 2015--Revision We were married on this sombre festival more than half a century ago, a golden day, unclouded, temperate as though April had been transposed into the chill, funereal days of the dying year. Today the air is cold and sodden, rolling folds of diverse grey occlude the...
by cynwulf
Mon Feb 29, 2016 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Walking Vicariously on Exmoor (was Vicarious)
Replies: 14
Views: 1457

Re: Walking Vicariously on Exmoor (was Vicarious)

The revision is beautifully expressed, I like the laid back sort of conversational feel, unless you particularly want to make more reference to the context for some personal reasons, I don't see anything needs adding for the public reader.
regards, c.
by cynwulf
Mon Feb 29, 2016 3:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: untitled
Replies: 11
Views: 1265

Re: untitled

A moving reminiscence, well achieved especially by its terseness which adds real intensity of the poem. Particularly liked the last 3 lines tho' agree it doesn't need 'put the eye to..'
regards, c.
by cynwulf
Mon Feb 29, 2016 3:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: bonds
Replies: 6
Views: 649

Re: bonds

enjoyed this, tho' can't claim to understand it.The extended alliteration is remakable, I likedit, but most English speakers now seem to find it grates ;some striking images- the evocation of scavenging ('bleached bodies.. )was well put, 'breathless blinders' not so good, found the penultimate stanz...
by cynwulf
Thu Feb 18, 2016 3:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: cities of glass and sand
Replies: 4
Views: 776

Re: cities of glass and sand

quite like the images generally, poem nicely mysterious to me; one or two niggles-go with ray on the wings line and heavy wings wdn't seem to help the flying-is that actually what you intended? I felt the scene a little confused towards the end-if the moon and stars shed light where does the earth's...