Search found 1913 matches

by Firebird
Sun Apr 05, 2020 4:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation (v4)

How thin are the walls of our cells. That's better rhythmically and you don't need a question mark. Tell me how that doesn’t need a question mark? IMO, it needs one. Ray may feel the rhythm is better, but I don’t think it is right for this type of poem. I know this will sound strange, but sounding ...
by Firebird
Sun Apr 05, 2020 1:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation (v3)

does changing the second statement to a question have an effect? Making it a question changes the mood quite a bit, in my opinion. It implies some kind of protest or action is coming. Yes, it does change the tone/mood a little, and I think it does imply a type of protest, but in an affected, overus...
by Firebird
Sun Apr 05, 2020 1:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Reputation
Replies: 10
Views: 658

Re: Reputation

I can see you are in a humours mood Ray. I like the ending, though the set up seemed a little long for a poem that depends mostly on its final line. I think a lot of the poem could probably be cut or expressed more concisely. Something like: Mrs Shelly was happy to see a friendly face and thankful a...
by Firebird
Sun Apr 05, 2020 11:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation (v2)

Hi Not,

I’m not keep on the question form of stanza two. It sounds a bit awkward to my hear and adds little IMO. The image was more striking before and less affected. Only my opinion.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation (v2)

Hi Not,

I might make it into two couplet stanzas. I think a pause between the first two lines and the second two lines would be good. The poem needs thinking time and slightly slowing down.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Sat Apr 04, 2020 6:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation (v2)

Hi Not,

I think it should be singular Neighbour’s, just for clarity.

Still liking it.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Sat Apr 04, 2020 2:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation (v2)

Yes, for me v2 is much improved. And yes, I’d missed the ‘cells‘ implication which I like very much.

It’s a good one. It travels a long way and offers many directions to go in terms of meaning.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Sat Apr 04, 2020 2:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: In Isolation (v6?)
Replies: 24
Views: 1309

Re: In Isolation

I like it, a lot. I would shorten it to: I can hear the neighbours' breathing. How thin the walls are of my cell. But you know Not, that just me. Anyway, I really like it. Cheers, Tristan PS. If it were mine, I’d just call it ‘Isolation’. The more I think about this poem the better it gets. Love it.
by Firebird
Fri Apr 03, 2020 2:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Other Luke's Gospel (v2b)
Replies: 20
Views: 1315

Re: The Other Luke's Gospel (v2b)

Hi Not, I can see this poem garnered a great deal of praise a couple years back. I missed it then, I think. Again, it’s not really my type of poem, but I can definitely appreciate the skill that has gone into writing it. My only suggestion for improving it, would be not to end so many lines in artic...
by Firebird
Thu Apr 02, 2020 9:04 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Congrats David
Replies: 2
Views: 981

Congrats David

Many congrats to David for his two poem published in Snakeskin’s April edition. I particularly like ‘Death Be Not Proud Applied’.

http://www.snakeskinpoetry.co.uk/

Excellent work.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Sat Mar 28, 2020 8:46 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Ink Sweat and Tears (1)
Replies: 4
Views: 808

Re: Ink Sweat and Tears (1)

Hi Mac,

I much enjoyed this poem

Many congrats.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Sat Mar 28, 2020 6:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Brief Word for Rooms
Replies: 13
Views: 760

Re: A Brief Word for Rooms

Hi Trev, This isn’t doing a great deal for me, I’m afraid (maybe I’ve missed something that’s going on under the surface). Sorry to be so candid. My favourite section is the bathroom, but I think it depends too much on the identity of the mirror. The sitting room seems too much like a 1950s style ma...
by Firebird
Thu Mar 26, 2020 6:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Mrs Shakespeare Plots (revision3)
Replies: 29
Views: 2593

Re: Mrs Shakespeare Schemes After Reading Will's Dark Lady Sonnets

Hi Mac, I’m probably not the right person to comment on this, as I’ve not read much Shakespeare for about 20 years. However, I liked the mystery of your first draft that I think has disappeared now. It didn’t have the final couplet. I think I still prefer the original below with the different stanza...
by Firebird
Wed Mar 25, 2020 4:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Self-Isolation - revised
Replies: 11
Views: 1186

Re: Self-Isolation - revised

Hi Ray, I love the last two lines and the double meaning of ‘part’. Yep, it’s a good one. The only thing I’d change is ‘awoke’ in the first line to ‘woke’. It’s a little more in tone (I.e. down to earth) with the rest of the poem.

Enjoyed the read.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Air-born
Replies: 12
Views: 1076

Re: Air-born

Hi Trev, Firstly, welcome to the forum. Good to have you around. Your poem is about a fledgling trying to fly for the first time. I like much of the description of what it must feel like. When I read the title I thought it was going to be a poem about corona (an air-born virus) but I was wrong, I th...
by Firebird
Wed Mar 18, 2020 7:44 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Not in Ink Sweat & Tears
Replies: 2
Views: 1015

Not in Ink Sweat & Tears

I’d like to congratulate Not. His poem is up at ‘Ink Sweat & Tears’. It went up yesterday on the 17th.

http://www.inksweatandtears.co.uk/

Many congrats Not. It’s a cracker!

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Mon Mar 16, 2020 8:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Billions of stars (v3)
Replies: 16
Views: 1314

Re: Billions of stars (v3)

I found the poem more interesting in the original, perhaps because I've an interest in distraction , but also the nefarious nature of the darkness was more evident. As always, a matter of taste. The revisions offer a more personal, less metaphysical, expression. I’d come to that conclusion Mac, but...
by Firebird
Wed Mar 11, 2020 4:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Monday Tomorrow (v2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1311

Re: Monday Tomorrow

Hi Not,

I’d assumed it was an accident, but actually the first line clearly hints that it’s not. So yes, that does give the poem a new complexion. I’ll have closer read and see what layered meaning I can detect in the imagery.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Wed Mar 11, 2020 2:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Monday Tomorrow (v2)
Replies: 14
Views: 1311

Re: Monday Tomorrow

Hi Not, I’m not should whether I should be taking this as a straightforward tale of an unfortunate accident that the NHS fail to deal with in a timely fashion and the distress this caused, or there is more to this story, which I suspect there is. My main issue with this poem is that I’m having probl...
by Firebird
Wed Mar 11, 2020 12:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Billions of stars (v3)
Replies: 16
Views: 1314

Re: Billions of stars (v3)

Hi Ray, Perry, David and Not, Many thanks for the comments. I think I’ll have to leave this one for a while, as David has got me thinking about that Wild quote and now, like him, I too can’t get it out of my mind when I read l3 of V4. It’s a bit of a problem. A type of mind worm. Not, your version d...
by Firebird
Tue Mar 10, 2020 9:07 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Letter in The Guardian on Poetry
Replies: 5
Views: 1056

Re: Letter in The Guardian on Poetry

Sorry Perry, I meant the third sentence and those were the commas I meant. I put them in bold to point out the mistake here.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Tue Mar 10, 2020 8:08 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Letter in The Guardian on Poetry
Replies: 5
Views: 1056

Re: Letter in The Guardian on Poetry

Hi Perry, Technically speaking, there isn't a comma mistake. But I’d rather both the commas in bold weren’t there. The Guardian put them in. I would argue that some of the spoken-word poets Paterson has championed in his role as poetry editor at Picador don’t do much of this. In fact, they do quite ...
by Firebird
Mon Mar 09, 2020 8:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Billions of stars (v3)
Replies: 16
Views: 1314

Re: A foreground of a billion stars (Was: Billions of tiny stars)

Looking at the stars, we do not see the darkness. I think that captures your essential point, while still remaining fairly open. I may, as so often, be wrong, but that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it. I think you may be right. I’ll see what other options I come up with when the idea is stated d...
by Firebird
Mon Mar 09, 2020 7:15 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Letter in The Guardian on Poetry
Replies: 5
Views: 1056

Letter in The Guardian on Poetry

Just had a letter published in The Guardian responding to Don Paterson’s seeming double standards. The comma mistake in the second sentence is not mine.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/mar/09/bard-idea-the-rise-of-workplace-poetry

Hope you enjoy it.

Cheers,

Tristan
by Firebird
Mon Mar 09, 2020 1:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Billions of stars (v3)
Replies: 16
Views: 1314

Re: A foreground of a billion stars (Was: Billions of tiny stars)

Hi Perry, Thanks for your interest. Yes, I knew about the Hubble telescope and how it was trained on complete darkness, but it wasn’t really the inspiration for this poem, although I can see how you thought it could have been. Yes, I’m familiar with that Auden poem, and yes it’s a beaut but it’s not...