Search found 142 matches

by ljordan
Sun Sep 23, 2012 9:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Le temps
Replies: 5
Views: 409

Re: Le temps

Time and the weather:
one word for both,
as though the weather's news weary
times were another matter.


Sorry David, I could not help myself.
by ljordan
Wed Sep 19, 2012 12:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pareidolia
Replies: 11
Views: 654

Re: Pareidolia

I'm not often bowled over, but this is mighty and works like a watch with more than seventeen jewels. The assonance rhyming setting up expectations that are yanked away at the end perform the title's work. The flow of the meter is perfect for the allusion of the coast and rocks. Can't say enough abo...
by ljordan
Fri Sep 14, 2012 1:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let's Go Round Again
Replies: 6
Views: 463

Re: Let's Go Round Again

THe inferencing here is wonderful. It keeps the reader engaged with imagery that we bring to the poem. Agree that it provokes intimacy and obviously sexual images, but more because of its brevity. Not sure that the second line carries its weight. I think you need the word 'see', perhaps the problem ...
by ljordan
Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fathoms
Replies: 6
Views: 703

Re: Fathoms

I really appreciate the comments. This one's been around a while and niggles its various ways to be read. The working title was "Lake Mirror" but I scraped it because I thought it anchored the reading to much. I think I was too focused on what the narrator sees...However, the drinking read works and...
by ljordan
Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fathoms
Replies: 6
Views: 703

Fathoms

I stepped nearly into the glass,
stopping short of drool,
braced for the twitch
I feel on my lip.

Staring in, I adjust
my tie and rub
the red around my eye.
A button struggles.

I look away, recall
the lake’s silvery color
like chrome, rippling
over the hulk beneath.
by ljordan
Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vogue
Replies: 7
Views: 505

Re: Vogue

I like the narrative and quirkiness. Not sure the form works, line breaks don't seem to enhance anything for inference?

larry
by ljordan
Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Conceit in 13 lines
Replies: 12
Views: 892

Re: Conceit in 13 lines

David, I don't think the title contributes much. It sort of marginalizes the poem into some arcane mantra. I've difficulty buying into the "we" as dare-devil explorers, they sound kind of wimpy compared to the "real stuff" guys. Not sure I would have taken the time to 'get it' were it not for the th...
by ljordan
Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 18 Owls in One Night
Replies: 28
Views: 1676

Re: 18 Owls in One Night

It may be worth saying and in some respects the chasm is inferred here. For me anything with owls and frogs is going to help to illustrate that. I think it's the phrase being too much akin to the Thomas Paine title 'Rights of Man'. Sometimes our language is weighted down by over use, we can't see th...
by ljordan
Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 18 Owls in One Night
Replies: 28
Views: 1676

Re: 18 Owls in One Night

Seth, I can't get past the line: 'rights of man' It rings so loud from titles so politically thick that it's like an anchor thrown in the stream, bringing me to dead stop. Perhaps that's the intent, but I can't reconcile owls and frogs to any political context...
by ljordan
Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Irish-Americans
Replies: 4
Views: 435

Re: Irish-Americans

I am amazed how the rebel Irish set the tone, dazed by the way everyone else gets shot down or clubbed or imprisoned, in India, South Africa, Syria, you fuckin name it, and I know we are the the guys to blame for telling people to get off their knees and stand up. Not sure I get this. Sounds preach...
by ljordan
Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fort Apache
Replies: 8
Views: 597

Re: Fort Apache

David, you've done your homework. I think the poem moves past merely being descriptive of the film in some ekphrastic way and gives a bit of the personal to the fictive characters worn by their non-fictive performers. For me there is this sense that the movie and 'real' life shift about into each ot...
by ljordan
Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:13 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Surfaces (rev)
Replies: 11
Views: 1248

Re: Surfaces (rev)

Damn, he says all red in the face. I slipped into my South Carolinian drawl... The past participle 'forgotten' is unnecessary I'm using trombone for the motion of how it's played akin to the motion of focusing. Perhaps it's not working. Thanks David. Mac, I appreciate the perception and thoughts on ...
by ljordan
Tue Aug 21, 2012 2:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The night has passed
Replies: 11
Views: 927

Re: The night has passed

Mic, I am also a bit unsure of the stone on the windowsill. If we're to apprehend that the storm during the night wreaked havoc (tights in the apple tree) I'm not sure a stone could land on the sill without breaking the window?

larry
by ljordan
Tue Aug 21, 2012 2:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pilgrim's Journal
Replies: 23
Views: 1898

Re: Pilgrim's Journal

I too need to add my exclamation of a reader's delight. This I believe is what Stevens meant by "Supreme Fictions"

larry
by ljordan
Tue Aug 21, 2012 2:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: There are.....(tweak+stanza)
Replies: 16
Views: 1090

Re: There are.....(tweak+stanza)

The first line offered something that never materialized for me. A clock effected by the cold seems a wonderful runway and like Mic, I'm not sure the cultural references do it justice. As you've noted, clocks are interesting things...I'm probably missing something.

larry
by ljordan
Tue Aug 21, 2012 1:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Surfaces (rev)
Replies: 11
Views: 1248

Re: Surfaces (rev)

Mac, Ray and Peter, thanks again for the notes. I'd obviously missed my mark resulting in something with obfuscations I'd not intended, as well as an unwanted subject (insomnia). Still shifting and Peter, I'll probably save that line for another time. Thanks again.
by ljordan
Mon Aug 20, 2012 6:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Insomnia
Replies: 16
Views: 1716

Re: Insomnia

I can't reconcile the title. Insomnia implies a wish to sleep; the images and circumstances portrayed would not be something I'd want to end?

larry
by ljordan
Mon Aug 20, 2012 5:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Surfaces (rev)
Replies: 11
Views: 1248

Re: Surfaces

Thanks for the notes. In another draft, the pronoun 'he' is replaced with it which might help the reader dally with the inferences and allusions poking around the vagaries of introspection. Ray, I think you're right about 'hesitant' It's more like reluctant. Title may need more signs...never got out...
by ljordan
Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Surfaces (rev)
Replies: 11
Views: 1248

Surfaces (rev)

Somewhere Between Blinks Stepping in, closing the latch, he presses his palm against the glass. Outside, limbs shake, a fish writhes in the clutches of a hawk. Inching away from window-shapes of light, he rubs his eyes until they squeak, tromboning his focus of pepper flakes with bread crumbs and h...
by ljordan
Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Confessor
Replies: 6
Views: 425

Re: Confessor

Ray, My read differs from the topical. The tension set up between 'you' and 'he' in the context of the narrative thread alludes to schizophrenia, or more accurately a confrontation with an 'other' self. After reading the other comments, I see the references, but to me they're less interesting, preac...
by ljordan
Sat Aug 18, 2012 2:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: We are like two brothers who plant (revised)
Replies: 5
Views: 474

Re: We are like two brothers who plant

For me the poem is the first three sections, ending with 'hinges intact'. A strong piece. The stuff after seems mired in memories of detail that illustrate nothing new to the stage already set by the title and opening. One nit in the weighty allusion of 'not knowing need from greed'. Is this really ...
by ljordan
Wed Aug 15, 2012 12:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lycanthropy (revised)
Replies: 15
Views: 1139

Re: Lycanthropy

Really strong piece. I felt it long after reading. The content lives as a result of the poem and not simply a consequence of events. The events are as common as descriptions. It's the conceit that propels the emotion. I'd keep "flowering" because as Nash points out it jars the thought from the expec...
by ljordan
Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unconditional Regard
Replies: 13
Views: 777

Re: The Long Run

I like the images racing towards collision with coherence. I think it's controlled and feels that way as opposed to a random set. Is L3 missing 'to'? The unsettling grammar of the third from the last line might need attention?
by ljordan
Tue Jul 24, 2012 1:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Travelling market
Replies: 17
Views: 1008

Re: Travelling market

Totally agree about the two-thirds. Regarding fragrant, I have to admit to my own baggage brought to the reading. When I see the word caravan, I first envision camels and unfortunately, the adjective nudges me to something with odor and the linkage lands me in pile of camel shit. I get over it as th...
by ljordan
Tue Jul 24, 2012 1:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Honeysuckle
Replies: 25
Views: 1517

Re: Honeysuckle

mic. sorry for coming to this so late and frankly, not sure I could add anything of interest. The allusion works and for me 'passes' is a better choice as you've posted elsewhere. The guy is riding a bike, pedaling is a given and passes infers space and time. Every time I come back to this I muse at...